Book Review Friday: French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon

If you are an American family, chances are you have picked up some bad food habits along the way of daily life.  Let's face it...our culture is not geared towards good, healthy, balanced food habits and if you are trying to do it right, you're facing an uphill battle.  It's easy to forget about some simple basic rules.  In our family, we struggle with eating enough of our meals at the table (although I will say, we almost always eat dinner at the table together as a family).  We have all three developed some truly terrible table manners over time.  Our table is often piled with papers and clutter which we push out of the way to eat.  And we gobble up our meals way too fast.  We forget to stop and truly savor our food.  Finally, some of the shorter members of our family (who shall remain nameless...cough, Burrito) are a bit picky in their food choices.

When I saw French Kids Eat Everything: How Our Family Moved to France, Cured Picky Eating, Banned Snacking, and Discovered 10 Simple Rules for Raising Happy, Healthy Eaters by Karen Le Billon on the "Grab and Go" shelf at my local library, I was intrigued.  I've long been interested in the eating habits of the French.  They manage to eat a balanced diet without all the guilt and self-hated that food causes in the United States.  They eat real food, delicious food.  They eat butter!  They eat chocolate!  And a lot of other weird stuff, to be honest.  But they love food and they stay healthy.  We could use a bit of that in America, eh?

The rules (principles) are enumerated on the back of the book and unpacked throughout the chapters.  Le Billon's husband is French and she is Canadian.  After they decide to take a year to move to France, Le Billon shares her family's journey toward better eating habits.  She is alternatively irritated with the rigid ways (and superior attitude) of the French and intrigued by how they do really seem to know what they are talking about when it comes to food.  Along the way, she gently nudges American and Canadian parents toward good habits.  She isn't rigid or judgmental herself...just honest about her family's journey and ultimately very compelling in convincing the reader to take on some new food habits.  Her chatty but informative style makes the reading very approachable.

Several of the rules were particularly helpful for me.  For example: "Kids eat what adults eat."  How many of us as parents have become "short order cooks"?  Junior is picky and would never eat that, so we make something different for Junior (Kraft Mac and Cheese, anyone?).  When Le Billon moved to France, she was amazed at the complex foods that were served to the children for school lunches.  Endives and pate and fine cheeses and fish and beets.  Would your kids eat that stuff?  But when kids are not given another option, it's amazing what they can come to enjoy!  French parents don't make a big deal out of it if a child refuses a meal.  They simply remove the dish and don't offer any substitutes.  Pretty soon the kid gets hungry enough to start eating.  Of course, it helps that it is like this everywhere in French culture.  At school and home and friends' homes.  Kids aren't babied, so they learn to enjoy all kinds of food.  The culture itself is helping parents meet their goals.  Admittedly, it is much harder to do this in America.  But we can still stop making it easy for kids to be picky eaters.  We may not have control over every place our kids go, but we do have control over our own home.

Another rule that was very helpful to me was the "no snacking" rule.  French adults rarely snack but children may have a snack at 4 PM and then usually a later dinner.  This is the only snack of the day, however.  Like you, I always travel with a snack in my purse.  We get in the car and my daughter starts immediately whining that she is hungry, even if she has just eaten!  But can all this grazing and snacking really be creating good food habits for the future?  And as Le Billon points out, a child who snacks on crackers and cookies and less healthy food all day won't be as hungry for the main meals of the day in which more healthy food is served.  So she recommends cutting the snack down to just one a day.  And she also recommends that the snack be something really appetizing and delicious to the kids, but healthy as well.  As I contemplated this rule, I realized that I was doing things like providing my daughter a snack during church services (supposedly to keep her quiet) even though fellowship hour immediately followed the service...with a huge snack available.  So, I cut out the church time snack and so far things are going fine!  (I realized after reading this book that a friend of mine from Europe never provides her daughter a snack or even toys for church.  She is just expected to sit and behave.  Wow!  And she does!)

One of the most key rules was that "Eating is joyful."  How often do we forget this in America, with our calorie counting and our guilt over one piece of chocolate cake?  How often do we stuff massive amounts of food down, without even tasting or savoring or enjoying it?  I love the balance found in this rule.  After all, food is a tremendous gift of God.  He didn't have to make it so flavorful and varied and colorful and amazing.  It could have all tasted like porridge.  But He gave us tremendous beauty and variety.  When God gives a gift, it behooves us to sit down and appreciate it.  The French may not (mostly) be doing this for a religious reason, but those of us who are Christians can.  We can savor food, enjoy variety, enjoy real foods (not just manufactured ones) and give thanks to the Creator of all!  This is what is missing in most of the diet plans out there: the joy of food.  When you enjoy food and give thanks to God for it instead of fear it, it changes your perspective.  You don't have to eat as much because you are taking the time to savor it.  And you don't have to be afraid of food either.  Or make an idol of it.

I have been making an effort to help create a mood at our table for dinner too.  The French get out the tablecloth and the whole works.  I'm not sure I can manage that just yet, but I do try to clear the table thoroughly (as often as I can!), to remove any plastic cups and use glass (classing it up a bit!), and to create a space for us all to enjoy and look forward to our meals.  I'm working on this.  One day, I even fixed a lovely lunch for my husband at the table (instead of us scarfing down lunch when we get a chance on the couch or in the easy chair).  We had a wonderful conversation together and both felt re-energized for the rest of the day.  My daughter and I have stopped turning on cartoons for lunch and have been sitting at the table and eating together.  This has really improved our attitudes toward each other and given us some wonderful conversations.

Ultimately, Le Billon and her husband decide that the French way of life is too rigid and even judgmental for them to continue living there indefinitely.  I appreciated the honesty about this.  It is all too easy for outsiders to glamorize a culture and pretend it has no flaws.  Le Billon takes from the French culture what she can, applauds it, learns from it, but also adapts it to her own family's needs.  I learned a lot from reading her book and was inspired to eat healthier and enjoy family and food more.  It was just the shot in the arm that I needed.  I think that every parent would benefit from reading this book (as would those who are not parents but are looking for a more balanced approach to food in their own lives).  Le Billon closes her book with a few recipes she has made for her kids--simple but also challenging foods.

4.5 stars.  Highly recommended.

Book Review Friday: Quiet--The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

I feel like I've been on a crusade for years to educate people about introverts (otherwise known as "my people!").  As Susan Cain points out in her excellent book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, it's an extrovert's world out there in America--even though introverts make up 33-50 % of it (depending on which study you follow).  Cain writes, "We live with a value system that I call the Extrovert Ideal--the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight."  Speaking from experience, I can say that it's tough to be an introvert in the loud, boisterous world of the United States and I constantly have to explain to people what the word really means.

A lot of people still believe that introverts are "people haters."  Nothing could be further from the truth!  Cain writes, "Probably the most common--and damaging--misunderstanding about personality type is that introverts are antisocial and extroverts are pro-social.  But...neither formulation is correct; introverts and extroverts are differently social."  With their capacity to bring focus and depth to relationships, introverts make great friends.  They might be slow to warm up at first, but once they commit, they commit!  At work, they might not have the loudest voice, but they are usually the most prepared people in the room and have carefully thought out their ideas from multiple angles.  But it's easy to dismiss introverts, because they are quiet and slow to draw attention to themselves.  There are times when loud and gregarious is what is needed in a situation.  But we already know that.  Extroverts are already revered in our culture.  It's high time to recognize there is also a time for "quiet strength" (also the title of a biography about Rosa Parks).  And that's just what Susan Cain's book does.

Cain traces the origins of the Extrovert Ideal in America and fascinatingly contrasts it with Asian countries and cultures which have more of an Introvert Ideal.  It's fascinating to think about how cultural standards figure in such matters as politics, particularly as we look ahead to our Presidential election in November.  From observation, it seems to me that both President Obama and Governor Romney exhibit some pretty classic introvert traits.  Is this a weakness?  Or could it, in certain ways, be a strength?  Cain makes the observation that "people followed Moses because his words were thoughtful, not because he spoke them well."

As a side note, Cain briefly references the problem of choosing pastors based on extroversion and charisma alone.  She writes, "evangelical churches often make extroversion a prerequisite for leadership, sometimes explicitly."  As a young pastor, I often felt pressure to change my basic personality and become more extroverted.  I could play at extroversion for a short time, but it left me exhausted long-term.  I wanted to spend hours in my office thinking through mission plans and curriculum and studying for sermons.  Trying to do youth work in the traditional way was exhausting.  I had never enjoyed or been good at the "rah-rah-rah!" youth activities when I was a youth!  What would magically make me good at these things now?  I did have a lot of interest in doing a youth ministry that was focused on discipleship and depth, so when I got the chance to revamp the confirmation program and introduce some really substantive material, I got super excited.  The structure of the program came me a great outlet to teach and get to know the kids in my class.  But water slides and sports games?  Those were tough to even contemplate.  In other areas of ministry, I found it hard to visit people and console them if I didn't know them well.  My words felt so generic and lifeless without a personal relationship with people in difficult circumstances.  And how could I know what would best comfort them unless I knew them?  But knowing people (really knowing them) takes time.  It doesn't happen overnight.  There are some great ways for introverts to lead in a church setting but it depends on a big part of the congregation understanding the differences in how God gifts each member of His body.

Cain wisely writes, "Bill Gates is never going to be Bill Clinton, no matter how he polishes his social skills, and Bill Clinton can never be Bill Gates, no matter how much time he spends alone with a computer.  We might call this the 'rubber band theory' of personality.  We are like rubber bands at rest.  We are elastic and can stretch ourselves, but only so much."  If I interview for a ministry position again, I think it would behoove me to explain my personality type and the "rubber band theory" to a call committee.  Cain writes that we can stretch ourselves far outside our comfort zone in a job successfully if we are doing it for deeply help values or goals.  However, if we do that much stretching, we must build in regular "restorative niches" so that we don't burn out.  These niches are quiet time apart from the demands of job and the stretching of our personalities.  These times must be guarded and protected.

The light bulb moment for me in reading Susan Cain's book is that introversion is not just where we get our energy (from lots of interaction with people or from time alone), but why we get our energy that way.  Extroverts have a high need for lots of stimulation.  They like being in noisier, busier environments.  They are the life of the party and need to be where the party is happening.  They like risks, too.  Having too little stimulation will de-energize them.  Introverts, on the other hand, need far less stimulation.  Not no stimulation; just less.  This means that introverts do indeed get lonely.  They need friends and socializing too.  They enjoy people.  They just need less of this stimulation than extroverts do.  And keep in mind, the stimulation is not only about people.  Busy, loud environments are great to extroverts.  Introverts quickly begin to feel overwhelmed in such places.  That's why open office plans can be so de-energizing for introverts, while extroverts might thrive on them.

As I was reading this book, I took a trip with my husband and Burrito to a busy family fun center, full of loud flashing video game machines, bouncy houses, laser tag, bright colors, and blaring sounds.  I sat down and watched my extroverted family members eating it up while I noticed my own reactions: overwhelmed, exhausted, overstimulated.  I felt like I needed a nap after our visit.  Had we gone instead to a playground where they might be plenty of children but perhaps another mom to chat with and focus on and lovely nature sounds, I think I would have enjoyed myself far more.  I stayed because I love my family and want them to have fun.  But it wasn't so very fun for me.

Within the same month, I went to a local church that has had great success attracting young families and young people, a church whose excellent teaching I have enjoyed on the radio.  Fresh from reading Quiet, however, I noticed that despite this church's excellent track record and focus on the Gospel, there were a few things that might be off-putting about the church to a more introverted group.  The music was so loud, it literally made my stomach hurt.  The loudness and over-stimulation were overwhelming and made it much harder for me to focus on the excellent Bible teaching that was being presented.  Could this be something for mega-churches to consider?  While they offer a chance for an introvert to "get lost in the crowd" and just focus in, sometimes the over-stimulation can get in the way of the message.  Could there perhaps be a middle ground where the extroverts feel sufficiently stimulated by the environment to stay focused while the introverts are not too overwhelmed?  Food for thought.

Overall, I found this book immensely helpful and informative in understanding my personality better and in being better able to explain it to others.  I found insights for how to use my personality in relationship with my extroverted family members and friends and to better understand where they are coming from.  There were insights for the workplace, for church, for marriage, for parenting, and for friendships.  Both extroverts and introverts would benefit from this book.

I have two areas of critique.  The first is that for those who interpret the Bible literally (as I do), the references to evolution in the development of the different personality types might be a bit annoying.  My advice: just ignore that part and take from the book what you can.  The second critique is that at times the book becomes bogged down in detailed and sometimes confusing research.  Don't give up on it, though.  There is a lot of good information here even in the midst of all the data.

4 stars out of 5.  Recommended.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Crown Publishers.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

the blessings of Christian friends

I really believe that when the Church acts as God calls it to, fellow Christians become to us like family.  I have experienced this over and over again here in Montana, in our local church and in my community of fellow mothers.  The Christians I know here free me to be myself, to be vulnerable and authentic.  They really care.  And they show it by word and deed.  It's so easy to start getting cynical about the Church of Christ.  Yes, it is full of sinners.  But it is also full of caring people who are the hands and feet of Jesus in the world.  I am so grateful to God for the way He shows His love and care through the family of believers.

I've been struggling a lot through this pregnancy.  One of my primary struggles has been with my limited ability to participate in service.  I see so many needs all around me and I long to be able to do more to serve.  But I also know I am not very dependable right now.  I keep having health issues that slow me down and take my attention.  And when I push myself too hard, I regret it later.  More of this pregnancy has been spent resting in bed than in my previous one and I get so frustrated with the exhaustion and health hang-ups.  Yesterday, I was sitting in the fellowship hall at church with some ladies of all ages and they asked me how I was and listened and then gave me some gentle lectures that it is right to take care of myself.  They told me this is only a limited time in my life and I will have months and years to return to service and doing.  They said, "How can we help?  Do you need help cleaning your house?  Setting up the nursery?  What can we do?"  One friend proposed a baby shower, which will meet so many needs in our stretched budget currently.  Another friend is offering me maternity clothes.  A third is watching Burrito one day this week so I can get a little rest.  And today, another Christian friend from another church offered me more maternity clothes.  A week ago, another friend gave me some baby boy clothes, which were also much needed.  God is providing.  He is answering so many prayers.

Sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable with my fellow Christians, but to fail to do so, to fail to share how things really are is to miss out on God's blessing and care through them.  I came home feeling a bit teary-eyed with gratitude.  I hope that when I am feeling better again, I can be there for other friends like this too.

adventures in pregnancy: mr. bean

Pregnancy has not been good for blogging.  I thought it might be.  I mean, I could whine and moan about the discomforts of pregnancy for NINE WHOLE MONTHS, right?  Ample material!  But...I also started to think of how SICK of my whining my friends and readers would get...and how sad my friends who struggle with conceiving might feel...and how STINKIN' TIRED I would be--so tired that even spending time whining and moaning seemed as though it might take too much energy.  I remember after my first trimester how I knew I was beginning to feel a bit better because the idea of watching a TV show downstairs on the couch was not so overwhelmingly exhausting (I'd been crashing in bed many hours a day).  LAYING ON THE COUCH was exhausting!  I mean, seriously!  Who can blog?

Not to mention that my blog definitely takes a food slant and just try writing about food when you can't stomach food.  Just, ew.  Gross.

I have barely cooked for my family in months.  Yep, that's right.  Me.  Flathead Mama.  Foodie.  More often than not, I find myself getting take-out or making a big salad for dinner.  Or a sandwich.  Mmmmmm....  Garlic has become persona non grata, which eliminates basically all of my recipes except dessert (although if I had found a way to add garlic to dessert, that probably would be part of my repertoire too!).  The first trimester, I couldn't cook or even stand cooking smells in the house.  I was craving chili one day and I made my husband cook it on the barbecue grill.  A few friends brought me casseroles.  BLESS THEM.  Because of them, my family could actually eat a few home-cooked meals!  And Sweet Peaks...Oh, God bless Sweet Peaks...their creamy, homemade ice cream was one of the few things that tasted really good.  Hence, my visits about three times a week.  No exaggeration.

And then...just as the afternoon sickness of nausea began to abate, I got a bad sinus infection that turned into a cough that made me throw up (which, strangely enough, I had never done from pregnancy nausea...in either pregnancy!).  And then I got food poisoning and had diarrhea for 4 days.  I was reminded of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."  Haha.  In a way, it was good.  I had gained a little weight before getting pregnant.  This equaled me out a little bit.  Look on the positive side, I guess.  I wouldn't recommend 4 days of diarrhea as the best diet ever though.  Don't try this at home.

I got so depleted, I started having what almost felt like contractions.  So I had to get checked out at labor and delivery.  There was enough instability that they ordered an ultrasound.  But ultimately, baby was found to be staying put.  I went home, rested, stayed in bed (some more) while my husband did basically everything (some more).  BLESS HIM.  Without him, I probably couldn't have gotten well.  But I did.

The last week or so has been good.  We have done more fun things in the last week than in practically the whole pregnancy combined.  (Arts Festival!  Swimming at the lake!  Farmer's Market!  Thursday Fest in Kalispell!  Movie with the hubby!)  I'm tired and sore these days (and suffering from more allergies than usual), but functional.  And we found out this week that our baby Bean is a boy, so we have taken to calling him Mr. Bean.  I'm feeling him move more and more and so grateful to have gotten this far.  So grateful for the husband, daughter, family, and friends who have helped me through the hormones and sickness and difficulties of the first trimester (and part of the second).  So grateful to God for sustaining me even through an all-too-frequent negative attitude.  So grateful for the good and replenishing activities I've been able to do this week.

I hope with some renewed health and energy, I will be able to post a little more often.  But however things work out, know that I plan to be with this blog long-term.  Because, well, writing is awesome.  And so are my readers.

It's not about me...

I've been having a sentence burning its way into my heart and mind lately.  It comes to me at times when I see something on Facebook or the internet that gives me a flash of anger...a flow of self-righteousness...an argument on my lips and in my heart.  It comes to me when someone who disagrees with me says something sharp and pointed.

This is the sentence: "It's not about you, Rebecca." 

This comes to me again and again.  In my sinful flesh, I am so eager to claim I am so righteous, the other person is so wrong, and it's all about me and my opinion!  But Jesus has been reminding me over and over again that It's not about me!  I can relax.  I don't have to prove myself.  I don't have to smack down someone's argument.  I don't have let everyone know how right I am.  I also don't have to be liked.  I do have to make an effort to show God's love to people.  Because my actions are viewed by one Audience: God.

It's not about me.  It's about Jesus and a world full of people who are hurting, just like I am.  It's about taking myself out of the way and letting Jesus shine through.

I stink at this a lot of times.  I want to claim my Christian rights.  I want to be in the spotlight.  I want to argue my point.  I get all caught up in the claim that poor Christians are so persecuted, forgetting that Christians in America know little of persecution and that even when it does come, Jesus said that it would.  I forget the pain of others in trying to force everybody to see my own distress, my own point of view.

Meanwhile, the person I want to argue with is essentially saying to me, "I hear your argument, but I don't hear your love."  Or maybe I am trying to listen and they are "giving me no credit for listening"...do I get upset and offended?  Or do I listen some more, get to know them, tell the truth about my beliefs but never give up on being their friend?  Do I claim my rights to be understood?  Or do I remember, "It's not all about me?"  Do I see where Christians have hurt them?  Do I see a person that God loves?  Or just my own ego?

Jesus was firm and unapologetic about His beliefs, but He was also incarnational.  He came near to us poor sinners.  His truth was something expressed through a relationship.  Will I be like Jesus and listen?  Or just love the sound of my own voice? 

And when I do speak and give witness to God's Word, do I have to be liked?  Do I have to be understood?  Does it pain me when people don't give me credit for being balanced and nuanced and compassionate?  Or do I accept the pain of people's misunderstanding, knowing that God loves them?  Do I let myself relax and say, "It's ok.  I will do my best to love and to learn from their correction, but I will also be faithful to God.  I'll try to change where I need to shed self-righteousness and lovelessness, but I won't go along with people just to be liked.  It's ok if they don't understand.  It's ok if I am maligned (as long as it's not because I'm being a jerk!)."

Over and over again, Jesus says to me, "It's not about you, Rebecca."  I'm learning to listen.  It might take me a lifetime...

a short word on evil and the shooting in Aurora, CO

Like all Americans, I was horrified, grieved and unnerved to hear of the massacre at a movie theater in Aurora, CO this weekend.  A movie theater of people, gathering to enjoy a summer blockbuster, was sprayed with bullets, leading to the murder of 12 people and the injury of 50-some more.  News coverage has mostly followed the typical sensational and speculative script that comes about each time one of these mass shootings occur.  Virtually every hour, news anchors on the 24-hour networks have called in criminal profilers and psychologists to try to explain to us all the "why?" behind such acts of evil.  Evil is typically something we can avoid in most of our everyday life.  Mass killings are too common, certainly, but still relatively rare in the big picture.  But when such a visceral act of violence occurs, apparently targeting individuals for no real reason, we want to know why. 

This is not the only place we have seen evil in the news lately.  The Jerry Sandusky-Penn State scandal also calls to mind questions of evil in our world.  How is it that a man could abuse children so callously over such a long period of years?  Even worse, how could "normal," professional people--even revered and admired people--tolerate it and cover it up? 

What if, instead of bringing the psychologists and the criminal profilers and the attorneys, we brought in clergypeople and theologians?  Can we continue to avoid the pervasive nature of evil, even in seemingly "good" people like Joe Paterno anymore?  Where does this evil come from?  Is there any power or force greater than this evil?  How can we hope to overcome evil?  Will a day come when we no longer must seek to heal victims of sexual abuse or bury young people mowed down in their prime?

These are all questions for which Christian theology has answers.  At a time in which we are so baffled and troubled by evil, wouldn't it behoove us as a nation to at least give a listen to what those answers may be?

My prayers continue to be with all of those who suffered losses in Aurora, CO.  May God grant you comfort, peace and the assurance of His presence through all of the stages of grief.

my faith story

I've been thinking recently that it is so easy to write about tangential issues and never get around to writing about the most important and central part of my life: faith in Jesus Christ.  So today I want to take an opportunity to share my faith story with you. 

I grew up in a Christian home where I was taught the Bible from a very early age.  In fact, I'm pretty sure my Mom even read me the Bible when I was in the womb!  Saturation in the Bible would describe my growing-up years.  We had family devotions.  We were required to have personal devotions (Mom used to say, "You need to nourish your soul just as much as your body" so we would have devotions even before breakfast).  We listened to Christian radio, read Christian biographies, and even listened to tape recordings of Scripture as we went to sleep at night.  As I became a teenager, we were paid 25 cents to memorize each Bible verse.  This motivated me to memorize chapters of Scripture...even a few whole books (short ones!). 

At the tender age of two years old, I was laying on the changing table when I said to my Mom, "Jesus...come in...heart."  Mom marks that down as the beginning of my faith journey, the stake in the ground of faith, if you will.  I have a lot of appreciation for her belief that a tiny child could have saving faith in Christ (or shall I say, "faith in the saving Christ"!).  Clearly, for a little child to believe, it is the work of the Holy Spirit!  I was baptized a year or two later, at my request.  Although I now believe that conversion and baptism are best understood as a single act, I also agree with an article I recently read on Christianity Today's website: if we find ourselves in the posture of faith and trust in Christ, that is what is important.  It is not so much the journey we took to get there or whether we said a perfect sinner's prayer or had baptism at the "right" time.  It's not whether we use the term "decision for Christ" or the term "Christ's decision for me."  The point is that we trust Jesus for our salvation.  I would add to that that we should also realize that faith itself is the gift of God and from God much more than it is our gift to God.

At any rate, from the earliest of ages, I found myself in the posture of faith in Christ for my salvation.  I had been taught and came to understand for myself that I was born with sin and brokenness in my heart.  After all, who needs to teach a child to rebel?  Rebellion is so common and normal among children that it points to the innate nature of sin.  Children normally and naturally go through selfishness, disobedience and lying.  I understood, though, that sin wasn't just something I did; it was something that was inherently part of me.  I had a nature that made me turn away from God and from my parents.  I came to understand that I needed a Savior to take away my sin, to carry it for me so that it would no longer weigh me down.  I came to understand that I needed forgiveness and restoration.  And I truly believed (and still believe) that Jesus' death on the cross and subsequent resurrection gave me such a salvation and redemption.

As I grew, I came to understand that that sin nature is always there as long as we are on this earth but that in salvation, God also gives us the "firstfruits" of our new life with Him in eternity.  We have a new nature too and that is why despite the in-fighting and hypocrisy and sin and ugliness we see from Christians, we also see that Christians are some of the most generous, sacrificial people in the world.  We see this in the Christians who venture into the leprosy colonies, who reach out to treat those who battle foot-deforming illnesses in Ethiopia, who serve and care for the most hungry and impoverished in the world.  Even Nick Kristof, the New York Times columnist who tackles social issues and doesn't shy away from criticizing conservative Christians, has noted that, in all fairness, you will always find Christians at the heart of seeking to alleviate suffering, in the most dangerous and ugly places on earth.  There is a glory that shines in the midst of the darkness and God uses Christians to bring some of that beauty and hope into the world.  That is why Jesus told us we were the light of the world.

At any rate, as I went through junior high, I found myself less interested in growing in faith and more interested in my hormones.  This passed shortly though and gave way to a period of two years of anxiety and depression that didn't exactly make me suicidal but didn't really make me want to live either.  An increasingly unhealthy dynamic at home probably didn't help things (I was living through the second disintegrating marriage in my family).  I believe that I developed obsessive-compulsive disorder during this time and found myself trying to purge myself of any sin (even a sinful thought) and doing illogical things like obsessively washing my hands.  The outward compulsions were a sign of how much pain I was in inwardly.  There were so many days I crawled through, only holding on to the hope that I would find the answers and be able to be whole in the future.  My interest in matters of faith had returned, thankfully, but often the heavens seemed dark and answers were elusive.  By the grace of God, I didn't give up, though.

It was the restoration to a healthy Christian community that led to my restoration.  Although I had grown up in evangelical and Pentecostal churches, we began to attend a Lutheran church that had a lovely service by the lake.  As we continued to attend and to hear God's Word faithfully preached, as we became a part of a small group and began to serve in the church, I found my hope and wholeness begin to be restored.  In this church, I found pastors who showed me unconditional love and that was healing as well. 

At the same time, I began to study Martin Luther's story.  I came to see that he had suffered the same obsessive anxiety to be perfect and to receive God's favor that I was going through. Martin Luther did not grow up in a world where he had access to the Bible like we do today.  The Mass was in Latin and the Scriptures were in another language and reserved for the elite.  It was only in his work as a young monk that he began to actually read the Bible.  When he did, he was completely overcome by the grace of God.  He came to see that salvation is never dependent on what we do, but is totally dependent on what God has done and is doing for us.  Jesus died for us so that we could be free from efforts to please God (efforts which are never enough to match God's perfect standard).  He saw that while God is holy, He is also merciful.  When we could not bring redemption and healing for ourselves, Jesus did it for us, at great personal cost. 

It was not that I had never been taught this.  I was steeped in Scripture and its teaching about salvation.  But somehow I had gotten myself into a place where I believed that, as a Christian, I was responsible for holding on to God's favor.  I saw myself as a worse sinner than other sinners and was desperately trying to claw my way up the ladder of holiness.  Martin Luther reminded me that only Jesus can obtain God's favor and that it is given to us as a gift--not only at the moment of our conversion, but for the rest of our lives.  Is obedience important?  Yes!  But not to obtain God's favor.  It is the way we show our love and gratitude to God for what He has already given us.  Little by little, I began to experience more and more freedom from the obsessive control I was trying to take over my life.

In the years that followed, I had many ups and downs.  I had times when I followed God more closely than others.  I had times when I clung to my own control instead of to Christ.  I think of myself now as "in recovery" from this obsessive control.  It's a life-long journey.  And now as an adult, I often feel I have more questions than answers.  But in the midst of the questions and struggles, there is one passage that I cling to.  In John 6, Jesus has just finished a particularly difficult-to-understand teaching ("eat my flesh...drink my blood").  Many people are repulsed and turn away from following Him anymore.  Jesus asks His disciples if they plan to do the same.  Simon Peter's words are the ones I cling to, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God" (NIV).  This is so often how I feel.  So often, I don't understand God.  I have so many questions.  The heavens often seem dark.  Scripture is so often hard to understand.  But what I do know is that there is no other credible place to which I can turn.  There is no other Person who was willing to die for me.  There is no other assurance like that which I have in Christ.  So I cling to Him in the midst of the questions and confusion of this life.  I remain in the posture of faith. 


There's a lot more I could write about.  My growth in faith in college and at Bible camp.  My years in Christian ministry.  Seminary.  But this will suffice for now.  


Jesus has saved me, redeemed me and given me the gift of faith.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and promises that no one can snatch me away from Him (John 10) and nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8).  To whom shall I go?  I go to Jesus.