Mama Talk: Creativity (A Prelude)

Fingers trembling with joy, I sat down at the computer that September morning.  It wasn’t just the cups of coffee I’d been drinking; this exhilarating feeling was coming from somewhere deeper.  The baby was laying down for a long nap.  My daughter had just headed off for her first morning back at preschool.  And I had TIME.  And ENERGY.  And my HEALTH.  I was going to write!

I flipped on my “Fun. Radio” Pandora station and started to type.

I had missed this so much.  It seemed that just as soon as I hit my stride with blogging and editing a few years ago, I got pregnant.  I don’t do pregnant so well.  I was nauseous and I kept getting sick.  I was tired and distracted.  I kept forgetting things that I’d normally be on top of.  I finally gave up on blogging and writing.  It just wasn’t in me.  It was my year of fog. 

And then the baby was born and, well, you know how new babies are.  If you can manage to get enough sleep while caring for them, then basically you are rocking the world.  There’s no time or energy for creative pursuits. 

When the baby was about six months old, I was still in my slump and was beginning to think I was never going to accomplish anything beyond laundry, diaper changing, nursing and sometimes cooking dinner from scratch.  (I guess technically, caring and feeding for another human is creative, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.)  Thanks to my friends and my family, I got through a couple of bad months of depression. 

And then the golden intersection of preschool mornings and baby naps hit.  Suddenly this non-morning person was up and at ‘em, getting showered and dressed, and dreaming of what to do with the time that was suddenly available. 

I am coming to realize that I need creativity in my life.  I need it badly.  When I am creative, I begin to glow.  Seriously.  I get filled up with joy and it can’t help but spill out on my family.  Instead of being less than as a mom, I am more!  Sure, there are times when creativity is not possible, but I am finding that it’s important to accept that fact and then get back to creativity as soon as I can.  Because feeling alive and whole is contagious.  My family can’t help but catch it.

Sometimes the problem with creativity is that we feel pressured to be creative in the same way that other moms are creative.  We feel that we should all be like moms on Pinterest.  We feel that we should all be good at crafts.  Or whatever.  Maybe our creative corner of the world looks really different than other moms.  Maybe we never even saw it as creative.  But it’s what makes us ourselves.  Personally, I think being creative in a totally different way is what makes us moms interesting. 

In my small group right now, we are studying Genesis and lately I’ve been so struck by how all of us as human beings are made in God’s image.  I think that there are many elements to being made in God’s image, but one of the biggees is that God made each of us creative beings.  Now, we can’t create ex nihilo (out of nothing) like God can.  God took nothing and made something.  We can only take stuff that’s already here and make something new out of it.  But when we do that, we reflect our Creator.  I think that’s where the joy comes from. 

Maybe for some of us, it’s computer code.  Maybe for others it’s pursuing health and wholeness.  Maybe some sew or or knit or craft.  Others may love to create culinary masterpieces.  Some may love to write.  Some may paint or sketch.  Some may homeschool their kids.  Some may be engineers or architects.  There are so many ways to be creative and make something new out of what we’ve been given in this beautiful world.

In the coming weeks, I’m going to be interviewing several ladies who I admire for their creativity.  They are all moms and they are all creative in all kinds of unique, awesome ways.  We’re going to call it “MamaTalk: Creativity.”  I hope you’ll read and comment and put in your own two cents.  I hope you’ll share and help us the myriad of ways we moms are able to reflect our Creator.  And I hope that if you are having a hard time finding your joy or the reason why you should even make the time for it, you will feel freshly inspired and encouraged.  I hope you will find the time to carve out for being creative—for your family, for God, for you.

Hang on.  It’s going to be a creatively awesome ride!

advent and the ninth month of pregnancy

Yes, it has been forever since I posted.  This is deeply frustrating because I love writing regularly and I hate to lose readership when I am slow to post.

But such is reality.  My body has taken this pregnancy much harder than the previous one and I'm finding it hard to keep myself and my family organized and cared for, let alone write my blog.  I look forward to when I am feeling better and can write more often.

God has a way of using even the "tough stuff," however, to help us grow closer to Him.  I have had to spend many hours laying on my side, not because of bed rest requirements or anything so dire, but just because for some reason I've been dealing with a lot more pain (leg pain, belly pain, knee pain, hip pain) and exhaustion this time around.  Additionally, in the third trimester, some personally trying and stressful situations have come up for our family.  In the beginning, I felt sorry for myself and spent time asking, "God, why did You choose this timing?  I can't handle this right now!"  But God has been working in my heart and during those times when all I can do is lay on my side with my good ol' pregnancy pillow, there is lots of time to pray (lest you think I'm more spiritual than I am, in those times when I can mentally focus a bit, I watch a lot of TV too!).  But prayer?  I've had more time for it than I've had in years.  In that prayer time, God is giving me peace in the midst of lots of challenges.  That doesn't mean I don't have days when I have a raze-the-earth, grouch-fest attitude, though.  Just the other day, I had one of those.  I had to apologize to my husband for that one!

Now there is only one month to go...or maybe less?  I'm hoping!  I'm getting ready and preparing.  I'm feeling an urgency to get Bean's room ready, to get all that laundry washed, to make sure my list for the hospital is prepared...  And this comes, just as the church season of Advent is about to start.  Yes, I am going through my ninth month of pregnancy in Advent.  Just as I need to be prepared for Jesus' second coming, so I need to be prepared for Bean's coming.  Just as Mary needed to be prepared for Jesus' first coming.  (By the way, I totally empathize with her concerning that long donkey--or walking?--trip to Bethlehem.  I bet she had some questions for God too about timing!  A census...now?!)  For some reason, it is easier for me to understand Jesus' second coming through the lens of Bean's due date.  This due date is tangible, marked on the calendar, but on the other hand, Bean may come any day.  I feel my son pushing and nudging urgently inside me.  The other night, it looked like he was knocking on my stomach!  He is preparing and I am preparing.  The time is drawing near.  Will I be prepared?  Will I be ready when he comes?

What about with Jesus?  Will I be ready when He comes?  Will I be faithful in prayer and Scripture reading?  Will I be forgiving those who have hurt me?  Will I be loving my loved ones even in their imperfections (after all, they love me in mine!)?  Will I be focusing on the needs of others, to the best of my ability, and not just my own?

I hope that I am fully ready when Bean comes.  I hope that I am ready when Jesus comes again.

And yet, the coming of Bean also reminds me how much the Christian life is resting in God.  I mean, as much as I'd like my limitations to be removed, I have very limited time periods when I can do things like make a meal for a needy family or watch a friend's child.  I am even limited in my ability to do things for my husband and daughter right now.  My energy is low, my strength is limited.  But I am driven back to my bed and my pregnancy pillow.  I lay on my side and pray and rest in God.  That's what I can do right now.  This won't last forever, this stage of life.  But I hope I remember the lesson of it.  The lesson that in the Christian life, we need to focus on abiding in God, resting in Him and trusting in Him more than on doing and accomplishing.  The former is all about God; the latter can often turn out to be all about us.  God wants us to do things to help others, but never to lose our center in Him.  Being ready for Jesus' coming does not mean frenetic chasing around to try to please God with our works all over again.  It means resting in God and His salvation and letting our energy flow from His acceptance and love.

Happy Advent!

adventures in pregnancy: mr. bean

Pregnancy has not been good for blogging.  I thought it might be.  I mean, I could whine and moan about the discomforts of pregnancy for NINE WHOLE MONTHS, right?  Ample material!  But...I also started to think of how SICK of my whining my friends and readers would get...and how sad my friends who struggle with conceiving might feel...and how STINKIN' TIRED I would be--so tired that even spending time whining and moaning seemed as though it might take too much energy.  I remember after my first trimester how I knew I was beginning to feel a bit better because the idea of watching a TV show downstairs on the couch was not so overwhelmingly exhausting (I'd been crashing in bed many hours a day).  LAYING ON THE COUCH was exhausting!  I mean, seriously!  Who can blog?

Not to mention that my blog definitely takes a food slant and just try writing about food when you can't stomach food.  Just, ew.  Gross.

I have barely cooked for my family in months.  Yep, that's right.  Me.  Flathead Mama.  Foodie.  More often than not, I find myself getting take-out or making a big salad for dinner.  Or a sandwich.  Mmmmmm....  Garlic has become persona non grata, which eliminates basically all of my recipes except dessert (although if I had found a way to add garlic to dessert, that probably would be part of my repertoire too!).  The first trimester, I couldn't cook or even stand cooking smells in the house.  I was craving chili one day and I made my husband cook it on the barbecue grill.  A few friends brought me casseroles.  BLESS THEM.  Because of them, my family could actually eat a few home-cooked meals!  And Sweet Peaks...Oh, God bless Sweet Peaks...their creamy, homemade ice cream was one of the few things that tasted really good.  Hence, my visits about three times a week.  No exaggeration.

And then...just as the afternoon sickness of nausea began to abate, I got a bad sinus infection that turned into a cough that made me throw up (which, strangely enough, I had never done from pregnancy nausea...in either pregnancy!).  And then I got food poisoning and had diarrhea for 4 days.  I was reminded of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."  Haha.  In a way, it was good.  I had gained a little weight before getting pregnant.  This equaled me out a little bit.  Look on the positive side, I guess.  I wouldn't recommend 4 days of diarrhea as the best diet ever though.  Don't try this at home.

I got so depleted, I started having what almost felt like contractions.  So I had to get checked out at labor and delivery.  There was enough instability that they ordered an ultrasound.  But ultimately, baby was found to be staying put.  I went home, rested, stayed in bed (some more) while my husband did basically everything (some more).  BLESS HIM.  Without him, I probably couldn't have gotten well.  But I did.

The last week or so has been good.  We have done more fun things in the last week than in practically the whole pregnancy combined.  (Arts Festival!  Swimming at the lake!  Farmer's Market!  Thursday Fest in Kalispell!  Movie with the hubby!)  I'm tired and sore these days (and suffering from more allergies than usual), but functional.  And we found out this week that our baby Bean is a boy, so we have taken to calling him Mr. Bean.  I'm feeling him move more and more and so grateful to have gotten this far.  So grateful for the husband, daughter, family, and friends who have helped me through the hormones and sickness and difficulties of the first trimester (and part of the second).  So grateful to God for sustaining me even through an all-too-frequent negative attitude.  So grateful for the good and replenishing activities I've been able to do this week.

I hope with some renewed health and energy, I will be able to post a little more often.  But however things work out, know that I plan to be with this blog long-term.  Because, well, writing is awesome.  And so are my readers.

Summer Vacation: Seattle, Portland and the Oregon Coast (Part II)

Beautiful sculpture in front of the headquarters of World Vision 

Before I get to the second half of our vacation in Oregon, I wanted to mention our visit to World Vision in Federal Way, Washington.  We thought visiting their headquarters and taking a tour would be a great learning experience for Burrito and it was!  We pray every night for the "people in trouble" in Africa and it was great for Burrito to see pictures and hands-on illustrations of what people in Africa and other impoverished areas of the world go through.  It was wonderful to see the ways World Vision is helping through working in entire villages to provide clean water, food, health care, schooling and micro loans for businesses.  I was also impressed with their efficiency and preparation.  For example, they stash emergency supplies in specific locations around the world so that they can get in when there is a natural disaster or other emergency and begin assistance immediately.  Their long-term relationships and ongoing work within each country also helps them to make sure supplies actually get to the people who need them.  Very impressive.

After our whirlwind trip to Seattle, we began the trek down to Portland.  We began to be interested in Portland a year or so ago when we started watching Portlandia on IFC.  The opening song and comedic segment of the show stated that "The dream of the '90s is alive in Portland" and reminded us that it is the city where "young people go to retire."  We thought this was hilarious (and let's face it, we've met people from other cities...cough, Minneapolis-St. Paul...who remind us greatly of the characters who people Portlandia).  We (cough, I) also enjoyed being poked fun at a bit.  One of the first sketches involve a couple who are so deeply interested in where their food comes from that they want to know the name of the chicken they are being served at a restaurant, as well as all of the aspects of its life, and finally decide to visit the farm where he was raised before ordering dinner.  This is foodie/locavore taken to the extreme.  I can take a little good-natured ribbing!

We were only in Portland two nights, but I can testify that the slogan you find on a building downtime ("Keep Portland Weird") is entirely warranted and will not be a difficult goal to achieve.  I saw all of the following downtown during our visit: Rastafarians, a "gang" of guys on segways decorated with roses in a parade, people trying to get Oregon voters to sign up for a bill to make pot legal, a street preacher, street musicians, a dad pushing a baby car seat in an umbrella stroller, a piano player who was playing the piano on a rigged-up bicycle, one and only one very dressed up trendy lady, artists molding your face into a garden gnome in 10 minutes, a guy dressed up as Spiderman (complete with full face mask) on a bike, and a very fine variety of street food.  Quite the collection of folks!

In the midst of the weirdness that is Portland, we managed to have a nice time, though. First off, we had to visit the famous Powell's City of Books (a bookstore that takes up an entire city block and is the largest new and used bookstore in the world!).  I was in bliss surrounded by that many books, but Burrito was quickly bored.  She did enjoy waiting with a little girl who had lost her Daddy though until the store manager could call her dad on the intercom.  Powell's even has a machine where you can self-publish your book!  I loved the quote on these stairs:

 Next, we visited the Saturday Market downtown, where local artists sell their work and world street food is available for lunch.  I opted for the yakisoba noodles from the Hawaiian food truck, while staring longingly at the Lebanese and African food trucks (garlic figured majorly in their offerings and I was still dealing with garlic aversion).  We also visited the Lan Su Chinese Gardens in the heart of Portland.  We learned that for Chinese culture, there is no division between garden and home, as perhaps there would be in the United States or Great Britain.  The home is a garden and together they create a cohesive whole, providing serenity throughout.  I loved the quotation in the program: "Most cherished in this mundane world is a place without traffic; truly in the midst of a city there can be mountain and forest."--Wen Zhengming

We also had the pleasure of taking time for tea at the Chinese tea house located in the middle of the garden.  It was a deeply peaceful location and Burrito loved having a "tea party."  I sampled the licorice tea, she tried orange-cranberry and Daddy tried jasmine tea. 

After an eventful day in Portland, we took our next day to spend on a relaxing trip to the Oregon Coast where Christopher had a Sunday morning 5k planned in Cannon Beach.  Early forecasts had been for rain, but we were so glad that it turned out to be a nice day.  As is the case in Oregon, the beach was a bit cold at first (and the water is always cold that far north), but it was blissful laying on the sand and smelling the salt air and hearing the crash of the waves.  This was Burrito's first big trip to the ocean too (she had been to the Atlantic Ocean once but not long enough to play and enjoy it).  She worked on sand castles, hunted for shells and ran, giggling, through the bracingly cold water on the shore.

Seaside, OR--the end of Lewis and Clark's journey.

I am always at my most peaceful at the ocean.

 After a visit to Cannon Beach (which has a quiet, family-friendly vibe), we headed over to Seaside (which is louder and busier) where we stayed at a very affordable mini-apartment for the night right on the beach (on the quieter side of town).  Nothing beats being able to see the ocean from your bedroom!  The next morning, we sadly said goodbye to the ocean and began to make our trek home.

All in all, it was a great family vacation, made even nicer by a shorter drive than our usual massively long trek back to the Midwest.  We had never visited Seattle or Portland before so it was wonderful to experience new places.

Summer Vacation: Seattle, Portland and the Oregon Coast (Part 1)

I just returned from our family vacation last week.  I had been keeping my expectations low for vacation.  Would I be able to sleep on the road?  (Thanks to insomnia, this is often a problem for me.)  Would I feel well enough to walk around and see the sights?  Would I be able to eat anything good (thanks to continuing nausea)?

I have to say that things went better than expected.  We went to bed early each night, woke up early and spent our mornings (when I had more energy) walking around and doing fun things.  When I began to crash in early afternoon, we returned to our hotel and Christopher took Burrito to the pool or somewhere else fun and I laid down and rested.  It worked pretty well!  I'm a bit disappointed that my nausea limitations kept me from enjoying as much of the ample foodie-friendly cuisine to be found on the coast as I would have liked, but I'm happy that I did manage to try a few highlights.  Now, I will simply have to return another time when I am feeling better!

In Seattle, we bought the City Pass and found it a great way to save money and simplify our site-seeing.  My favorite site was the Space Needle, which was a super classy way to see the views in Seattle.  They had one of the best gift shops among the city's attractions too.  I will have to return sometime to sip a glass of red wine from the top of Seattle.

We also managed to escape the rain for a day and get to the Woodland Park Zoo, which was fun for Burrito.  She also greatly enjoyed the Aquarium, which is super toddler-friendly.  In one section, kids can reach into touching pools and touch starfish and other underwater animals.  Christopher and Burrito, my science buffs, enjoyed the Science Museum quite a bit.  We took a Harbor Tour through Argosy Cruises as well.  The boat could have been a bit cleaner but our tour guide was well informed and entertaining and we enjoyed being out on the water.

My very favorite place in Seattle, though, was the Pike Place Market!  This, my friends, is foodie mecca!  If I lived in Seattle, I think I would do most of my grocery shopping there.  From fresh farm vegetables and fruit, freshly caught fish (I forgot how good fresh fish smell), handmade cheese (and you can even see it made at Beecher's Handmade Cheese), sausages and prepared meats, bakeries....This is the home of beautiful food!  We spent the morning of my birthday at Pike Place and it was wonderful.

We stopped at the beautiful Le Panier Bakery and sampled pain au chocolat along with gorgeous, colorful macaroons.  This may be hard to believe, but I had never had real French macaroons before.  Now I see what all the fuss is about!  We had orange and lemon macaroons.  Little pillows of joy!

We lunched at Pike Place Chowder; their clam chowder is the best I've ever had: buttery and flavorful!  We enjoyed the joy of the fish tossers and the live musicians and the general happiness among everyone working and shopping in the market.  And of course I had to visit the original Starbucks and grab a birthday mocha!  Pretty sure it tasted better from the original store!:-)

We also managed to stop by one of the most famous food trucks in Seattle and the United States: Maximus Minimus.  This pig-shaped food truck has been featured on a number of TV shows and is known for its pulled pork sandwiches, with either Maximus (spicy) or Minimus (sweet) barbecue sauce.  We also got some delicious mac and cheese that is prepared by Beecher's and available in the Market, topped off with some Maximus sauce.  It was all pretty crave-worthy. 

In my next post, I'll share why keeping Portland weird is not an unreachable goal and how the ocean is the best place to be, even if a toddler is nagging at you the whole time.

To be continued...

Book Review Friday: Creating with God by Sarah Jobe

As I have been struggling through the first trimester of this pregnancy (perhaps more than the previous pregnancy?), I was desperate for an uplifting, Biblical perspective on the sufferings I was undergoing.  Certainly, they are not as bad as the suffering of infertility (for my sufferings are short in time and have a good end ahead), chronic illness, or so many other forms of suffering.  But these truths do not negate the difficulties that one does indeed face, going through the nausea, the deep-down exhaustion, the struggle with caring for one's family in the midst of these challenges.  That I am not suffering in the worst possible way does not negate that I am suffering as a pregnant woman, suffering in order to bring life into the world.

The suffering of pregnancy and childbirth is so significant that the Apostle Paul wrote about it in Romans 8 as a metaphor for the Christian life this side of heaven: "²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies" (NIV).

I have been struggling greatly with my attitude as well.  I've been feeling sorry for myself and in sore need of perspective.  In the midst of this struggle, I found myself searching the Christian pregnancy books on Amazon.com.  The most intriguing title was Sarah Jobe's Creating with God: The Holy Confusing Blessedness of Pregnancy (Paraclete Press).

Jobe had my attention right away when, in the prologue, she described her best friend, Holly, who couldn't wait to get her maternity clothes out of storage for yet another pregnancy.  Holly loved pregnancy.  But Jobe lets us know, "I love Holly.  But I think you should know, right from the start, that I'm not that type of pregnant woman....I won't say that I hated pregnancy.  But I can't say that I loved it either.  Pregnancy was the most difficult endeavor I have ever undertaken."  Jobe says this in spite of two uncomplicated pregnancies.  It was simply the mundane miseries of being pregnant that were so difficult for her.  I read this and thought, "Here is someone I can relate to!"  Jobe has the added benefit of serving as a Baptist minister; I can also relate to her on the level of a woman in ministry (but her book would be beneficial for any Christian woman).

This book provided numerous insights from the Scriptures on how to deal with the indignities and sufferings of pregnancy.  Jobe writes, "This book is about naming.  But it's not about naming our babies.  It's more about naming ourselves.  In this book, I will muster up the courage of Eve, the courage that motherhood has given me, to make some bold and joyous proclamations.  I will name the work of pregnancy as the work of God.  I will name the pregnant women around me as the image of Christ.  I will call the pains of pregnancy 'spiritual disciplines.'"  So often the nausea, pain, tears, and exhaustion seem so pointless--especially before you can feel the baby move.  The pregnancy seems theoretical; though you know you are growing a child in your womb, you have nothing but negative symptoms to tell you this.  How good it is to know that it is not for nothing!  God is seeking to bring spiritual growth in our lives in this time, in addition to the physical growth of our babies.

One of the most important areas of spiritual growth is learning to rest in God.  Rather than frenetically doing and going, a pregnant woman must rest.  Jobe writes, "We can try to work even when our bodies cry for us to do otherwise.  Or we can rest like God does in Genesis.  We can learn a  Sabbath rest that God calls blessed and holy."  Viewed this way, even the exhaustion of pregnancy is an opportunity, not a burden.

One of my favorite insights from the book was Jobe's point that the way a mother feeds her baby, both while the child is in the womb and through breastfeeding is a powerful metaphor for how Christ feeds us spiritually through communion.  Just as Jesus said to us that His body is real food and His blood is real drink, so our bodies too become food and drink for our babies.  This provides a very human connection point to understand one of the most challenging doctrines of the church and to understand it experientially. 

There are many other powerful insights in this book.  I found it extremely helpful in weathering the physical challenges of pregnancy and finding meaning in them.  I also appreciated Jobe's conversational tone that was very accessible to any young mother.  If there is any caution I would offer, it would be to be aware that there are female metaphors for God in this book.  I did not, however, find them objectionable because each one was well supported from Scripture.  There are times when Jobe uses female pronouns for God, which is not my preference, but because she was dealing with female-oriented metaphors each time she did this, I was able to follow her.  She does not exclusively use female pronouns for God, which I found important.  I hope this aspect will not keep women away from this book, however.  There are so many insights Jobe provides that it is worth weathering a difference in terminology.  I also trust Jobe's writing because it is solidly based in Scripture.

4.5 stars. Highly Recommended.

thankfulness in pregnancy

My head is tired but my heart is full.  God has been so good to me and to our family. 

I admit that I find it hard to feel thankful when the tears are a-comin' and the nausea is a-buildin'.  I forget my blessings and languish.  I become convinced that I will feel this way forever.  I gaze in dismay at the mounds of laundry, the scattered toys, the dirty floors.  I forget.

But God's mercies do not stop.  He brings me a husband who takes every chance he can to watch our daughter so that I can rest and yield to the solitude for which my soul and body are crying out.

He gifts me with the precious prayers of friends, who hold up my hands like Aaron and Hur holding the weary hands of Moses above the melee of the battle.

He blesses me with a daughter who (despite her bad days such as today) is really trying to be understanding of how tired and sick her mother feels.  Just last week, I was lying in bed with Burrito watching cartoons beside me.  She had not napped and now she wanted a snack!  I was near tears in exhaustion and self-pity.  Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone?  I got her graham crackers and snapped, "I wish someone would fix me a snack!"  Had I said that to my husband or to any man for that matter, they may have missed the request.  But my daughter is a woman in the making.  She gets hints!  (Hooray!)   "I can fix you a snack!" she said.  I requested yogurt and she went right down and got it for me.  And then I teared up again...she did care about me, the sweet girl!  It was just yogurt but it meant a lot more to me.

God has blessed me with friends who listen to me as I struggle through this first trimester, listen graciously, with compassion, and with the knowing that comes with having already walked this path.  Even my most negative feelings find a sympathetic ear.  These women understand.  They've been there.  And how precious to talk to them in flesh and blood.  Not on the computer.  Not on the phone.  They are with me.  They have time for me.  I am so grateful, for it has not always been this way.

God has blessed me with those who have offered to help.  Friends have offered to help me clean house, to watch Burrito, and one even brought me dinner (the first home-cooked meal I'd had in quite some time).  To ease my nausea, she cooked it at her house first so I didn't have to smell food cooking.  And that night the nausea began to abate.

God has blessed me so much.  I am grateful too that my friends have seen me when I was not such a basket case!  But nevertheless, they have loved me right where I am.  So has my husband.  So has my daughter.  I am blessed. 

why i'm so glad i told people earlier this time

In my first pregnancy, I had no idea what to expect.  At that time, I was in Christian ministry in a small town and was one of the most high profile people in the community.  Privacy was not readily available anyway and so this very personal experience of my first pregnancy was a secret I guarded and held close to the chest.  I waited until the end of the first trimester to tell most people.  I didn't know how my body would respond to pregnancy and was not ready to be public about something so personal.  I also closely guarded my ultimate birth plan to have a home birth, wanting to guard against negativity (since I knew I tend toward anxiety anyway).

In retrospect, I probably was right to hold those secrets close to the chest, but even so I am so glad and grateful to not be so controlling of the experience this time.  Heck, not only am I telling pretty much everyone I know, I'm also blogging about the ups and downs of this pregnancy.  I didn't wait until the end of the first trimester to tell, but only until 8 weeks in.

I have discovered that one of the most key times when a pregnant woman needs support is in her first trimester.  This is the most difficult part of pregnancy, complete with mono-like tiredness and debilitating nausea.  Hormones are high and tearfulness is common.  And yet, we so closely guard what we are going through from others.  It has been such a relief to open up and tell my friends and my church about what is going on.  No, I don't dump on everyone, but my closest friends and family know that I'm going through a pretty tough time right now.  We all know that "this too shall pass," but I also know that I need prayer, encouragement and offers of help right now.  I need to take a walk with a friend and pour out the good, the bad and the ugly.  I need to be able to write about what I am going through and process it in a way that carries me through.  I need my Bible study to be praying for me.  I need people with whom I can cry, even though I am not normally a crier.

Will all of this be worth it when the baby comes?  Of course it will!  Am I glad to be having this baby?  Of course I am (though the gladness is more intellectual right now)!  I feel for all of my friends who have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss and mean no disrespect to their experiences.  Clearly, a child is a blessing from God.  But it also takes travail to bring a child into the world.  It takes suffering.  I feel tender, overwhelmed and in need of Christian community right now.

And so, Jesus shows me how He carries me when I cannot carry myself (which all of the time, but even more clear right now).  Jesus gives me grace when my house looks like a tornado hit it.  Jesus shows me love through my husband who is picking up so much of the slack at home.  Jesus is in a friend's listening ear.  He is the offer of help watching my daughter.  He is even in my absolute need to rest and be, instead of do.  I am not alone.  And this too shall pass.

i can finally talk about it: expecting baby number two!

Last month, Christopher and I found out that we are expecting our second baby in December.  I haven't been able to blog much for two reasons: 1) Extreme exhaustion and 2) I couldn't write about what was really going on!

It's amazing how in just weeks, your body COMPLETELY CHANGES as a pregnant lady.  Circulation is affected.  Suddenly, taking a load of clothes out of the washer completely winds me.  I've been sick as a dog when it comes to morning sickness (which in my case should be called evening sickness!). 

I'll be honest...I've been struggling a lot with "receiving with thanksgiving" this first stage of pregnancy.  The exhaustion and nausea have been all-consuming and of course pregnancy brings up all kinds of self-doubt and worry as well.  And I worry about all that I am placing on my husband's shoulders (despite his gracious willingness to shoulder the burden).  I've been looking for resources online to help my attitude improve.  I've been asking for prayers for my attitude to improve.  I know that this too shall pass and I know that ultimately I am struggling with what is a difficult part of a very happy thing (a new baby), but it has been hard.  For those of you with experience in the art of weathering the first trimester, I'd love any advice and encouragement you can offer.  I will share insights I am learning as I go through as well, but for now I am not the expert.  I need to learn and grow.  (And perhaps accept the suffering that comes?)

I did begin to really embrace the joy of this pregnancy when we told Burrito the big secret on Sunday.  I'm sure she thinks that an alien has taken over Mom's body (partially true) since I've been acting so weird.  She was absolutely delighted and has been helping me get Bean's (our nickname for the baby) room organized.  She loves to hear every detail about the pregnancy and how Bean will grow and develop.  She is delighted by it all and it delights me to share with her.  It seems like throughout this time, we have gotten closer as mother and daughter.  She wants to snuggle and talk more (which I always used to wish she would do).  She wants to help.  She's even been acting a little more grown-up as we call her "big sister."  I'm so proud of the new parts of her I see emerging.

My experience with Burrito has taught me a lot.  I had many fears and worries before she was born too.  I was truly worried if I would be a good mother.  But despite some difficulties along the way, Burrito has shown me that there is truly nothing to fear.  My life is so much richer for having her in my life.  I am trying to trust in faith--believing without seeing--that the same will be true of Bean.

I'm also going to buy Creating with God: The Holy Confusing Blessedness of Pregnancy.
The author's argument?  Pregnancy is a way in which God works in us, even when it may be hard to detect His work.  The suffering we go through is not a waste but can train us in the practices of faith.  I think it will be just what the doctor ordered.

P.S. So much for the weight loss plan!

the blessedness of motherhood

I remember when I was pregnant with Burrito how irksome I found so many of the symptoms.  I felt "urpy" my whole pregnancy, tired most of the time, and Burrito laid on a nerve that ran down into my thigh for months.  I started losing sleep in the last trimester as I couldn't get comfortable and Burrito loved to kick me hard.  I couldn't take any medicine when I was sick or had a headache.  I couldn't take too hot of a shower, eat lunchmeat, or drink a glass of wine.  I got so sick of the deprivation.  I was excited (and scared) about the new life that was on the way, but, sister, 9 months is a long time for deprivation!

And then Burrito was born and it was such a tough delivery, and then a c-section.  Everything was hard at this point.  I got so little sleep.  Nursing hurt really bad (don't believe those Le Leche ladies who say, "If you're doing it right, it won't hurt!  Baloney!").  I felt overwhelmed all the time.  I felt alone.

And I found myself resenting the fact that there were aspects of motherhood that my husband could not share with me.  There was no taking turns in pregnancy and nursing.  There was no taking turns in the deprivations of motherhood.  When we got married, like most modern couples, we had the idea that we would cut our responsibilities down the middle and each take half of the burden.  But in the early, intense days of child-bearing, there is no way to do this.  The burden rests heavily on the mother.  Only she can do certain tasks.

And initially, only the mother is tuned into the child.  After all, she has been connected to the baby for months and has gotten a head-start with bonding.  The father cannot be blamed for this.  When I was pregnant, my husband was very excited but had a disconnect with the reality of the baby growing within my womb.  She scarcely seemed real to him until she was born.  And then I found myself waking instantly when she cried in the night.  Inexplicably, my husband was able to sleep through her cries early on.  I was so biologically connected to Burrito that I couldn't understand this at all.  In time, he caught up with the bonding I had already gotten done.  Now, if Burrito wakes in the night, sometimes he wakes up before me and hears her first.

In the early days, we found ways for Christopher to try to share the burden that I was bearing in the midst of my exhaustion and recovery.  When Burrito woke in need of a feeding as a newborn, he would go and get her, change her diaper and bring her to me.  Then he would sleep while I nursed her and rise to take her back.  This helped assuage the exhaustion a bit, but of course it could only go so far.  He also made me a big fatty, protein-laced breakfast in the mornings (I had no idea how draining nursing could be).  He did a lot of other things to help me.  Still, I found it hard at times not to resent the unequal balance in our parenting.  There was absolutely nothing he could do about it.  He could not give birth to Burrito.  He could not nurse her.  It wasn't his fault, but still I found myself bumping up against my 50/50 idea of parenthood.

I think this resentment over our role as women is the primary reason that even after the advent of the ultrasound machine and advanced scientific knowledge of the womb, women persist in saying that when life begins in the womb is a matter for religion not science.  The statement is clearly illogical.  We now know that a baby's heart begins beating by week 6.  By week 12, a baby has fingernails.  At 18 weeks, the baby can hear.  An ultrasound reveals a clearly real human being, moving about within the mother's womb.  A being who has already been given life.  Simply looking at the matter from a purely scientific, logical stand-point, without religious encumbrances, it is clear that life begins in the womb very early.  The pro-choicer's persistence in pursuing broad abortion rights despite our modern scientific knowledge flies in the face of reason.  It reveals the strong, under-girding resentment that many women (perhaps all of us at one time or another?) feel at having the burden of child-bearing laid on our shoulders.  We say that life begins when we say it does because we want this to be true.  We do not want to have a responsibility so heavy and so strong that we cannot escape it.  Not only this, but not every woman has a loving husband who would take on more of the burden of motherhood if only he could.  No, there are times when the burden of motherhood is forcibly laid on the shoulders of women through rape or perhaps, less traumatically, through the failure of birth control.  We shake our fingers at our state.  It's not fair!  Why should we have to bear this burden?  Why should we have to endure deprivation, pain, exhaustion in a way a man can never understand?  And so, we decide to ignore reality in an attempt to escape our fate.  We decide to pretend that little one in our womb is just a mass of tissues and not a real life.

In the midst of my pregnancy, I happened to read a Christian book that dealt with healthy remedies to be used while with child.  Early in the book, the author talked about the blessing of pregnancy.  I remember having a light bulb moment when I read this passage.  I was eager to have my baby, but I was so deeply frustrated with what I--and I alone--had to endure to get to this point.  The author of the book pointed out that a man can never experience the miraculousness of giving birth.  He can never feel the wonder of a living being moving within him.  He cannot bear life into the world.  And of course, he also cannot experience the wonder of the bonding that comes about through nursing.  He does not experience the strong emotional connection that this produces between mother and child.  He does not know the awe of sustaining life from his own body.

I know I am drawing in broad strokes here and I know that some women cannot--or should not--carry a baby in their womb.  Some women cannot nurse their little one.  I mean no disrespect to these ladies.  God gives us each different calls and theirs is certainly equally important, just as the call of father is equally important to that of mother.  And even when a woman cannot or should not engage in child-bearing, she is still given a unique maternal ability that is different from that of a man.  All that is real.  But, broadly speaking, what I am saying is true of women.  We have the unique burden--and the unique gift--of the connection to our child through child-bearing and nursing.  We can choose to look at it as a hassle, or as a uniquely supreme privilege.

At Christmastime, I think of Mary, who bore the greatest burden when it came to a child: the burden of being and unwed teen mother who everyone would assume was promiscuous.  This was not her choice to be pregnant.  It was thrust upon her, despite her status as a virgin.  It was not even something she tried to be open to.  It simply happened to her.  Not only did she have to experience the pain and frustrations of delivery--not to mention travel on a donkey late in pregnancy, but she had to endure ridicule by her community.  How embarrassing and burdensome her state!  But what did she say?  "Let it be unto to me according to Your will." 

I still struggle with the "inequality" of motherhood as I look into the future and wonder if God will give our family more children.  But I have the choice to focus on either the suffering or the miracle.  I hope if I am ever pregnant again, I will be able to choose the miracle more often when in those early intense days.