adventures in pregnancy: mr. bean

Pregnancy has not been good for blogging.  I thought it might be.  I mean, I could whine and moan about the discomforts of pregnancy for NINE WHOLE MONTHS, right?  Ample material!  But...I also started to think of how SICK of my whining my friends and readers would get...and how sad my friends who struggle with conceiving might feel...and how STINKIN' TIRED I would be--so tired that even spending time whining and moaning seemed as though it might take too much energy.  I remember after my first trimester how I knew I was beginning to feel a bit better because the idea of watching a TV show downstairs on the couch was not so overwhelmingly exhausting (I'd been crashing in bed many hours a day).  LAYING ON THE COUCH was exhausting!  I mean, seriously!  Who can blog?

Not to mention that my blog definitely takes a food slant and just try writing about food when you can't stomach food.  Just, ew.  Gross.

I have barely cooked for my family in months.  Yep, that's right.  Me.  Flathead Mama.  Foodie.  More often than not, I find myself getting take-out or making a big salad for dinner.  Or a sandwich.  Mmmmmm....  Garlic has become persona non grata, which eliminates basically all of my recipes except dessert (although if I had found a way to add garlic to dessert, that probably would be part of my repertoire too!).  The first trimester, I couldn't cook or even stand cooking smells in the house.  I was craving chili one day and I made my husband cook it on the barbecue grill.  A few friends brought me casseroles.  BLESS THEM.  Because of them, my family could actually eat a few home-cooked meals!  And Sweet Peaks...Oh, God bless Sweet Peaks...their creamy, homemade ice cream was one of the few things that tasted really good.  Hence, my visits about three times a week.  No exaggeration.

And then...just as the afternoon sickness of nausea began to abate, I got a bad sinus infection that turned into a cough that made me throw up (which, strangely enough, I had never done from pregnancy nausea...in either pregnancy!).  And then I got food poisoning and had diarrhea for 4 days.  I was reminded of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."  Haha.  In a way, it was good.  I had gained a little weight before getting pregnant.  This equaled me out a little bit.  Look on the positive side, I guess.  I wouldn't recommend 4 days of diarrhea as the best diet ever though.  Don't try this at home.

I got so depleted, I started having what almost felt like contractions.  So I had to get checked out at labor and delivery.  There was enough instability that they ordered an ultrasound.  But ultimately, baby was found to be staying put.  I went home, rested, stayed in bed (some more) while my husband did basically everything (some more).  BLESS HIM.  Without him, I probably couldn't have gotten well.  But I did.

The last week or so has been good.  We have done more fun things in the last week than in practically the whole pregnancy combined.  (Arts Festival!  Swimming at the lake!  Farmer's Market!  Thursday Fest in Kalispell!  Movie with the hubby!)  I'm tired and sore these days (and suffering from more allergies than usual), but functional.  And we found out this week that our baby Bean is a boy, so we have taken to calling him Mr. Bean.  I'm feeling him move more and more and so grateful to have gotten this far.  So grateful for the husband, daughter, family, and friends who have helped me through the hormones and sickness and difficulties of the first trimester (and part of the second).  So grateful to God for sustaining me even through an all-too-frequent negative attitude.  So grateful for the good and replenishing activities I've been able to do this week.

I hope with some renewed health and energy, I will be able to post a little more often.  But however things work out, know that I plan to be with this blog long-term.  Because, well, writing is awesome.  And so are my readers.

Great tool for teaching kids about faith!

As Burrito and I have worked on our at-home preschool curriculum in the last few months, we have had a Bible verse memorization song each week.  Some of the songs have just been familiar childhood tunes, but we have also used a fantastic resource put out by Christian recording artist, Steve Green.  Amazon.com has the MP3s available individually or as a group for Green's Bible verse song recordings, Hide 'Em In Your Heart, Vol. 1 and Hide 'Em In Your Heart, Vol. 2. 

The full recordings are $10.99 and the singles are $.99.  The songs are catchy and uplifting.  You may even find yourself singing them when your kiddo isn't around!

Highly recommended!

5 Great Free/Cheap Kindle Books for Kids

Since buying my first Kindle in November, I've been a regular visitor to Amazon's list of the current top 100 free e-books.  Routinely, I find free children's picture books and I pick up quite a few of them.  Some of these free books are "worth every penny"--none!  These poor quality books repeat the same old themes, sometimes make no sense, are hackneyed and even have poor illustrations.  But I also find the occasional gem.  I want to share 5 nice finds with you.  All of these were originally free when I picked them up, but double-check before purchasing.  Some of them may now a cheap buy.

My reviewing is based on navigating my black and white screen Kindle with keyboard and 3G.  Undoubtedly, I would get more out of picture books using a Kindle Fire, but it's not in the budget numbers right now.

Without further ado, here are 5 solid picks in free/cheap Kindle books for kids:
1. Don't Juggle Bees! And Other Useless Advice For Silly Children by Gerald Hawksley.  This is a really funny, silly book that will make your toddler giggle.  There are a couple of "rhyme-fillers" but most of them make splendid absurdity.  Really cute pictures too!  This is my personal favorite of any free kids' books I have downloaded.

2. Is It Nice? Manners For Kids by Casey Chapman is a very simple book with simple print and illustrations.  But I like how it asks kids directly if different behaviors are nice.  My daughter answered the questions and got actively engaged in it!  Because there weren't too many words, the book gave us a great chance to talk through a few "manners scenarios" too.

3.  My Little Pet Dragon (A fun picture book for children 3-6!) by Scott Gordon.  I must confess that I don't like most of Scott Gordon's picture books that I found online but I do like this one.  It has pretty simple illustrations, but they're cute and the text has a few silly jokes that will get a giggle.  It's one we've read not just once, but re-read.

4. Pookie and Tushka Find a Little Piano by Jorge.  This one is a Burrito pick.  For some reason, this somewhat random story of little polar bear and penguin find a frozen piano is becoming one of her favorites.  The pictures are engaging and the book ends with some facts about the Icelands and about polar bears and penguins.  The book also talks the timid little polar bear out of some of his fears through the power of friendship.  There some amusing pictures of monsters too.

5. Hana Rescues Misty by Azra Z. Mehdi.  This is probably the best illustrated children's book I have found.  The pictures are really beautiful.  The story is a bit old-hat, but still touching and sweet.  Kids who love animals will love the story of the little girl who rescued the cat caught in the tree.

I hope you and your little ones enjoy these as much as we did!

only my daughter

Things to categorize under "Only My Daughter":
--Only my daughter would get up from sleeping in bed after making a messy to CHANGE HER OWN DIAPER WITHOUT CALLING MOM
--Only my daughter would make such a mess of it that when I finally heard her crashing around her room and went upstairs, the messy was smeared into the floor...leaving me wondering CAN THIS BE CLEANED UP?  (It could)
--Only my daughter would empty half of her bath soap in the tub in an effort to clean herself and then giggle at her luck at getting a bubble bath in the middle of the night
--Only my daughter would crack me up with post-bath acrobatics
--Only my daughter would leave me with a tender heart after having been down on my hands and knees scrubbing up the most disgusting mess ever
--Only my daughter makes such gag-worthy tasks an act of love
--Only my daughter...fills my heart with love...

I don't know how it can be that we had such tender moments after this diaper cataclysm.  But we did.

You couldn't have explained this to me at all before I had kids.  It defies explanation.

I love that little stinker.

teaching your kids about God: devotions together

A couple of weeks ago, I began a series of occasional posts on that most important of responsibilities we have been given as a parent: teaching our kids about God.  The first post focused on how play-acting can be a helpful teaching technique with kids.  Today, I want to talk about the benefits having devotion time together, side by side.

Years ago, I remember reading a wonderful article in Discipleship Journal about how we go through seasons of life in relation to our devotional times.  The time a single college student has to spend in the Word, prayer, and worship is different from the time a young mom or dad with small children has to spend.  There are so many seasons and stages of life and we ought not hold ourselves to the standard of a previous stage of life.  The important thing is simply to be in the Bible to the best of our ability in the stage of life we are in.

Some of my mommy friends and I were recently discussing that we all struggle to even start having a devotion time because we feel we cannot get into it with the depth that we would like, the depth that we have had in the past.  The feeling that easily arises is, "Why start?"  But what we fail to recognize is that consistency is the key, not perfection.  To be in the Word regularly, even if all we can manage is a few minutes, is better than a once-monthly, stressed-out cram session.  After all, we can always add to a consistent routine.  There is room to grow, but at least there is a foundation.

What does this have to do with teaching our kids about faith, you ask?  Well, when I was growing up, my mom made a point of having me see her read God's Word.  I think, remembering that from a child's perspective, I held her up to a high standard that said somehow she managed to go in depth in the little kid years.  And so when when I couldn't figure out how to do this, I felt like a failure.  I talked to her recently about this and it seems it was more challenging than I remembered.  I began to realize that what really matters is just that I read God's Word and that my daughter sees me reading and valuing God's Word. 

About a week ago, we started a new routine at our house: Mommy and Burrito devotions together in the morning.  It all started at Burrito's initiation.  I went into her room to get her up and found her in her rocking chair with a children's Bible.  "I'm listening to God's Word," she told me.  My heart was warmed and since I was behind on my Bible reading (again), I ran and grabbed my Bible and study guide, plopped down on the floor and took this God-given opportunity. 

I caught up with my Bible reading that day and the experience was so precious that every day since then I have gone in, gotten her changed and had devotion with her.  I read my Bible.  She pages through a children's Bible of her choice.  Yes, she peppers me with whispered questions.  "Who's this, Mommy?...Is this Jesus?...What are they doing?...Are you all done with your reading?"  Sometimes I try to read the same sentence in my Bible many times before I finish it.  But we are learning a routine together and gaining mutual accountability.  We are valuing God's Word together.  Sometimes we share with each other what we are "reading."  Opportunities for teaching arise right and left.  When I finish my reading, I read her a Bible story or two.  Then we fold our hands and pray together.  We ask God's blessing on the day and we give thanks for the answers to prayer.  It's simple and it's beautiful. 

I think we will be having devotions together for a long time.

fun winter day activity: molasses-on-snow candy

Molasses drizzled on fresh, clean snow.

Burrito and I have been trying to come up with fun winter's day activities.  We have been reading the wonderful series of children's picture books based on the original Little House Books by Laura Ingalls Wilder (for example: A Little Prairie House (Little House)).  The pictures are beautiful and the stories are just the way I remember.  It's been wonderful to share those memories with her.  We recently read Christmas in the Big Woods (Little House) and Burrito was fascinated by the molasses-on-snow candy that Laura and Mary made.  When it snowed heavy and thick this week, she suggested that we make the candy.  So, I dug out The Little House Cookbook and looked up the recipe.  It's very simple: 1 cup of molasses, plus 1/2 cup of brown sugar.  You prepare pans of snow and set them outside to be ready when the mixture gets hot.  You mix and heat the molasses and brown sugar until it boils and then turn it down to medium heat.  You heat the mixtures until it is 245 degrees, stirring frequently to be sure not to burn it.  Then, you bring in your pans of snow, drizzle the mixture across the top (I used a measuring cup with a pour spout so that Burrito could pour too), and let the candy harden.  When it has cooled and hardened, you break the candy into bite-sized pieces.

The finished product!

A couple of tips: if you drip the molasses mixture anywhere, it will make a terrible mess!  Be prepared to use some elbow grease and some vinegar to scrub it off.  Secondly, if you keep the candy in too warm a place, it will slowly melt back down to liquid.  So, eat what you want and eat it fast!:-)  Delish!

teaching your kids about God: play-acting

I may have been brought up in the Church and I may have been to seminary and Bible school, but I still have moments when I tremble before the awesome responsibility of teaching my daughter about God.  It is intimidating to think of the effect it can have in her life if I "get it wrong."  It is scary to think of how to explain faith in a way she can understand.  And it is easy to let faith teaching fall by the wayside in the midst of life's busyness.  I struggle with all those same challenges, just like all of you do.  So, from time to time, I'd like to share with you ideas that have worked for our family and helped us to pass on our faith.

The first idea I'd like to share with you is play-acting!  My daughter is a fairly dramatic young lady.  We regularly act out parts of fairy tales, particularly Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast.  One day, as we were working through Truth in the Tinsel and trying to learn the Christmas story, it occurred to me that we could act it out.  We fell into it so naturally.  I would be the Angel appearing to Mary (my daughter) and saying, "Do not be afraid, Mary!"  Mary would end by saying, "I'll do whatever God wants."  Or I would be Joseph, taking Mary to look for a place to stay in Bethlehem, but finding all the "hotel rooms" full, and then praising Mary for her strength in the midst of adversity.  Or Mary would rock a baby doll Jesus and sing to him.  Or Mary and Joseph would run away from Herod and go to Egypt.  Suddenly, my daughter was really getting into it!  And she was learning the story and learning faith lessons from the characters.  She wasn't having a faith lesson forced on her.  She was learning it organically.  Now, she pleads not only to play Princess, but also to play Mary and Joseph!

So, now we have moved on to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the Fiery Furnace.  It is a great faith lesson for following God and refusing to bow down to idols.  Burrito loves to pretend to be the 3 faithful men and come out of the furnace saying, "I didn't even get smoke on my clothes!"  She loves to proclaim to the King that she "won't sing the Bunny Song" (a la Veggie Tales).

So...want to get started with your own play-acting?  Don't worry...costumes and props are not even needed!  That's the great thing about kids; they can imagine all that stuff.  Just get out your children's Bible and pick a good story.  Read it several times with your child.  Then, start an improv of the story, together with your child.  Use modern day words to get the meaning across.  Let your child choose which character they want to play.  As you act out the story, let lessons emerge naturally.  Let creativity flourish!  Remind yourself that the people of the Bible were real people, like you and me.  I promise you will be inspired!

Most Popular Posts of the Year: #5 A Toddler CAN Get Something Out of Church

For the next few days, I will be posting 10 most popular Flathead Mama posts of the year.  I would like to invite you to take this chance to catch up on a good buzz-worthy post that you may missed.  Please also drop a comment on the original post.  I'd love to continue the conversation.  If you found a post particularly useful to you, I'd love your help to get the word out about Flathead Mama: copy and paste the link and post to your Facebook page, Twitter about it, or post to a Pinterest profile.  

Thanks and enjoy!
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 The #5 most popular post of the year shared lots of tips on taking your toddler to church.  I'm a big believer in the value of having your kids in church next to you, instead of relegated to children's church or the church nursery.  I think the teaching power of seeing Mom and Dad actively worshiping in church is very important.  It communicates to the kids that Mom and Dad think this is important--not that they just say it's important.  But bringing a toddler to church introduces its' own challenges.  People are always telling me how exhausting it is to haul their kids to church and how tough it is to keep them calm.  I'm with you, tired Moms and Dads...I'm in the trenches too.  It is exhausting some days.  But I really think it's worth it.  And I hope this post helps provide some tips.

P.S. If you're worried about your little one's noise at church, older folks are always telling me how much they love those baby and toddler sounds.  A church without them sounds a bit lonely.

where love comes from

This week's episode of House was entitled "The Confession."  In it, a man named Bob Harris is given a community service award but within hours engages in adultery and collapses in medical distress while with his mistress.  His wife and community are unaware of his dalliance, but he becomes guilt-stricken.  As the episode progresses, it appears that Bob needs a liver transplant from a living donor (a risky surgery at best).  Because he is well-loved in the community, scores of people show up to get tested and see if they are a donor match.  But Bob is filled with shame and decides he must confess to them his misdeeds before they donate an organ to him.  He feels it is not fair to ask this sacrifice of them unless they know the true nature of the scoundrel to whom they are donating.

So, he publicly confesses not only his affair, but also other misdeeds.  Cheating people.  Stealing.  Gambling.  All but two people walk away, disgusted.  And the two who remain are not matches. 

There's more to the episode, of course, but this episode called to mind the question that is hidden deep down at the bottom of our psyche: "If someone really knew me, inside and out, including all of my sins and my ugly thoughts and everything about me that I am ashamed of, would they truly love me?"  And beyond that, there is the niggling question, "If they don't know all of these things about me, can their love be genuine?"

In reality, it would be impossible to show someone every ugly thing about us that lies deep within.  Absolute confession and honesty are impossible, because they can also be relationship-destroying and personality-destroying.  Although we try to be as authentic and honest as possible, at the end of the day we cannot fully know another person's soul.  We can get only so close, only so intimate.  There is a part of us always hidden from the world's view and such is the alienation of being a sinful being.

But in answer to that first question, if it is possible to be fully known and still fully loved, the answer is yes.  There is One Being who knows us completely and loves us entirely. 

I remember the first time I realized that I Corinthians 13 is not first and foremost a description of the state of absolute love into which we are to work ourselves as human beings.  No, it is first and foremost that state of being in which God exists.  Have you ever read this chapter and replaced the word "love" with the word "Jesus"?  It's transformative.  You will never look at this chapter the same again.  Rather than being a litany of my failings, I Corinthians 13 becomes a powerful poem of how this Jesus loves me.  "We love because He first loved us."

How quickly I forget this truth.  I search the Scriptures, I search my mind for the answers of how to whip myself up into a state of absolute love.  As a sinful being, I cannot do this.  I fall down in shame, realizing how loveless I am.  I despair.  And then God's love hits me between the eyes.  "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

It hit me between the eyes this morning.  I was despairing over my so often loveless state today.  I wanted to read my Bible to find some answers, some moral motivation.  And as she is wont to do, my daughter called out to me from her bedroom.  I sighed and gathered up my Bible, hoping to read at least a few verses in her room while she lazily prepared to get up for the day. 

Burrito noticed my face, that it was sad.  "Don't be sad," she said.  "I'm sad when I think of all my sin,"I replied.  In a momentary step away from good theology (but give her a pass; she is three, after all), she told me, "Sin is not bad" (this being an attempt to explain away the problem and make me feel better).  I told her, "Sin is bad because it's those bad things in our hearts that turn us away from God, remember?" 

She replied, "Jesus died on the cross and He loves ya!"  

Oh those simple words.  I teared up.  It sounds silly to say, but I felt absolved, forgiven.  I felt God speaking to me through this little child.  I felt changed by this love.  My heart, in the words of Wesley, was strangely warmed.

In the end, all of the theologizing and moral attempts to be better fall flat before this most simple of Gospel preachings: "Jesus died on the cross and He loves ya!"  Jesus knows all of my failings.  He knows me inside and out.  There is no other person who has ever known my every thought, my every feeling, my every sin.  And there is no other person who has loved me enough to die for me.

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

I still need the Gospel.  I need it every day.  I need the simple Gospel, spoken through a child.

the best fix i know for tantrums

Burrito has been having more tantrums now that she is getting older.  And initially, I will admit, the sight of my child throwing herself down on the floor in rage intimidated me.  What would I do to tame this tiny hurricane of emotion?  Then I started to learn some things.

(Caveat: If I am tired or not feeling well, I go straight into reactionary mode and sometimes throw all of the suggestions I am going to give you out the window!  I'm human too!) 

First of all, I am learning that her tantrums are just her way to express her emotions.  Feeling angry is not bad; it's just what you do with it.  After all, being a child is difficult.  When I get frustrated with her, I try to empathize with how little control she has over her life.  I try to stoop down and look at the world through her perspective.  She feels frustrated and she doesn't know what to do with that emotion.  She is also self-differentiating from me (as Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend points out).  It's my job to teach her more resources to use to express her emotions (but this is better done when she is not throwing a fit...can YOU really listen to constructive advice when you're really, really upset?). 

The one training technique I DO use when she is throwing a fit is essentially to acknowledge the emotion and stay calm, but let her know that I'll engage with her again when she's done throwing a fit.  The fit is not going to get her anything, including attention.  I empathize with her feelings and I respect her need to express them, but I don't accept that that is a valid way to interact with Mom.  Also, I've found that if I try to reason with her or desperately try to get her to STOP THROWING A FIT, it will only prolong the fit, because she is getting attention and power out of it. 

You will not believe how well this works!  She stamps her feet, screams and throws herself on the floor.  I say to her, "Are you gonna throw a fit now?  Ok, let me know when you're done!"  Then I stay completely calm and ignore her.  Inevitably, the fit is very, very short and she says, "Ok, I'm done.":-)  It amazes me every time!  She doesn't feel controlled. She doesn't get undue control out of the tantrum.  Her emotions are respected but I am expecting respect for myself too.  She calms down!  It's AMAZING!

In calmer moments, I compliment her for positive expressing of emotion.  Like when I tell her "no" she can't have candy and she says a quiet, "Awww!" instead of launching into a fit.  I tell her that I appreciated she didn't throw a fit and she just expressed her emotions.  (I think it's very important for her to know and understand her emotions, by the way.  This will help her a great deal later in life.  She just needs to learn to express them appropriately, in a way that is respectful to other people.)  I also discuss with her what went wrong when she has a really bad response (like pulling hair, hurting Mom or Dad, throwing something, etc.).  I explain why this is hurtful and unkind and remind her that she wouldn't like this done to her. 

I hope these tips are helpful to you.  You may have to try a few times if you've been interacting with your child's tantrums for a while.  But I bet with some practice you can get some great results with your child as well!

Now, if I could just find as good a fix for whining!

hey! crafting is fun! (when my goals are clear)

One of our first (and favorite) crafts: Fruit of the Spirit apple garland.

Every time we hit a new kid stage, the whole family has to adjust.  Ever since Burrito hit the "real deal" toddler stage a few months ago, I've been struggling a bit.  Struggling with her unpredictability.  Struggling with less free time some days.  Struggling with what on earth to do to keep her entertained and engaged.  Struggling even to find ways to teach her and help her grow in faith.  Not too long ago, I was talking with our youth director who said that there was a time with her daughters when she always did a craft in the morning after breakfast, as a routine.  I think that piece of advice stuck with me, even though I didn't do anything about it right away.

I learned to make these cute bracelets at MOPS.

Then I had a heart-to-heart with my Mom, who did a fantastic job of passing on the faith to my brother and I.  I told her I was struggling with how to teach my daughter about faith, given that she won't sit still!  Mom reminded me that she used actions to teach us Bible verses.  She encouraged me to use Burrito's interests and strengths to teach her.  So, I went back into the most important jobs I have (mother and faith teacher) with renewed motivation. 

I decided to start with the most important Bible verse of all: John 3:16.  I made up actions and acted super enthusiastic as I said it.  Before I knew it, she was joining me and now she has almost the whole thing memorized (including the reference!).  Today, we started on Romans 10:13. 

Pumpkin seed pumpkin.  We rinsed the pumpkin seeds and dyed them by shaking them with paint in 3 Ziploc bags.

I also decided that to connect with my daughter, who when it comes to the 5 love languages is a Quality Time and Gifts kid, that I should really be doing more crafts with her.  She responds very well to crafts and the time we spend together making something is time away from the TV and time in which she feels especially loved.  So we have started doing a craft almost every day.  I especially like using crafts that incorporate some Bible teaching, but I can't always find them, so as long as it is something constructive, I do what I can find.

Fall wreath (Sprout TV idea).

I even went to the craft store a couple weeks ago and picked up a bunch of crafting supplies: felt, paper stock in pretty colors, construction paper, pipe cleaners, popsicle sticks, buttons, a hole punch, jewelry wire, etc.  I was surprised how many supplies I was able to get for a low price.  In the meantime, I had been scouring crafty mommy blogs (such as this one) to find good craft ideas for Burrito and I to do.  A good craft needed to be age appropriate, not too expensive, and something that would take about a half hour to work on.  I started listing links to good crafts in a Word document.

And then I discovered Pinterest (follow my boards here).  It took me a day or two to get up to speed with it and then I was off and flying.  I was so excited to find a visual scrapbook where I could "pin" my ideas, recipes, etc.  Also, I could see my friends' ideas.  It was a great way to find good craft ideas.

For years I've described myself as the least crafty person ever.  And it's true that I'm not artistic and I've struggled with working with a sewing machine in the past.  I'm not the greatest spacial thinker.  I'm a conceptual thinker.  Big ideas are my purview.  Big abstract ideas.  But, for Burrito, I was going to try.  And I was finding a surprising number of very approachable crafts.  After all, if a toddler can do it, surely I can too!

Painted mini-pumpkin.

So, I really began to get into it.  And I started remembering myself as a child.  Weaving potholders on those little looms.  Cross-stitching complicated scenes for Christmas presents.  Doing calligraphy.  I even remember receiving a child's sewing machine that delighted me.  I may have my deficits with certain types of crafts.  I may prefer to express my creativity through writing.  But it's kinda fun to do a little craft.  Not only that, but I am finding myself connecting with Burrito.  We both look forward to doing a craft together.  Some work better than others (apple card lacing was not so popular--but she still said doing a craft that day was the best part of her day!).  But we always have good quality time together.  We gain confidence as we successfully complete simple projects.  We put our own spin on ideas. 

Watercolor painting that Burrito titled "Spider."

I'm also finding that I'm thinking of more ways to re-use things that I might other-wise throw away.  Toilet paper rolls.  Random scraps of cardboard.  The big box the diapers come in.  That has to be positive, right?  Less buying and more using (at least in theory!). 

I may not be the most crafty person ever.  I don't quilt.  I don't sew (other than a little slip stitch).  I can't draw.  But I can do simple crafts with my toddler.  Sometimes I can even use them to teach her about God!

if only magic would work!

Today, I went to buy some new clothes.  And as I tried them on in the fitting room, I came to see through the multi-mirror view that I now have shall we say "cute baby chubs" despite my not being the aforementioned cute baby.  Since I have always been a very slim girl with a high metabolism who could eat almost anything I wanted (yes, I know...hate me!), it came as a bit of a shock.  I have been eating a lot of butter lately and not exercising much, so I guess it shouldn't be much of a surprise, but I've not had much trouble in the past with the same scenario.  I guess you can blame the famous slowed-down metabolism of aging!  I came out and asked my husband why he didn't tell me that I had these not so adorable rolls.  He claimed not to have noticed (bless the man!).  I was discussing this with him while Burrito was eating dinner tonight and upon finding out that I was upset that I had these "chubs" going on, she promptly got out her pretend wand a la Fairy Godmother, shook it over me, and said, "Bibbidi Bobbodi Boo!"  If only....If only...:-)

self-care for moms

I think that one of the toughest challenges for us as Moms is make sure that we give ourselves good care.  We tend to put ourselves last on the list and then after we neglect ourselves over and over again, we eventually get to the point where we get so resentful of not having our needs met that we explode!  Well, at least that's how it works for me sometimes. 

There are some ways in which I'm great at self-care and some ways in which I seriously stink.  Have you ever heard the HALT acronym?  It tells us to never let ourselves get too "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired."  Trouble will result when we allow that to happen.  I routinely let myself get in these states, however.  One of my biggest offenses is letting myself get too hungry.  This was particularly true when Burrito was a baby.  It seemed that I never got enough to eat or drink and I would get ravenously hungry and then I would start getting angry.  Sigh.  I'm trying to learn to remember to eat enough.  Unfortunately, now that I'm remembering and Burrito isn't nursing anymore, I find I am gaining a little bit of weight.  Not an insane amount, but still.  Now, I must remember not just to eat, but to eat more vegetables and fruit!

Here are the top 5 self-care practices that I find important to making sure my "cup" is filled.  Unless I am filled up, I find I don't have a lot to give out.

After you read my list, please share your list!  What are your top 5 self-care practices?

1. Reading the Bible.  My husband and I generally read the Bible at night together before going to bed.  We tend to read through whole books.  Right now, we are in the Gospel of Luke.  We read a small portion, discuss it and say our prayers.  I'm searching for a better way to do a personal time of Bible reading, however.  After all, we are pretty tired when we read the Word at night.  Still, I'm glad that we do.  I find it even more helpful to attend a regular Bible study in town.  I gather with some other moms who are in the same stage of life and there is free child care.  I get a lot out of this undistracted time of studying God's Word.

2. Sleep.  I think I've written before about my battles with insomnia.  Until I went through this trial a couple of years ago, I don't think I realized how precious sleep is.  I know I definitely appreciated it much more now.  I usually get around 8 hours of sleep at night.  And it feels good!

3. Community.  I find that I get a little weird when I'm not in community.  I need people around me, friends to talk with, to joke with, to share my heart with.  If I don't have people with whom I regularly share my life, people in the flesh, then I start getting really in-drawn and depressed.  But I feel most whole when I have people to talk to.

4. Eating.  Like, whole grains, protein, veggies and fruit.  It's so easy to forget to eat this stuff but it's amazing how some apples dipped in peanut butter or a piece of cheese will pick me up.  If I'm getting grouchy, I need to remind myself to eat something healthy. 

5. Doing things I love.  That means, reading for fun!  I have a huge list of books I hope to check out from the library all the time.  I love to read...especially dramatic plots and books that open my world up to understand things differently.  I love how reading makes me a better writer.  And so writing is also a very important part of self-care for me.  Writing is like my third arm.  It's been a part of me since I was a little girl and I am not whole without it.  And in the category of things I love is also the enjoyment of good movies and TV shows.  There's something very relaxing for me as an introvert in curling up on the couch and enjoying a favorite show.  It's great to have that down time when nothing is required of me. 

So, those are my 5.  What are yours?

your mommy "sweet spot"

There are many times as a mother when I feel that I am not good enough.  For example, I stand in awe of "crafty moms."  They know how to do things with beads and buttons and glue guns that I can't even envision.  Granted, having Burrito has made me a little more open to crafty things.  We color and paint and I haven't really done that since I was a kid.  But sometimes I look at other moms who can really come up with all kinds of creative, adorable projects and sew their kids' clothes and I just feel, well, inadequate. 

But I'm coming to realize that there are strengths I have that other moms don't.  For example, a lot of moms don't like to cook.  They don't feel confident in it and haven't had their moms teach them to do it.  They may be great at teaching their kid to horseback ride or dance, however.  They may be fantastic at coming up with kid games.  They just have other strengths.

Well, for me, cooking is one of my very favorite things to do with Burrito.  She's getting to the stage where she loves to stand on a chair next to me while I cook and either help me or ask about every step of the process.  I suppose this might annoy some moms.  And the constant questions annoy me in other tasks.  But not with cooking.  I feel pretty confident with cooking.  Most of the time, I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.  And I think I'm pretty good at teaching cooking too.  Burrito knows by now that we spoon out the flour and smooth it over with a knife.  She knows why we put bay leaves in the flour container  (to keep the weevils out!).  She has been taught why we put the pie crust in the fridge before rolling it out.  She knows that yeast and time make bread rise.  It's so much fun for me to teach her, too.  I love her eager, open mind and her enthusiasm for cooking.  I like to think that she gains some of that enthusiasm from my delight in cooking.  It brings me joy to share one of my favorite activities with her and to know that she is gaining a life skill that will serve her well down the road.

My second sweet spot as a mom is in taking Burrito to the library.  She has already caught Mommy's attitude toward this most wonderful place on earth and always comes home with lots of books.  No matter how many books either of us have, we always want more.  She often spends lots of time in her room, before sleeping or when she wakes up, sitting and paging through books quietly.  I love her enthusiasm for books.  And she's already recognizing most of her letters (thank you, Super Why!) and even an occasional word.  I love her love of words, stories and beautiful pictures.

My third sweet spot as a mom is taking Burrito to interesting cultural and artistic experiences.  In our town, we have an art museum and every time there is a new exhibit, we stop by to look at it.  Some of them interest her more than others, but sometimes she requests to stop by, rather than just me suggesting it.  I think she is getting something out of it and I love the opportunity to expose her to the arts and beautiful things.  We also have great theater in our area, including Children's Theater.  I love taking her to see plays (which she, amazingly, mostly sits still for).  And then there are fun experiences like food festivals, farmer's markets, museums, and live music.  And soon, I hope to take her to her first ballet.  I love being able to share a rich cultural experience with my daughter and I love seeing her enthusiasm for the arts.  It's beautiful seeing it through her eyes and we almost always make a great memory together.

No, I can't do great arts and crafts.  I can't sew.  I'm not the best home decorator.  But I'm pretty darn good at cooking with my kid, reading with her, and exposing her to great cultural experiences.  I'm learning that every mom has strengths and weaknesses.  Every kid will miss out on some stuff.  Every kid will have some special experiences.  And kids catch your enthusiasm for what you love. 

So, I'm curious...what is your mommy "sweet spot"?  Please share! 

computer Sabbath

A couple of weeks ago, I was totally ready to lose it.  The stress was piling up so high.  It seemed like I had constant commitments and projects: some for church, some of my own goals, some for husband and Burrito, some for others, some for writing projects.  And most of it centered around the computer.  Which makes sense, since my main skill set is writing.  But I just COULDN'T TURN IT OFF.

It wasn't that I disliked doing any of the projects I was committed to.  In fact, I loved every single one of them and every single one used my gifts and abilities.  I wasn't coloring outside the lines of how God designed me.  It was just that there was so much to do.  And I wasn't getting the down time that my introvert self needs in order to function well.

That this coincided with truly in-earnest toddler behaviors and some attempts at potty training did not make it any easier.  I felt upset at myself for over-commiting and doing the things I love to do.  Was I really being fair to my husband and daughter who need an unstressed, stable person at home?

And then I remembered something I have practiced during stressful times in the past.  When I was in North Dakota, I was getting a lot of stressful emails (and in this case, they were not related to happy situations in which I was using my gifts...they related to strife and judgment, and discussing strife and judgment with trusted friends).  And I was getting so stressed out by having to be "on" all the time that I began to adhere to a computer Sabbath.  This meant powering down the socially "on" button, saying no to workaholism and trusting that all the same problems and responsibilities would be there the next day.  I think I took my day off in North Dakota (Monday) as my computer Sabbath.  And it helped.  I was able to get as much of a mental break as I could muster in the situation, such as it was.

So as I began to feel pretty darn stressed out here in Montana, I decided to bring the computer Sabbath back.  I think that finding Sabbath is even harder for stay-at-home parents and other people who work at home than it is for those who work outside the home.  For most people who work outside the home, there is a clear end time of work and oftentimes even a whole weekend to enjoy.  I understand nobody's time schedule is perfect and we all have challenges getting in time to rest, recreate, and build relationships with our loved ones, but I think stay-at-home people and always-on call-people like pastors and doctors have a particularly difficult time.

We all need to learn how to use the "off" button for our work.  Work can be a wonderful and meaningful thing, particularly when it is work that we feel gifted for and called to do (as I do with my writing--for pay and for volunteer opportunities--and my work as a mother and support to my husband).  But even joyful work is a work from which we need rest.

There could be no more joyful work than God's artistic work of creating the whole world.  Think of the colors, the detail, the beauty.  And no one needed rest less than God Himself.  He is self-sufficient in Himself.  But He knew that we would need to rest.  And so on the seventh day, after six days of creation, God rested.  He did this so that we would learn to stop what we are doing and rest too.

To take a Sabbath means to trust in God enough that we take ourselves off of the throne.  Psalm 127:1-3 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.  In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-- for he grants sleep to those he loves" (NIV).

What does this mean?  This means that we trust that at the end of the day, we are not responsible for the fate of the world--or the fate of any part of the world.  God has told us to rest and so we do it, trusting in faith that if we do, what He truly wants us to get done will get done.  We stop idolizing ourselves and our efforts in the world and we worship God alone.

And, oh, what a huge sigh of relief when we do this!  We don't have to always be "on."  We can take a rest and recharge and it will be ok. 

For every person, we may take Sabbath a little differently.  It's not about legalism.  As Jesus once said, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" (Mark 2:27, NIV).  For me, because I find myself tied to the computer all the time (even for good reasons), because I sometimes focus on it too much, because I get overstressed if I don't take a break from all my projects, a meaningful step is to turn the computer off one day a week.  I do this on Sundays now.

And I'm not gonna kid you.  It's difficult.  Particularly for the first half of the day as I get used to the idea.  I am tempted over and over again to go turn the computer on and check something.  I almost feel like the computer is a third arm; that's how connected I am to it!  And I feel like I am missing an arm when I turn it off.  But that is precisely why I need a break from the computer.  I need to remember that God is on the throne, not me.  I need to nurture relationships with my husband and daughter (all too often, I turn away from them and to a screen).  I need to catch up on my enjoyable reading.  I need to breathe.

And it's amazing...really, amazing...how little I miss when I step away.  Until I do step away, I essentially believe that I will miss everything if I look away from my computer for a second.  And I suppose once and a while, I may miss something fun or important.  But most of the time, there isn't much going on that matters that much.  And even if I do miss something, it will still be there waiting for me the next day.

I can't tell you the relief and stress reduction I am feeling as I step away from my work for a short time to get the rest God counseled us to take.  God truly is wise. 

How do you find Sabbath in your day to day life?  I'd love to hear your experiences.

and she turns three...

Cinderella cake from Safeway.  Before her skirt melted.

I have been going on and on about the "terrible threes" in recent posts, but Burrito actually turned 3 only this weekend.  I had been looking forward to this day for a couple of months at least.  I could hardly wait to absolutely delight my daughter.  And she had been looking forward to her birthday for months too.  She was well-acquainted with the idea that birthdays mean presents and cake.  Every day, she asked, "It my birthday today???"  And every day, we had to say no.

And so, it was highly amusing when she woke up on her actual birthday and turned on the light in her room and got to playing, completely unaware that the longed-for day had actually arrived!  Christopher and I went in to see her and told her we had a song to sing to her.  We sang "Happy Birthday" and delight began to spread across her face as it began to dawn on her that it had at last arrived! 

She had pancakes for breakfast and got to open presents and got to do pretty much whatever she wanted (within reason).  She took a nap and in the evening, her friends began to arrive for her very first kid party.  I hadn't told her that they would probably bring presents because I didn't want her to have a case of the "gimmees" and I didn't want anyone to feel pressured to bring something.  So when each family showed up at the door with a gift bag in hand, she was so excited!  I had to smile.

Well, we had a few mishaps along the way.  We ran out of propane for the barbecue grill and Christopher made it to the hardware store just before it closed.  Whew, that was a close one.  And part of the frosting on Burrito's Cinderella cake melted as the kitchen got warm (but luckily, I don't think Burrito noticed).  And then there was the whole insult to my skills as a cake-maker that were overlooked in Burrito's preference for a sugary (tasteless?) store-bought cake.  But for once my foodie self yielded to my daughter.  A Cinderella cake she wants?  A Cinderella cake she shall have!

It was a wonderful evening.  Guests stayed in the backyard until the sun began to set.  Children decorated our patio with sidewalk chalk.  Children ran everywhere.  Children played in the new sandbox we gave Burrito.  Children blew bubbles.  Adults conversed happily.  The food spread was delicious (thanks to the birthday party ideas of Pioneer Woman, we served sliders and homemade mac and cheese with a topping bar of caramelized onions, Gorgonzola cheese and bacon...yum!). 

My heart was so full watching my daughter happily playing with her friends.  You see, growing up I had virtually no friends...or at least, virtually no "in person" friends.  Partly due to my shyness, partly due to a little over-protectiveness from my parents, and partly due to frequent moves that made it hard to put down roots, I was pretty lonely growing up, even if I didn't always acknowledge it to myself.  I love that my daughter has such wonderful social skills, such an ability to make new friends and interact with them whole-heartedly.  I love that she doesn't feel lonely most of the time.  After all, God made us for relationships, with Himself and others.

And my heart was full as I looked around at the group of parents who had gathered with us for this special day.  I was so very lonely in North Dakota, and now God has set this lonely one in a family of other believers with whom I can be myself, warts and all.  Each of the friends who gathered with us add something very special to my life.  I am a better person for knowing them all. 

My heart is full indeed...and my daughter is three...what joy...

things i love about the three's

After my "mommy frustrations" post the other day, I thought it would be worthwhile to remind myself all of the blessings of having a toddler.  I quickly forget the trauma of past stages and focus in on the negative.  But since I am trying to have more of an attitude of thanksgiving in my life, perhaps I should apply the thankfulness principle to my toddler.

So, what do I love about having a toddler?  Here are some thoughts:
--I laugh far more than I ever used to.  I have a daughter who thinks everything is "silly" and "funny."
--I can now have conversations with my daughter.  She has a great ability to understand conversation and a great verbal ability.
--I have been having more chances to teach her to cook.  She loves to stand on a chair and dump ingredients in and stir.  She even remembers the "why" of instructions many times.
--Her extroversion gets me out of my shell with other people.
--I get to see my daughter have the friends that I never had as a child.  I delight in seeing her ability to make friends easily.  I delight in her extroverted personality and the way she runs up to a friend and just naturally gives them a big hug.
--She remembers to pray for people that I might forget to pray for, like people who have stopped by the church in need.  She prays for the "people in trouble" and once when my husband shared with someone who he was helping a second time that my daughter had specifically been praying for him each night, the man about teared up.  She is already doing ministry!
--She has a very active imagination and loves to sing and dance and act.  I love her creative side.
--She will sometimes burst out with an unexpected kiss or an "I love you very, very much."  And she melts my heart when she does this.
--She often compliments my cooking!  "Mmmm!  This tastes really good!"  (As long as its not "spicy"!)
--She sometimes says something and then adds, "I was just joking!"
--She is able to help in small ways around the house--unloading the dishwasher, getting parts of her lunch out of the fridge, bits of vacuuming.  And she is usually willing to help out.
--She has a great sense of fun and brings out the playful side in my usually too-serious self.

So, yes, some of the toddler behaviors drive me nuts.  But there is much to rejoice in too.  And on my frustrated days, I need to remember that and to model my belief that bad behavior times are an opportunity to show unconditional love.

What do you love about the toddler years?

the terrible three's?

I posed a question to my Facebook friends today, asking them if I was the only one whose child hit three and suddenly caused their mother to feel she was losing her mind.  Well, much to my relief, I am not the only one! 

The big changes have been happening in the past few months.  I've been struggling to articulate what I am finding so difficult about the "terrible three's" but a bit of therapeutic discussion on Facebook helped me to flesh it out a bit.  It's not just one thing that is driving me nuts (as in the infant days, "none of us is getting enough sleep!").  It's the cumulative total of toddler-related things that is doing it. 

Here are the terrible three's behaviors I am struggling with:
--Burrito used to be sweet and compliant and able to be reasoned with.  Now, not so much.
--The whining!  Oh, the whining!
--Wanting constant motion and constant attention (or at least, it seems that way).
--Refusal to sit in one place--at meals, when I am trying to talk to her, during prayers.
--Refusal to focus for prayer time.  Really, they're simple prayers.  Is a little respect too much to ask?
--Squirrely behavior during church.  I want to hear the sermon but I don't want to let her disturb everyone else.
--Getting up earlier in the morning.  Eek!  I'm not a morning person!
--Being able to escape her bed and therefore being able to play when she should be sleeping.
--Thinking hitting, biting, pulling hair, etc. is funny.  I tell her often that hands are not for hitting.  Not that I can get her to stand still long enough to listen.
--Occasionally saying mean things (although it does seem like she is trying on words for size as opposed to really meaning them).

She used to have her opinions, yes, but was far more influenced by Mom and Dad.  I guess she is just discovering her own mind.  And I respect that she has her own opinions.  I respect her.  I just need a little reassurance that she won't always fight me on so many things (recently, when I call her "my precious daughter," she says she is not but that she is in fact Angelina Ballerina).  I need reassurance that she will develop empathy and the ability to focus when it comes to faith.  Don't get me wrong...she has some beautiful moments of empathy, faith, kindness and love.  She is a sweet girl and I love her dearly but the independent streak is about to make me pull my hair out. 

This post would fall under the category, "Not Supermom!"  I would love to hear your strategies for dealing with toddler behaviors such as these.  And I'd love to hear about your strategies for dealing with the tiredness brought about by parenting such a rambunctious, independent girl.

teaching realistic expectations: Dora vs. Fancy Nancy

I have a pet peeve with Dora the Explorer and it's not just her perpetually perky, high-pitched voice (although these qualities of said voice should be noted). There's nothing evil about Dora; it's one of Burrito's favorite shows and we'll continue to let her watch it, reservations aside.  But I worry sometimes that she is not getting an understanding of how to react to real life from watching Dora.

I can hear you saying, "Realistic?  Come on!  It's a cartoon!"  But one good thing about cartoons these days (as opposed to when I was growing up) is that most of them are no longer pure entertainment.  Most of them now have an objective to teach.  For Dora, the teaching is partially in the learning of Spanish.  It also teaches following a simple progression of directions ("Bridge...mountain...island!").  And there are the always good admonitions against swiping ("Swiper, no swiping!").

But Dora doesn't do a great job of preparing kids to handle normal preschooler problems and respond to them in a helpful way.  Does your toddler's world normally work this way?: Follow a simple formula, stop and congratulate themselves along the way, reach desired destination and congratulate themselves again? And do things work out the same way every time? 

I'm not talking about solving world peace here; I'm just concerned that Dora creates an idea in preschooler's minds that everything will always work out perfectly as we want it to and then we will congratulate ourselves on how "we did it!"  (And of course, there's nothing wrong with a healthy self-esteem and feeling good about accomplishing something and overcoming an obstacle.  But what about a story that would throw a normal obstacle or real life challenge into the path of a toddler?  A story that would teach them coping skills for these kind of obstacles?)

Well, never fear!  Such a series of stories exist!  I would recommend for the teaching of dealing with real life frustrations the Fancy Nancy series of books by Jane O'Connor.  This is probably a more helpful series of books for toddler girls, as they do tend to be rather "girly," but I think Fancy Nancy does a great job of throwing some real world obstacles and frustrations into Nancy's path, as well as entertaining and teaching some vocabulary in a fun way along the way. Through the everyday challenges Nancy faces, she regularly learns that life will not always give you exactly what you want, but that you can learn to adjust and still enjoy life.

For example, in Fancy Nancy at the Museum (I Can Read Book 1), Nancy embarks on a big exciting field trip to an art museum.  Nancy dresses up in an extra special outfit, but is heartbroken when she gets roadsick and throws up on her pretty shirt.  Her teacher takes the matter in hand, however, and lends her her art smock to wear over her messy shirt.  Nancy discovers that it's pretty cool to wear a smock like this to an art museum.  She learns to adjust her expectations to reality and enjoy what she has.

In Fancy Nancy: Splendiferous Christmas, Nancy is super excited about decorating her Christmas tree with a gorgeous (and gawdy!) tree topper that she saved up for earlier in the year.  But when the tree is jostled and her treasure falls to the floor and shatters, she bursts into tears!  How could this happen?  Is Christmas spoiled?  Her grandpa arrives just in time to comfort her with a big hug and come up with a solution.  Using simple craft supplies, they put together a sparkly tree topper that they plan to make an heirloom for the future.  They talk about the story they will have to share with future generations.  The love of family and the power of creativity save the day.  Rather than a simple progression of doing everything right and having everything work out perfectly, again Nancy learns to adjust and make the best of reality.  And she is lovingly comforted too.  Yay, Jane O'Connor!

In Fancy Nancy Sees Stars (I Can Read Book 1), Nancy has her usual enthusiasm for her latest adventure: a trip to the planetarium to see a night sky show.  But a rain storm and traffic jam cause her and her friend, Robert, to miss the whole show.  She is very disappointed, but when the family returns home, the clouds have cleared and she decides they should have their own night sky show in their back yard.  Again, she adapts.

In Fancy Nancy: Poison Ivy Expert (I Can Read Book 1), Nancy doesn't pay enough attention (as her Mom told her to) and gets poison ivy.  She is unglamorously red, itchy and completely miserable.  She makes it through a rough night, uses a home remedy given by a neighbor and feels better soon.

Yes, Nancy has misunderstandings, gets poison ivy, throws up, and breaks things.  Life isn't perfect for Nancy.  She doesn't lose her "fanciful" joy (hooray!).  No, she keeps her imagination, but learns to adapt when life doesn't quite live up to her expectations.

I'm probably not being fair in picking on Dora alone for her promotion of an unrealistic picture of the world.  Princess stories are no better.  "They lived happily ever after???"  That doesn't happen anywhere but heaven!  Too many girls have read princess stories and been unprepared for the realities of marriage.  Realities that are not glamorous or exciting, like the stomach flu, exhaustion from being up all night with a baby with colic, moving past infatuation to a deepened love, money struggles, and on and on.  Love can be great forever, but the story doesn't end at the wedding.  It's just beginning, with all the ups and downs of real life.

Life happens.  It disappoints us.  Things don't turn out the way we planned.  We can't always have our way.  What stories are we telling our children?  Are we preparing them for a life of frustration when life doesn't live up to their expectations?  Or are we preparing them for life as it really is: messy, awful, wonderful, disappointing, glorious?  Are we preparing them to live with life as it really is?

Dora might teach how to speak Spanish and how to follow a map, but I don't think she helps much with this skill.  I'm glad there are stories out there like Fancy Nancy that do.

toddler anthem: everything comes down to poo!

For the last week or so, this song has been stuck in my head.  A coping strategy?  Perhaps.  We are making another push for potty training.  And suddenly it seems as if my life is consumed with poo.  Attempting to make it land in the potty.  Cleaning up messes when it doesn't happen.  Assessing its basic qualities.  Oh, if only I had known how much of parenting involves poo!  I had no idea.  If you're a parent, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  If you're not, consider yourself warned...