10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby--Part 2

Yesterday, I started a post on 10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby. Here is the rest of that post:

7. Don't expect life to carry on as before, just with a cute baby in tow.  Expect life to change forever.  Before I had my daughter, I had this crazy idea that I would do my job with a cute baby in tow.  I guess I thought she would be happy and content all the time and I would just cart her around and there would be no inconvenience whatsoever.  I pictured her napping quietly in my office while I visited with people or typed away at a sermon.  Yeah.  Right.  I did try to work from home or with her in tow a lot, but it wasn't anything like I pictured.  Babies need attention.  A lot of attention.  Unrelenting attention.  They cry, poop, scream and everything in between all day long, at inconvenient times.  If you're going to take baby along to work or work from home, you're going to have to adjust your hours, hire a nanny, live near a grandparent or something.  You're not going to be able to be Supermom and do it all.  Maybe this is why Hillary Clinton once wrote a book reminding us of the African proverb that "it takes a village to raise a child."  We all need a little help.  Even stay-at-home moms (as I am now) need some help...somebody to rock the baby or entertain the preschooler while we start supper or clean the floors.  If we believed before that we could do it all, having a baby will forever humble us and deprive us of that notion.  With my second baby, as I've come to accept that I need help sometimes, I've found a lot more peace.  And I've also found a lot of gratitude for the friends and family God has put into my life. 

8. (This is a biggee.)  It's not your fault if the baby won't stop crying.  Oh the anxiety that arises when baby won't stop crying.  Especially with my daughter, I would get twisted into knots trying to figure out the crying, trying to stop it, wondering why I couldn't.  With my son, I'm at least a bit more easy-going.  I'm older and wiser (although I sometimes do still freak out...I'll be honest).  I've mostly come to realize though that babies just cry.  A LOT.  They are acclimating to the world outside the womb.  Their little brains are still developing.  You and they are still getting to know each other.  They literally feel like they are starving a lot of the time as they go through rapid growth spurts.  As their digestive system develops, they have frequent painful gas.  It's tough to be a baby.

But it's also tough to be a new mommy or daddy.  You feel like you should be able to know how to calm the baby down.  But when you have fed them, burped them, changed them, rocked them, checked for anything causing pain, swaddled them, and you still don't know why the baby is crying, it's helpful to set them carefully in their crib, take a step away and take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's not your fault if the baby won't stop crying.  Sometimes you just won't know why they are crying.  Maybe they're just in a bad mood.  Maybe they are missing the womb.  Who knows?  Go easy on yourself.  You're a good mom...a good dad.  You'll get through this.  Do the best you can and accept that you will not always be able to calm baby.

9. Trust your gut.  Ok, this is one that I was told, but it's important enough I still want to include it.  My Mom told me this when my daughter was born.  She told me that God had chosen me to be my baby's mom and hubby to be my baby's dad.  She said we should trust that God would give us the wisdom and the resources to make wise decisions for our baby.  We would receive lots of conflicting advice from people.  Some of them would be adamant in what we should do.  But we just needed to pray about decisions, talk together and come to our own decisions on what was best for our baby.  I have clung to this advice all through parenting.  And I have tried to also apply it to a gracious attitude towards others' parenting styles and methods.  Every baby and family is different.  Every kid is different.  What works for one kid may not work for another.  So much of parenting is trial and error anyway.  So, have confidence in your parenting abilities.  Don't feel like a failure if you do things differently from everybody else.  God chose you to be your child's parent.

10. Having kids may be tougher than you could imagine, but it is also infinitely more wonderful than you could imagine!  I was really apprehensive about having kids.  My husband wanted to have kids...and I did too, but he was willing to push me to make that leap of faith.  I grew up in a broken family and had a lot of worries about repeating past patterns.  I worried if I would even be a good mother.  I thought I wasn't maternal.  And yet...when those little munchkins were born, something happened to me.  I was pulled out of myself, out of my own navel-gazing into a love that was so much bigger than I was.  I'm not that touchy-feely of a person.  But these little people have changed me...for the better.  They've widened my heart, helped me to be more mellow, taught me more about service, given me confidence that I can care for children and do it well.  They've been so much more of a blessing in my life than I ever could have anticipated.  Having kids is hard and demanding and all the rest of it.  But it's also really wonderful and I'm so glad that I didn't miss out on experiencing parenthood.

So...that's my list...What about the rest of you parents out there?  What do you wish you had known before you became a parent?

10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby--Part 1

When my first baby was born, I probably could have written a book on the number of things I didn't know about baby care, postnatal recovery, etc.  With the birth of baby number two, there is a much less steep learning curve, but, particularly since one is a girl and one is a boy, there have still been some things that I wish someone had explained to me ahead of time even now.  There's nothing like on-the-job training but I'd also like to spare any moms-to-be the rude awakening of at least some of these unrealistic expectations if I can.  I am a firm believer that we all do better when we have realistic expectations.  Realistic expectations help us avoid perfectionism, reduce depression and have coping strategies in place when tough times come.

So, without further ado, here is my top 10 list of Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby before I had said baby.  Some are from my first baby and some are from my second.

1. Regular childbirth is much much much (did I mention MUCH?) easier to recover from than a c-section.  I did know this one, but I think I focused so much on the natural aspect of childbirth (no medication!) with my first child that I didn't leave myself as open to the fact that I might need some medical help and that the chief objective of having a vaginal delivery is much more important than doing it hospital or drug free.  With my second baby, I was blessed to have a team of doctors who understood how best to help women have VBACs and although they certainly would have recommended a c-section if it became medically necessary, they would never do it to get to their golf game.  They had so many strategies up their sleeve to help women succeed if at all possible.  I did use some medication with baby number two.  The pain was to a point that it was unmanageable but the rest the medication gave me ultimately helped me succeed at getting a VBAC.  The recovery period has been rapid following normal childbirth, whereas with a c-section, my recovery took a full 8 weeks.  I also have been better able to bond with the baby, have regained energy and strength faster, and have managed to avoid the deeper depression and exhaustion that characterized my first postpartum period.  I was tempted in the midst of the exhaustion and pain of the pushing stage to just tell the doctor to give me a c-section so I could be done.  I'm so glad I didn't and I'm so glad she didn't rush to that option.

2. With that said, you can't control birth and it doesn't really ultimately matter how your baby is born.  You will love them no matter what.  Yes, vaginal delivery is better for most women's bodies and for their postpartum period, but at the same time, we are not God and this never becomes clearer to us than when we go into labor.  My first delivery was everything I hoped it would not be...nightmarishly long followed by a c-section...but even though I had a rough start, I fell in love with my daughter.  All of the pain and discomfort to have her were worth it.  Some women are unable to have vaginal deliveries, for various health reasons.  And all births are different and unpredictable.

After my daughter's birth, I had to come to a place of accepting how things had gone and that even though I had a "birth plan," birth does not really go according to plan.  It's best to know all your options, plan loosely and focus on the the fact that you are about to receive a tremendous gift...one way or another.  Knowing all your options enables you to have a "tool kit" to reach into.  The wise old nurse who did our childbirth classes this time told us, "If your pain gets out of control, that's when it's time to think about changing something."  That's when to reach into the tool kit and pick out a new tool...a new position, a new pain coping mechanism, a medication, maybe even a c-section if necessary.  Being too rigid in birth can only set you up for disappointment--or even depression.

3. Be prepared for some weird postpartum bodily stuff.  Everybody tells you about the baby blues and postpartum depression, so you probably won't be too surprised if you burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  But no one had told me about the world's longest period (lasting 4-6 weeks postpartum), the night sweats, or the rapid and sudden weight loss that can occur within a few days after birth (especially if you are nursing). Nursing and night sweats take the weight and fluid off fast.  If you gained a little extra during pregnancy, it won't completely restore you to pre-pregnancy weight, but you could lost 20-25 pounds in the matter of days.  With my first pregnancy, this scared me to death.  I thought perhaps something was wrong with me!  Be prepared for some potential anxiety, shakiness, and feeling pretty weird with that kind of rapid weight loss.  Be prepared to eat plenty of protein and calories if this happens; you will need them!  Your system should stabilize in a few days to a couple of weeks.

4. Nursing can be painful at first--sometimes very painful--even if you are doing everything correctly (take that, Le Leche!:-)).  Some women are just more sensitive than others and it does take a little time to toughen up.  It bothers me a lot when Le Leche members tell people that nursing should not hurt if you are doing everything right and if baby has a proper latch.  This is true a month or two down the road once you have toughened up and acclimated to nursing.  But it might hurt a bit or a lot at first, even if you are trying your darndest to get baby latched properly.  The pain is typically when the baby first latches on but if you have gotten blisters, it can last throughout the nursing session.  So, yes, address the baby's latch, but be patient with yourself and with the pain and soreness.  If nursing is important to you (and there are a ton of benefits to health and bonding), try giving nursing 4-6 weeks.  Generally, problems resolve by then, baby learns to suck properly, soreness begins to ease, and skin toughens up.  Also, make use of a lactation consultant if you can, use cloth nursing pads (much less abrasive than the disposable ones), and try lanolin or natural nipple cream.  Finally, if you experiencing cracking or blisters, soaking the affected area in warm salt water after nursing is soothing and helpful in promoting healing.  This was a life-saver for me the first time around!

5. Be prepared for the amount of time you will spend nursing--at least 8-12 times per day for at least 30 minutes each time.  Baby will eventually get more efficient at nursing.  He or she will fall asleep less and get more focused.  And your body will adjust to providing baby the proper amount of milk.  But initially it is a huge time commitment.  Not only that but your little baby liposuction machine will be sucking fat out of your body so fast that you will have never been so hungry or thirsty in your entire life.  Drink a full glass of water as often as you can and get multiple high-energy snacks throughout the day (trail mix, yogurt, cheese sticks, granola bars, cookies, apples and peanut butter, bagels and cream cheese, etc.).  A depleted mom is not a happy mom.  Early on, I find myself looking at my job as two-fold: feed baby all day and feed myself all day.

Although baby will eventually become more efficient at nursing and will drop feedings little by little, for as long as you are nursing, it is still a big commitment of time and energy.  I was totally unprepared for this with my first baby. Nursing is a supply and demand game, so a person has to do it regularly to ensure enough milk supply.  This means feedings can very rarely be put off without consequences.  Yes, you can have a dinner date with hubby and leave a bottle for the sitter.  But if you don't nurse or pump every few hours, one way or another, your supply is going to start dropping.  Finding a way to combine nursing or pumping with work schedules is one of the most challenging things a modern mom has to do.  And in our culture, there are many times it's well nigh impossible.  It was a huge challenge for me to nurse and work with my first daughter--and I had a very flexible schedule.  I can't imagine how women with more rigid schedules manage to do it!  Still, if you can do it, it's worth doing.  My daughter had almost no sickness in the 17 months I nursed her.  My newborn did not catch the colds that we had in the house right after he was born.  And the benefit to bonding is outstanding.

If you can't manage nursing, though, no guilt!  We all have to think and decide what is best for our families and if it is killing you to nurse, it might be time to stop.  Again, a depleted mom is not a happy mom.  Being depleted affects the baby too.  No child care decisions are perfect and we all do the best we can.  The best thing we can do for other women is support them in the difficult choices they make about such a wide range of baby-care decisions.  Being a mom is tough and all of us need more encouragement, not more criticism.

6. Baby boys eat more.  A lot more.  After my son was born a month ago, I was shocked at the constant feeding he wanted to do!  I mentioned to my friends that he wanted to eat every hour, oftentimes.  Their response was, "Oh, that's boys!"  Apparently, everyone else was aware that boys eat a ton more than girls and often go into marathon nursing sessions.  Nobody bothered to tell me though!  I was prepared for the more regular every 2-3 hours feedings my daughter did.  Nope.  Most of the moms of boys that I've talked to since Bean was born have said their sons did the same marathon nursing sessions.  Now I know!

To be continued tomorrow....

It's not about me...

I've been having a sentence burning its way into my heart and mind lately.  It comes to me at times when I see something on Facebook or the internet that gives me a flash of anger...a flow of self-righteousness...an argument on my lips and in my heart.  It comes to me when someone who disagrees with me says something sharp and pointed.

This is the sentence: "It's not about you, Rebecca." 

This comes to me again and again.  In my sinful flesh, I am so eager to claim I am so righteous, the other person is so wrong, and it's all about me and my opinion!  But Jesus has been reminding me over and over again that It's not about me!  I can relax.  I don't have to prove myself.  I don't have to smack down someone's argument.  I don't have let everyone know how right I am.  I also don't have to be liked.  I do have to make an effort to show God's love to people.  Because my actions are viewed by one Audience: God.

It's not about me.  It's about Jesus and a world full of people who are hurting, just like I am.  It's about taking myself out of the way and letting Jesus shine through.

I stink at this a lot of times.  I want to claim my Christian rights.  I want to be in the spotlight.  I want to argue my point.  I get all caught up in the claim that poor Christians are so persecuted, forgetting that Christians in America know little of persecution and that even when it does come, Jesus said that it would.  I forget the pain of others in trying to force everybody to see my own distress, my own point of view.

Meanwhile, the person I want to argue with is essentially saying to me, "I hear your argument, but I don't hear your love."  Or maybe I am trying to listen and they are "giving me no credit for listening"...do I get upset and offended?  Or do I listen some more, get to know them, tell the truth about my beliefs but never give up on being their friend?  Do I claim my rights to be understood?  Or do I remember, "It's not all about me?"  Do I see where Christians have hurt them?  Do I see a person that God loves?  Or just my own ego?

Jesus was firm and unapologetic about His beliefs, but He was also incarnational.  He came near to us poor sinners.  His truth was something expressed through a relationship.  Will I be like Jesus and listen?  Or just love the sound of my own voice? 

And when I do speak and give witness to God's Word, do I have to be liked?  Do I have to be understood?  Does it pain me when people don't give me credit for being balanced and nuanced and compassionate?  Or do I accept the pain of people's misunderstanding, knowing that God loves them?  Do I let myself relax and say, "It's ok.  I will do my best to love and to learn from their correction, but I will also be faithful to God.  I'll try to change where I need to shed self-righteousness and lovelessness, but I won't go along with people just to be liked.  It's ok if they don't understand.  It's ok if I am maligned (as long as it's not because I'm being a jerk!)."

Over and over again, Jesus says to me, "It's not about you, Rebecca."  I'm learning to listen.  It might take me a lifetime...

the berenstain bears and father as dunce

It’s a well known fact that sitcoms make a living off making fun of fathers as the dunce of the show.  And I guess that’s Hollywood.  They aren’t known for filling us with fine moral values.

But recently, I’ve been thinking about how the “father as dunce” theme has found its way into even the most family-friendly places.  The Berenstain Bears.  Who of us as parents hasn’t read and treasured these books as kids and used them to help our own children through the transitions and learning experiences of life?

But have you ever noticed that Papa Bear is frequently the dunce in these favorite childhood books? 

For example, in The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners, it’s Mama who lays out the rules and punishments for bad manners.  The book says, “She tried going to Papa for help (though it sometimes seemed to Mama that he was part of the problem).”  Papa is supportive of Mama, but blind to his own poor manners.  “…it wasn’t so easy for Papa.  He was the one who got fed up.  It’s a little harder to change habits when you’re older, and he had to do quite a few chores for forgetting his manners.”  Yes, Papa resists Mama the whole way.  This wouldn’t be so bad if once in a while Mama could humorously do something wrong, thus showing that though neither parents are perfect, both are loving and want the best for Brother and Sister Bear.  But, no, it’s always Papa who has to be taught a lesson by Mama.  He’s just too dumb and ill-mannered to figure it out for himself.

In The Berenstain Bears and Too Much TV, Papa is the worst offender in overuse of the television.  He is the one who thinks Brother and Sister Bear have to take the week off from TV (at least he supports Mama in that), but that he can keep watching his game.  He is the one who at the end of the book, after Brother and Sister have learned their lesson and want to do other things besides TV, still plops in front of the tube and though he doesn’t stay there all day, he watches more than anyone else in the family.  He’s the one who least learns his lesson.  It’s all-knowing Mama who is the moral authority once again.

I understand the need for humor in these books and let’s face it, some dads do fall into these stereotypes.  I doubt that Stan and Jan Berenstain had anything against fathers.  I’m sure that they don’t want to turn kids against their dads.  And we still read the books regularly in our house.  Some of them let do Papa be the expert in something, and I understand that too.  But I read The Berenstain Bears now with questions in my head.  Questions like: do images like these in books and television shows make fathers feel like dopes?   Do they make kids treat their dads that way?

Are we so conditioned to the picture of Dad as the dunce that we don’t even notice it? 

Are we committed to the idea that Mom is the real smart parent and moral authority and that she runs the show?  Do we think dads have nothing to offer in the way of opinions about parenting, loving care, a different perspective from Mom? 

The parenting model made up of a partnership between husband and wife is popular, rather than viewing parenthood solely as the domain of the mother.  But do we mothers actually act like we believe that, or do we just mouth the words?  Do we act like our husbands are dummies without any knowledge of how to raise kids, without any insight to offer us?  Do we insist on doing everything ourselves because “he can’t do it right”?

Granted, because the young fathers of this generation might be the first ones in their families to do real hands-on fathering, having not learned it from their fathers because it was viewed as “women’s work,” we absolutely have a lot of knowledge and insight to impart that might not occur to dads naturally.  It doesn’t always come naturally to men to read the parenting books, or think about every little thing that we do.  And they don’t have the experience of carrying a baby in their womb and the deep connection between parent and child that that brings.  Once a baby is born, a father must take some time to get to know the child and develop that bonded relationship that has already begun between mother and child.  But fathers still have an important, irreplaceable role in their children’s lives.

Can’t we be more encouraging of their efforts to rise above the strict gender roles?  Can’t we be more of cheerleaders for them as they blaze a new trail as the pioneers of connected and involved fatherhood?  Can’t we take the time to listen to their input and at least consider it fairly?

Because a loving Dad is never a dunce.  He’s a parent in training.  Just like you and me.

a toddler CAN get something out of church

I don’t usually give parenting advice on this blog.  I think the main reason for this is that parenting has taught me a profound sense of humility.  For, as we moms and dads know, whenever we think we’ve “got it” in some area of parenting, our little one flips our world upside down again and shows us just how little we know.  So if I give advice, I try to do it cautiously and without judgment toward others, because being a mom is hard enough without everybody in the world judging why you’re doing it wrong and they’re doing it right.

But I want to give just a little cautious parenting advice.  I only have one kid, and what has worked (so far) with her may not work with everybody.  But I’d like to ask you to at least consider what I have to say about kids and church.

As an aside though, let me say without equivocation that I hope all of my readers are serious about passing their faith on to their kids.  Nothing—nothing in the world—could be more important than that.  And nobody in the world is more influential in terms of forming their faith and values than you are.  This is the part of my advice that I’m not going to hedge on.

I have heard parents say, “We’re not going to teach our kids any religion.  When they grow up, they can choose a religion for themselves.” This is such a nonsense statement because in every other area of life, we freely recognize that kids don’t know what is good for them. You can give them the choice between broccoli and candy and most every kid in the world will choose candy.  You can tell kids they have the choice between lying or not lying when they did wrong and they’ll probably choose lying so they don’t get caught.  You have to teach kids values…they don’t come by values naturally.  We parents get just 18 years of life to help kids become responsible adults with character and strong values and beliefs.  If you have any inkling of faith in your life, it makes sense to get serious about that and do your best to practice it personally and pass it along to your kids.  What in life could be more significant than that?

Ok, so that’s the part of my advice that I just can’t agree to disagree on.  We parents have simply got to pass on our faith to our kids.

But when it comes to how we apply that part of the advice, that's the part where I feel strongly but can agree to disagree as I do understand every kid is different. 

I believe with all my heart that a toddler can get something out of church, if you prepare them for what they will experience there.  It’s gonna take some hard work on Mom and Dad’s part.  And it’s unrealistic, of course, to expect them to spend the whole service sitting there with their hands folded.  But it’s entirely possible that they can begin to develop their own faith life while worming around in the pew with Mom and Dad.

Here are some things I have found helpful in terms of helping Burrito to appreciate and get something out of the church service:

1)      Every time we go to church, I try to remind Burrito beforehand that we need to be quiet in church.  I have taught her the reason for this, as it’s a lot to expect of a toddler to be quiet when they aren’t in on the “why” of church.  When I ask her why we have to be quiet at church, now she can answer, “People listen God’s Word!”  I explain to her that if we are super noisy at church, other people won’t be able to hear God’s Word and won’t be able to hear how much He loves them.  Besides teaching faith, I hope to teach her empathy (one of the most important virtues we as parents can pass on to our kids).  I want her to be able to think of others and how they feel and not just her own feelings.

2)      Most churches (ours included) have busy bags that usually include a few toys and books, as well as something Bible-related to color (or perhaps an activity page).  It makes a lot of sense to bring a few favorite toys and books from home too, and also to emphasize to your child that they may have toys but they need to play quietly.

3)      Prepare your child for anything unusual that might happen at church.  I remember when I was serving as a pastor, there was one family who always sat near the front of the church.  It was wonderful to see the whole family together on Sunday morning and I deeply admired the parents for their commitment to this.  But the toddlers in this family were going through a stage for a while where they would be extremely noisy during the service and I could not hear myself think when I was trying to preach a sermon.  On Good Friday that year, I saw the family coming in and thought, “Yikes!  Imagine how noisy those kids are going to be!”  I didn’t want to make the mom feel bad; it’s tough enough to be the mom when your kids are acting up without somebody making you feel bad about it, and after all, she was bringing her kids.  Suddenly it occurred to me that what I really needed to do was to talk directly to the kids about the service.  So I got down on their level and explained to them how the service was a very serious one, and how it was about Jesus dying for us, and we needed to be quiet during this service.  I asked them if they thought they could do that, and they said yes.  That day, I saw a noticeable improvement in their behavior.  I was really proud of them.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of this approach before.  I think it’s because often children are invisible to us in church unless they are misbehaving.  But, Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

4)      I feel strongly that our children should be beside us in the pew on Sunday morning, rather than relegated to a children’s church service.  I believe nothing makes a bigger impact on kids’ faith than seeing their parents’ faith in action.  You may think Junior is paying zero attention to you or the church service, but it is not lost on him that you are regularly taking time to go and worship God.  My husband talks about the impact going to church with his dad had on him.  His dad would stand beside him and sing out of tune but at the top of his lungs.  His dad modeled that faith didn’t have to be perfect or neat or tidy, but it did need to be a regular part of life.

5)      One of the biggest barriers to kids getting something out of the church service is that everybody tells them to just sit there during a service that is often hard for even adults to understand, and nobody explains to them what is going on.  I try to take every opportunity I can to invite Burrito into the action, into being a part of what is going on.  No, she can’t read yet, so she can’t participate in everything but there is a definitely a real benefit to her in being part of a traditional church that uses liturgy.  Because many of the words of the service are the same every Sunday, the worship service becomes something that she (and other non-readers) can memorize and participate in.  Sometimes she forgets that she can do this, so during certain parts of the liturgy (such as the Kyrie, Apostle’s Creed, Prayers, and Lord’s Prayer), I pick her up and say, “You sing too!” or “You pray too!”  I let her play and color and just pick things up by osmosis during the other parts of the service but if there is something she can participate in, I do all I can to help her join in.  During the other parts of the service, I try to whisper in her ear what is going on too.  For example, during the Readings, I whisper, “He’s reading us God’s Word, so we gotta listen.”  She often whispers questions to me about the service or decorations in the sanctuary and I do my best to whisper a reply to her.  Nothing’s worse than sitting in a service having no idea what’s going on.  You and I would be bored too!  I want the service to be accessible to her.

6)      Don’t hesitate to lovingly discipline bad behavior.  When I was a little girl, my mom also had my brother and I sit with the family at church.  She never took us to the nursery when we acted up because she said, “Once a kid figures out how they got to the nursery, they never forget!”  So, she would take me out and make me face a white wall till I calmed down.  I use a similar approach with Burrito.  If she is making a loud ruckus at church (such as stomping her feet or talking loudly), she gets a warning and if she keeps it up, she gets taken out for a “time out.”  Before a time-out, I look her in the eye and explain to her why she is getting the punishment.  I then sit cross-legged with her on my lap, facing a wall (in a place where people can’t hear her being noisy).  I hold her gently but firmly for about 90 seconds and I try not to interact with her.  After the time is up, I gently turn her around and look her in the eye again.  I ask her why she got a time out (she usually can tell me why).  I explain why that was a problem (when she’s noisy, people can’t hear God’s Word) and ask her not to do it again.  I then give her a hug and tell her I love her.  She usually behaves better after that.

As I said above, parenthood has given me an extra measure of humility so I will say it’s entirely possible that I might wake up tomorrow and none of this will work anymore.  But these are some things that have helped me so far.  It does take some extra effort to train our kids how to behave in church, but I believe our efforts are more than worth it.  Nothing is more important than helping our kids to know God and His love for them and for the whole world.  I hope some of these tips will be helpful to some of you.

on being a non-judgmental mommy

In my last post, I told you of my journey to become a stay-at-home mom and what a surprise it is to me that this is what I want to do.  I’m very aware that lots of moms out there are a bit sensitive on this topic, so I want to take a moment to address those fears, and to let you know that you have a safe place here on this blog.

I think that being a mother today is a very tough job.  I think that when our babies are born, it’s like this self-critical, self-judging chip gets planted in our brains.  We are always obsessing over whether we are doing a good enough job as a mom, and maybe even more frequently, whether other moms are judging us on our decisions.

It seems like when I would talk about my desire to keep Burrito out of daycare, other moms who were using daycare felt like they needed to justify their decision to me.  This made me sad.  I didn’t want to make them feel that way.

Decisions, decisions.  There are the choices of babyhood: cloth diapers or disposable?  Nursing or bottle-feeding?  There are the choices of child care: Nanny or daycare?  Stay home or work?  Vaccines or no?  And it’s easy to meet moms who will jump down your throat over the decisions you’ve made.

Now, it’s true that there are some awful parents out there.  But I honestly don’t think most moms are like that.  Most moms are just trying the best they can to get through the day and love their kids as well as they can and care for their kids in the best way they can.  For some families, bottle-feeding is best.  For some families, attachment parenthood is best.  For some families, Mom feels called to have a job.  For some families, Mom can’t imagine being anywhere but home.  Everybody’s situation is different.

As long as we moms aren’t putting our kids in danger, don’t we owe it to each other to support each other in the decisions we make, to be a positive, encouraging voice to each other in a world full of negativity?  To not make each other feel dumb and inadequate?  Chances are, the moms you know have thought long and hard about the decisions they are making for their children.  They want the best for their children and as far as they can tell, their choices reflect the best they have the capacity to give their kids.  Maybe we could respect that, instead of making moms feel like dirt.  Isn’t being a mom tough enough?

I don’t know how I would have gotten through those tough early days of mothering without positive women encouraging me along.  I always appreciated those women who told me what worked for them while emphasizing that I needed to find what worked for my family.  And so, sometimes I took their advice and sometimes I didn’t.  I found that with prayer and discussion with my husband, I was able to find a unique patchwork of strategies that worked for our unique family.  My Mom told me that’s what I should do, and I’m so glad she did.

So, I want each of you to know, as you read this blog, that my goal is to just share my experiences as a mother without casting judgment on yours.  I know you love your kids and want the best for them.  Please assume the best of me too.  And then maybe we can learn from each other.