Last month, Christopher and I found out that we are expecting our second baby in December. I haven't been able to blog much for two reasons: 1) Extreme exhaustion and 2) I couldn't write about what was really going on!
It's amazing how in just weeks, your body COMPLETELY CHANGES as a pregnant lady. Circulation is affected. Suddenly, taking a load of clothes out of the washer completely winds me. I've been sick as a dog when it comes to morning sickness (which in my case should be called evening sickness!).
I'll be honest...I've been struggling a lot with "receiving with thanksgiving" this first stage of pregnancy. The exhaustion and nausea have been all-consuming and of course pregnancy brings up all kinds of self-doubt and worry as well. And I worry about all that I am placing on my husband's shoulders (despite his gracious willingness to shoulder the burden). I've been looking for resources online to help my attitude improve. I've been asking for prayers for my attitude to improve. I know that this too shall pass and I know that ultimately I am struggling with what is a difficult part of a very happy thing (a new baby), but it has been hard. For those of you with experience in the art of weathering the first trimester, I'd love any advice and encouragement you can offer. I will share insights I am learning as I go through as well, but for now I am not the expert. I need to learn and grow. (And perhaps accept the suffering that comes?)
I did begin to really embrace the joy of this pregnancy when we told Burrito the big secret on Sunday. I'm sure she thinks that an alien has taken over Mom's body
(partially true) since I've been acting so weird. She was absolutely delighted and has been helping me get Bean's (our nickname for the baby) room organized. She loves to hear every detail about the pregnancy and how Bean will grow and develop. She is delighted by it all and it delights me to share with her. It seems like throughout this time, we have gotten closer as mother and daughter. She wants to snuggle and talk more (which I always used to wish she would do). She wants to help. She's even been acting a little more grown-up as we call her "big sister." I'm so proud of the new parts of her I see emerging.
My experience with Burrito has taught me a lot. I had many fears and worries before she was born too. I was truly worried if I would be a good mother. But despite some difficulties along the way, Burrito has shown me that there is truly nothing to fear. My life is so much richer for having her in my life. I am trying to trust in faith--believing without seeing--that the same will be true of Bean.
I'm also going to buy Creating with God: The Holy Confusing Blessedness of Pregnancy.
The author's argument? Pregnancy is a way in which God works in us, even when it may be hard to detect His work. The suffering we go through is not a waste but can train us in the practices of faith. I think it will be just what the doctor ordered.
P.S. So much for the weight loss plan!