Mama Talk: Creativity (A Prelude)

Fingers trembling with joy, I sat down at the computer that September morning.  It wasn’t just the cups of coffee I’d been drinking; this exhilarating feeling was coming from somewhere deeper.  The baby was laying down for a long nap.  My daughter had just headed off for her first morning back at preschool.  And I had TIME.  And ENERGY.  And my HEALTH.  I was going to write!

I flipped on my “Fun. Radio” Pandora station and started to type.

I had missed this so much.  It seemed that just as soon as I hit my stride with blogging and editing a few years ago, I got pregnant.  I don’t do pregnant so well.  I was nauseous and I kept getting sick.  I was tired and distracted.  I kept forgetting things that I’d normally be on top of.  I finally gave up on blogging and writing.  It just wasn’t in me.  It was my year of fog. 

And then the baby was born and, well, you know how new babies are.  If you can manage to get enough sleep while caring for them, then basically you are rocking the world.  There’s no time or energy for creative pursuits. 

When the baby was about six months old, I was still in my slump and was beginning to think I was never going to accomplish anything beyond laundry, diaper changing, nursing and sometimes cooking dinner from scratch.  (I guess technically, caring and feeding for another human is creative, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.)  Thanks to my friends and my family, I got through a couple of bad months of depression. 

And then the golden intersection of preschool mornings and baby naps hit.  Suddenly this non-morning person was up and at ‘em, getting showered and dressed, and dreaming of what to do with the time that was suddenly available. 

I am coming to realize that I need creativity in my life.  I need it badly.  When I am creative, I begin to glow.  Seriously.  I get filled up with joy and it can’t help but spill out on my family.  Instead of being less than as a mom, I am more!  Sure, there are times when creativity is not possible, but I am finding that it’s important to accept that fact and then get back to creativity as soon as I can.  Because feeling alive and whole is contagious.  My family can’t help but catch it.

Sometimes the problem with creativity is that we feel pressured to be creative in the same way that other moms are creative.  We feel that we should all be like moms on Pinterest.  We feel that we should all be good at crafts.  Or whatever.  Maybe our creative corner of the world looks really different than other moms.  Maybe we never even saw it as creative.  But it’s what makes us ourselves.  Personally, I think being creative in a totally different way is what makes us moms interesting. 

In my small group right now, we are studying Genesis and lately I’ve been so struck by how all of us as human beings are made in God’s image.  I think that there are many elements to being made in God’s image, but one of the biggees is that God made each of us creative beings.  Now, we can’t create ex nihilo (out of nothing) like God can.  God took nothing and made something.  We can only take stuff that’s already here and make something new out of it.  But when we do that, we reflect our Creator.  I think that’s where the joy comes from. 

Maybe for some of us, it’s computer code.  Maybe for others it’s pursuing health and wholeness.  Maybe some sew or or knit or craft.  Others may love to create culinary masterpieces.  Some may love to write.  Some may paint or sketch.  Some may homeschool their kids.  Some may be engineers or architects.  There are so many ways to be creative and make something new out of what we’ve been given in this beautiful world.

In the coming weeks, I’m going to be interviewing several ladies who I admire for their creativity.  They are all moms and they are all creative in all kinds of unique, awesome ways.  We’re going to call it “MamaTalk: Creativity.”  I hope you’ll read and comment and put in your own two cents.  I hope you’ll share and help us the myriad of ways we moms are able to reflect our Creator.  And I hope that if you are having a hard time finding your joy or the reason why you should even make the time for it, you will feel freshly inspired and encouraged.  I hope you will find the time to carve out for being creative—for your family, for God, for you.

Hang on.  It’s going to be a creatively awesome ride!

Book Review: What a Son Needs from His Mom

So, I had a baby boy four months ago.  And this happening prompted the reflection: What the heck do I know about boys?!  I knew there were a lot of things I could do wrong.  I just didn't have any idea what the right things were to do as the mother of a little being so entirely different from me.  Yes, love the little bugger.  But how?

Just as I was in the midst of musing over these questions, this book by Cheri Fuller came before me for review.  I immediately snatched up a review copy and read it quickly, underlining a lot.  What a Son Needs from His Mom is a book chock-full of wisdom and good advice for moms who are raising sons.
In this book, Fuller provides wisdom on topics as diverse as faith, confidence, communication, emotions, and school.  She provides a lot of anecdotes from moms of boys, as well as comments and stories from the boys themselves on what their mothers did that was helpful or not helpful for them.  Through her own journey as a mom to boys, Fuller helps moms understand how best to relate to a masculine personality.  

Confidence and formation into a strong young man as the goal is a strong theme in this book.  Fuller advises gradually releasing our sons and trusting them to make the right decision instead of overly controlling their decisions.  Helpful to me was her discussion of how off-putting over-protection due to a mother's fears can be to sons and how it can undermine confidence as they grow and develop.  I know this will be a battlefield for me and that I will need to work hard to combat my own fears and anxieties so that my boy can thrive and be the courageous young man God has created him to be.  

In one illustration, she shares about a friend who had a teenage son with whom she was experiencing friction.  "He was becoming edgy, sharing less, and pulling away."  However, "God showed Peggy that her son was the budding head of a new household.  The season of God's nurturing John through her was coming to an end and a new season was beginning for him.  It was no longer fitting for her to dominate this young man whom God was calling to be the eventual head of a new household."  This was a really helpful insight for me.  Granted, realizing when this stage has come to pass will require some careful discernment.  But eventually my son will begin to take on a role of leadership as a man.  He will probably have some growing pains as he comes into a new stage of life.  But I will need to get out of the way as God begins to form him and to move him into this new stage.

In the area of communication, Fuller provided a wonderful, helpful illustration: boys' "emotions and thoughts are a little like oatmeal.  If you heat up a pot of oatmeal and it gets hotter and closer to a boil, bubbles come to the surface.  In a similar way, as our sons get heated up through doing active things, their thoughts bubble up to the surface."  Generally speaking, while girls may focus a lot on direct relationships and talking, boys focus on doing.  I'll need to understand this major difference between the genders as I parent my son.  In regards to communication, Fuller also recommends lecturing less but instead using stories, strong and succinct quotations, and the like to teach.

In another part of the book, Fuller challenges moms to come up with five to eight core values that she hopes to instill in her son (this would be helpful for daughters as well!).  Then, she encourages moms to look to the long-term plan to teach those values.  It won't happen overnight but with steady effort, your child can come to know those all-important values.

I do have only one real critique of this book.  In the way in which Fuller describes the faith life of children, she seems to lean towards a view that a very young child cannot generally be saved and in possession of their own faith.  I believe even very young children can have a saving knowledge of Christ.  I wouldn't say that Fuller fully discounts this reality, but I think she leans slightly away from it.  I'd like to see her embrace God's saving work in very young children more fully.  However, this is a doctrinal matter that the reader can work through on their own.  

Overall, this is an incredibly wise and beneficial book.  I will be returning to it often as I raise my own little man.

4 stars. Highly Recommended.
  
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received an advance digital copy of this book free from Bethany House.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

and sometimes you just need chocolate cake...

A little messy but so delicious!

It's been a rough week at our house.  Not only did Mr. Bean receive his second round of vaccines on Monday and not only is Mr. Bean going through his three month growth spurt, but we are also surrounded by the busyness of Holy Week (generally the most intense week of ministry for a pastor all year)...and most significantly of all, my normally happy, cheerful baby has turned into a mass of tears, hand-gnawing, drooling, night waking...and more tears.  The intensity of his needs this week has been overwhelming.  I mean, we were getting spoiled around here.  Mr. Bean was sleeping about 9 hours each night and he was generally happy most of the day.  The only time he wasn't happy was if he was hungry or tired, either of which could be quickly and easily resolved.

But even easy babies go through tough stages.  Because they're, well, babies.  And this has been a pretty tough stage.  When you're just three months old, it's pretty hard to find some coping skills for having nail-sharp teeth punching through your gums.  Most of the time, the only thing that seems to make my little bundle (of joy?) feel better is being held.  All.day.long.  And even then, he's grouchy.  So I've been trying to wash a load of towels all week and it only just got done yesterday.  I must be slightly exaggerating but not much when I say that virtually every time I set this little one down to do some essential task, he starts crying.  And try as I might, I.can't.make.it.better.

(On the plus side, I'm pretty sure I've found a way to stop the terrorists: stick them in a room with a crying baby.  They'll hand over those essential facts pretty quick.  Wait a minute, I don't believe in torture.  But still...).

So one awful week of awful hurty mouth later, I happened to be watching Nigella Bites on the Cooking Channel and she was making comfort food.  It was therapeutic just to watch someone peacefully and happily mixing starches and desserts.  And, oh, the fudge cake with chocolate buttercream icing!  I looked up the recipe and had all the ingredients.  And suddenly, I needed chocolate cake in the worst way.  There is a bone-tiredness, an emotional exhaustion that cries out for the one thing that will make it better: chocolate.  (A good nap helps too.)

We are still not out of the woods.  Mr. Bean is still battling those teeth.  I know he will be doing so for a couple of years, but I am desperately hoping--for his sake and mine--that this acute phase will be over soon.  Until then, I have half a chocolate cake in the fridge to finish.  And I now know how to make more.

Never Feed Your Kids Processed Mac and Cheese Again!

We rarely make boxed mac and cheese at our house...but Burrito loves it.  In fact, she makes a habit of ordering boring, cardboardy Kraft Mac and Cheese when we go out to eat.  In recent months, however, I have discovered how stinkin' easy it is to make homemade, stove-top mac and cheese...and that Burrito loves it just as much--or possibly even more--than the box stuff.

Better yet, I pretty much always have the simple ingredients that are needed to make this tasty pasta.

You are not going to believe how easy it is.

HOMEMADE KID-FRIENDLY MAC AND CHEESE
For the pasta:
Approximately 8 dry oz. of noodles--elbows or twisty pastas recommended

For the sauce:
2 TBS butter
2 TBS all-purpose flour
2 cups milk (skim is fine) or half and half
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper (if desired)
2 cups (or more, to taste) of shredded cheese (preferably a blend that includes cheddar)

Cook pasta according to package instructions.  Meanwhile, melt butter in a large saucepan.  Whisk flour together with butter to form a roux (a thickening agent).  Then (before roux burns or overly browns), begin to add milk or half and half slowly, a half cup at a time.  Continue whisking during this process.  Each time the milky mixture begins to thicken and almost boil, it's time to add the next bit of milk or half and half.  Once all the milk has been added, whisk in your salt, pepper, and Dijon.  Finally, remove from heat and add in your cheese, a half cup at a time, continuing to whisk until smooth.  You can add more cheese if you would like, too.  You can also add a cup of cooked veggies (peas or broccoli would work especially well); this is a great way to sneak in some extra veggies.

Toss sauce with pasta.

Voila!  You're done!  Try it and see if your kids don't go ga-ga for it!

THE book for when your kids are making you nuts!

So since Mr. Bean's birth, I have to admit that Burrito and I have been clashing heads a bit.  I must admit that a large part of it is my fault.  During my pregnancy, I truly felt horrible most of the time, so I spent a lot of time in bed and gave in to what she wanted a lot of the time (loads of TV, anyone?).  I am feeling much, much better since having the baby but of course now he needs lots of attention.  And there are certainly times when baby coos are a more attractive option than preschooler tantrums (are you with me, anyone?)!  I was finding myself losing my temper with Burrito more and more often.  I was falling into the pattern of reacting instead of responding to poor preschooler behavior.  I was starting to forget that I am actually the parent around here!  We've all been there, right?

I was ready for a shot in the arm.  Months ago, my husband bought me the book, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days. I had read portions of the book but was finally ready to really sit down and focus on it now.  Dr. Kevin Leman's advice is simple but not easy.  What makes his book unique is the humor with which his advice is given.  When your kids are on your last nerve, you need to laugh.  You need to remember (with Bill Cosby) that "these people" (your kiddos) are crazy and that part of getting through the challenges of parenting is knowing how to laugh.

One of the best pieces of advice Leman gives in the book is this: "Say it once.  Turn your back.  Walk away."  All too often, we as parents forget that we are the God-ordained leaders of our home.  Though we are to be kind and loving leaders, we are to be leaders.  And the kiddos need to learn respect towards authority.  They need to learn that when we say to do something, we mean business.  They need to learn to listen to rather than ignore our voice when we speak.  Today's parents rightly are trying to correct parenting lacks in some previous eras by focusing on the relationship with our children, but it's certainly possible to take that course correction too far.  I realized while reading Leman's book that I was overly concerned with my daughter liking me.  This was a shocking realization, but I think tiredness and longing for some of the closeness we had in her younger years was getting to me.  All the rest that I had to take while I was pregnant and now all of the attention I was giving the baby were making me feel guilty.  So I was focusing too much on wanting to please her, or alternatively getting frustrated when she just wouldn't cooperate.  Amazingly, I'm rediscovering that when I remember I'm the mom and she's the kid, when I give her freedom to make decisions without taking it as an indictment on me, when her decisions have natural consequences, I feel that I can relax and enjoy her more.  It's almost counter-intuitive how good, calm, loving discipline frees parents to love and enjoy their kids just as they are.  But it does.  Kids are gonna misbehave and do dumb stuff.  We all did when we were kids.  But it's how we respond to them that matters. 

Dr. Leman encourages parents to carefully differentiate between "mountains" and "molehills."  Which issues are central issues which need to be dealt with and which issues are minor quirks of kid-hood?  It's important that we're not constantly on our kids' case.  Paul advises us, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, NIV).

Leman also advises that when a child does something serious like disrespect her parents, the parent simply calmly wait until the next time the child wants something (which he jokes will be in about 5 minutes since there are so many things little people can't reach!) and then calmly tell them, "No, you aren't going to do that today."  He advises that, rather than get into a power struggle over the consequence, the parent let the child work at thinking about what they did wrong so that they can grow in maturity and attentiveness to their parents.  Once they do apologize for what they did wrong, he suggests the parent forgive them but not lift the consequence.  He says what the parent is trying to do is create a teachable moment in which they have the child's full attention.  The teachable moment helps create an environment where the child will think twice the next time before he or she sasses mom or dad.

Leman suggests that the best consequences are natural consequences.  He says, "let nature take its course.  And when nature doesn't take care of the problem, you help nature along.  Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility."  For example, if your kiddo wastes time instead of getting a project done for school, don't stay up late trying to help them do it the night before.  Natural consequences.  They might get a bad grade, but they will learn a valuable lesson for life.

There is loads more good, wise advice in the pages of this easily readable book.  After reading it, I felt empowered and much more positive about my role as a parent.  I felt like, "Ok, I can do this!"  Leman writes, "Today's children need guidance.  They need accountability.  They need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions (or their inaction).  Otherwise their lives will run amok."  We aren't being mean parents to have a high standard for our kids.  We're helping to prepare them for life in the real world.  This will sometimes mean that they are upset with us, but that's ok.  If we keep the big picture in mind, we can weather the storms of parenthood.  C'mon, parents.  We can do this thing!

4.5 stars. Highly Recommended.

gaze

jaded,
slit-eyed,
life tornadoes by.
we forget
     wonder:
eye gazing eye.

wide-eyed baby
     sees;
moving blobs
sharpen into focus.

there's a you
diapering
nursing
snuggling warmth

eyes begin to speak

arms, legs flutter

there's a you!

taking a mommy break

I was fairly apprehensive about the prospect of taking care of two kiddos at home alone once hubby returned to work.  Could I handle all the work that entailed...especially on less sleep?  How would I deal with a preschooler who was used to demanding all my time and attention while attending to the constant dependency and needs of a new baby?

I have to say, however, that things are going better than I expected.  This is why I generally follow the life principle, "Expect the worst and that way, you may be pleasantly surprised!"  (I wish I were more of an optimist but unfortunately I'm usually not.)  Anyway, although Burrito has had some bouts of jealousy and such, overall she is proving to be an excellent and helpful big sister who says multiple times a day, "Ohhhh, he's just the CUTEST baby!"  I have come to greatly appreciate the little things she does all day to help out.  She hands me things when I'm nursing and can't reach them.  She keeps an eye on her little brother while I clean up after a diaper change.  She offers to throw away a dirty diaper.  She sings to her crying brother.  She really is a blessing.

And taking care of Bean is going better than expected as well.  He is a ravenous eater so that has taken some getting used to.  I was prepared to feed him every two hours--but not every hour or hour and a half!  But he's a pretty good sleeper at night and has been since he was born, for the most part.  Even though I am not getting as much sleep as I would like, I am getting way more than I expected, so life is good.

Nevertheless, there are times each day when the walls begin to close in, when I wonder if I will ever again have a life outside of nursing and changing diapers 24/7, when I wonder if there is a world outside my little nest, when I begin to feel that even my body does not belong to myself right now.  Although I rarely left the house the first few weeks postpartum, I am learning that there is some real value in making mini "Mommy escapes" once Daddy gets home from work.  I am so blessed to live in a town where this is possible.  I can venture out for an hour or less and refresh my spirit so many ways in our town.

Sometimes it's just a trip to the grocery store or drug store and a reminder that there are other grown-ups in the world.  (I remember when Burrito was a little baby, how I would find reasons to visit our tiny grocery store in North Dakota almost daily.)  But my favorite little Mommy escape last week was an hour spent visiting the library and tramping down the street in gorgeous 40 degree temps to visit one of my favorite bakeries in town, Great Northern Foods.  I got a great big piece of their amazing chocolate torte, a treat for Burrito, and some wonderful multigrain rolls.  Books and good food...my spirits were refreshed when I returned home to a son who was ready to eat...again!  (Perhaps he is to be a foodie as well?)  I'm so grateful to live in a place where I don't have to drive a hour away to shop or do something fun...just another reason I love living in the Flathead Valley.

What about you?  What is your favorite Mommy escape?

10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby--Part 2

Yesterday, I started a post on 10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby. Here is the rest of that post:

7. Don't expect life to carry on as before, just with a cute baby in tow.  Expect life to change forever.  Before I had my daughter, I had this crazy idea that I would do my job with a cute baby in tow.  I guess I thought she would be happy and content all the time and I would just cart her around and there would be no inconvenience whatsoever.  I pictured her napping quietly in my office while I visited with people or typed away at a sermon.  Yeah.  Right.  I did try to work from home or with her in tow a lot, but it wasn't anything like I pictured.  Babies need attention.  A lot of attention.  Unrelenting attention.  They cry, poop, scream and everything in between all day long, at inconvenient times.  If you're going to take baby along to work or work from home, you're going to have to adjust your hours, hire a nanny, live near a grandparent or something.  You're not going to be able to be Supermom and do it all.  Maybe this is why Hillary Clinton once wrote a book reminding us of the African proverb that "it takes a village to raise a child."  We all need a little help.  Even stay-at-home moms (as I am now) need some help...somebody to rock the baby or entertain the preschooler while we start supper or clean the floors.  If we believed before that we could do it all, having a baby will forever humble us and deprive us of that notion.  With my second baby, as I've come to accept that I need help sometimes, I've found a lot more peace.  And I've also found a lot of gratitude for the friends and family God has put into my life. 

8. (This is a biggee.)  It's not your fault if the baby won't stop crying.  Oh the anxiety that arises when baby won't stop crying.  Especially with my daughter, I would get twisted into knots trying to figure out the crying, trying to stop it, wondering why I couldn't.  With my son, I'm at least a bit more easy-going.  I'm older and wiser (although I sometimes do still freak out...I'll be honest).  I've mostly come to realize though that babies just cry.  A LOT.  They are acclimating to the world outside the womb.  Their little brains are still developing.  You and they are still getting to know each other.  They literally feel like they are starving a lot of the time as they go through rapid growth spurts.  As their digestive system develops, they have frequent painful gas.  It's tough to be a baby.

But it's also tough to be a new mommy or daddy.  You feel like you should be able to know how to calm the baby down.  But when you have fed them, burped them, changed them, rocked them, checked for anything causing pain, swaddled them, and you still don't know why the baby is crying, it's helpful to set them carefully in their crib, take a step away and take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's not your fault if the baby won't stop crying.  Sometimes you just won't know why they are crying.  Maybe they're just in a bad mood.  Maybe they are missing the womb.  Who knows?  Go easy on yourself.  You're a good mom...a good dad.  You'll get through this.  Do the best you can and accept that you will not always be able to calm baby.

9. Trust your gut.  Ok, this is one that I was told, but it's important enough I still want to include it.  My Mom told me this when my daughter was born.  She told me that God had chosen me to be my baby's mom and hubby to be my baby's dad.  She said we should trust that God would give us the wisdom and the resources to make wise decisions for our baby.  We would receive lots of conflicting advice from people.  Some of them would be adamant in what we should do.  But we just needed to pray about decisions, talk together and come to our own decisions on what was best for our baby.  I have clung to this advice all through parenting.  And I have tried to also apply it to a gracious attitude towards others' parenting styles and methods.  Every baby and family is different.  Every kid is different.  What works for one kid may not work for another.  So much of parenting is trial and error anyway.  So, have confidence in your parenting abilities.  Don't feel like a failure if you do things differently from everybody else.  God chose you to be your child's parent.

10. Having kids may be tougher than you could imagine, but it is also infinitely more wonderful than you could imagine!  I was really apprehensive about having kids.  My husband wanted to have kids...and I did too, but he was willing to push me to make that leap of faith.  I grew up in a broken family and had a lot of worries about repeating past patterns.  I worried if I would even be a good mother.  I thought I wasn't maternal.  And yet...when those little munchkins were born, something happened to me.  I was pulled out of myself, out of my own navel-gazing into a love that was so much bigger than I was.  I'm not that touchy-feely of a person.  But these little people have changed me...for the better.  They've widened my heart, helped me to be more mellow, taught me more about service, given me confidence that I can care for children and do it well.  They've been so much more of a blessing in my life than I ever could have anticipated.  Having kids is hard and demanding and all the rest of it.  But it's also really wonderful and I'm so glad that I didn't miss out on experiencing parenthood.

So...that's my list...What about the rest of you parents out there?  What do you wish you had known before you became a parent?

10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby--Part 1

When my first baby was born, I probably could have written a book on the number of things I didn't know about baby care, postnatal recovery, etc.  With the birth of baby number two, there is a much less steep learning curve, but, particularly since one is a girl and one is a boy, there have still been some things that I wish someone had explained to me ahead of time even now.  There's nothing like on-the-job training but I'd also like to spare any moms-to-be the rude awakening of at least some of these unrealistic expectations if I can.  I am a firm believer that we all do better when we have realistic expectations.  Realistic expectations help us avoid perfectionism, reduce depression and have coping strategies in place when tough times come.

So, without further ado, here is my top 10 list of Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby before I had said baby.  Some are from my first baby and some are from my second.

1. Regular childbirth is much much much (did I mention MUCH?) easier to recover from than a c-section.  I did know this one, but I think I focused so much on the natural aspect of childbirth (no medication!) with my first child that I didn't leave myself as open to the fact that I might need some medical help and that the chief objective of having a vaginal delivery is much more important than doing it hospital or drug free.  With my second baby, I was blessed to have a team of doctors who understood how best to help women have VBACs and although they certainly would have recommended a c-section if it became medically necessary, they would never do it to get to their golf game.  They had so many strategies up their sleeve to help women succeed if at all possible.  I did use some medication with baby number two.  The pain was to a point that it was unmanageable but the rest the medication gave me ultimately helped me succeed at getting a VBAC.  The recovery period has been rapid following normal childbirth, whereas with a c-section, my recovery took a full 8 weeks.  I also have been better able to bond with the baby, have regained energy and strength faster, and have managed to avoid the deeper depression and exhaustion that characterized my first postpartum period.  I was tempted in the midst of the exhaustion and pain of the pushing stage to just tell the doctor to give me a c-section so I could be done.  I'm so glad I didn't and I'm so glad she didn't rush to that option.

2. With that said, you can't control birth and it doesn't really ultimately matter how your baby is born.  You will love them no matter what.  Yes, vaginal delivery is better for most women's bodies and for their postpartum period, but at the same time, we are not God and this never becomes clearer to us than when we go into labor.  My first delivery was everything I hoped it would not be...nightmarishly long followed by a c-section...but even though I had a rough start, I fell in love with my daughter.  All of the pain and discomfort to have her were worth it.  Some women are unable to have vaginal deliveries, for various health reasons.  And all births are different and unpredictable.

After my daughter's birth, I had to come to a place of accepting how things had gone and that even though I had a "birth plan," birth does not really go according to plan.  It's best to know all your options, plan loosely and focus on the the fact that you are about to receive a tremendous gift...one way or another.  Knowing all your options enables you to have a "tool kit" to reach into.  The wise old nurse who did our childbirth classes this time told us, "If your pain gets out of control, that's when it's time to think about changing something."  That's when to reach into the tool kit and pick out a new tool...a new position, a new pain coping mechanism, a medication, maybe even a c-section if necessary.  Being too rigid in birth can only set you up for disappointment--or even depression.

3. Be prepared for some weird postpartum bodily stuff.  Everybody tells you about the baby blues and postpartum depression, so you probably won't be too surprised if you burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  But no one had told me about the world's longest period (lasting 4-6 weeks postpartum), the night sweats, or the rapid and sudden weight loss that can occur within a few days after birth (especially if you are nursing). Nursing and night sweats take the weight and fluid off fast.  If you gained a little extra during pregnancy, it won't completely restore you to pre-pregnancy weight, but you could lost 20-25 pounds in the matter of days.  With my first pregnancy, this scared me to death.  I thought perhaps something was wrong with me!  Be prepared for some potential anxiety, shakiness, and feeling pretty weird with that kind of rapid weight loss.  Be prepared to eat plenty of protein and calories if this happens; you will need them!  Your system should stabilize in a few days to a couple of weeks.

4. Nursing can be painful at first--sometimes very painful--even if you are doing everything correctly (take that, Le Leche!:-)).  Some women are just more sensitive than others and it does take a little time to toughen up.  It bothers me a lot when Le Leche members tell people that nursing should not hurt if you are doing everything right and if baby has a proper latch.  This is true a month or two down the road once you have toughened up and acclimated to nursing.  But it might hurt a bit or a lot at first, even if you are trying your darndest to get baby latched properly.  The pain is typically when the baby first latches on but if you have gotten blisters, it can last throughout the nursing session.  So, yes, address the baby's latch, but be patient with yourself and with the pain and soreness.  If nursing is important to you (and there are a ton of benefits to health and bonding), try giving nursing 4-6 weeks.  Generally, problems resolve by then, baby learns to suck properly, soreness begins to ease, and skin toughens up.  Also, make use of a lactation consultant if you can, use cloth nursing pads (much less abrasive than the disposable ones), and try lanolin or natural nipple cream.  Finally, if you experiencing cracking or blisters, soaking the affected area in warm salt water after nursing is soothing and helpful in promoting healing.  This was a life-saver for me the first time around!

5. Be prepared for the amount of time you will spend nursing--at least 8-12 times per day for at least 30 minutes each time.  Baby will eventually get more efficient at nursing.  He or she will fall asleep less and get more focused.  And your body will adjust to providing baby the proper amount of milk.  But initially it is a huge time commitment.  Not only that but your little baby liposuction machine will be sucking fat out of your body so fast that you will have never been so hungry or thirsty in your entire life.  Drink a full glass of water as often as you can and get multiple high-energy snacks throughout the day (trail mix, yogurt, cheese sticks, granola bars, cookies, apples and peanut butter, bagels and cream cheese, etc.).  A depleted mom is not a happy mom.  Early on, I find myself looking at my job as two-fold: feed baby all day and feed myself all day.

Although baby will eventually become more efficient at nursing and will drop feedings little by little, for as long as you are nursing, it is still a big commitment of time and energy.  I was totally unprepared for this with my first baby. Nursing is a supply and demand game, so a person has to do it regularly to ensure enough milk supply.  This means feedings can very rarely be put off without consequences.  Yes, you can have a dinner date with hubby and leave a bottle for the sitter.  But if you don't nurse or pump every few hours, one way or another, your supply is going to start dropping.  Finding a way to combine nursing or pumping with work schedules is one of the most challenging things a modern mom has to do.  And in our culture, there are many times it's well nigh impossible.  It was a huge challenge for me to nurse and work with my first daughter--and I had a very flexible schedule.  I can't imagine how women with more rigid schedules manage to do it!  Still, if you can do it, it's worth doing.  My daughter had almost no sickness in the 17 months I nursed her.  My newborn did not catch the colds that we had in the house right after he was born.  And the benefit to bonding is outstanding.

If you can't manage nursing, though, no guilt!  We all have to think and decide what is best for our families and if it is killing you to nurse, it might be time to stop.  Again, a depleted mom is not a happy mom.  Being depleted affects the baby too.  No child care decisions are perfect and we all do the best we can.  The best thing we can do for other women is support them in the difficult choices they make about such a wide range of baby-care decisions.  Being a mom is tough and all of us need more encouragement, not more criticism.

6. Baby boys eat more.  A lot more.  After my son was born a month ago, I was shocked at the constant feeding he wanted to do!  I mentioned to my friends that he wanted to eat every hour, oftentimes.  Their response was, "Oh, that's boys!"  Apparently, everyone else was aware that boys eat a ton more than girls and often go into marathon nursing sessions.  Nobody bothered to tell me though!  I was prepared for the more regular every 2-3 hours feedings my daughter did.  Nope.  Most of the moms of boys that I've talked to since Bean was born have said their sons did the same marathon nursing sessions.  Now I know!

To be continued tomorrow....

adventures in pregnancy: mr. bean

Pregnancy has not been good for blogging.  I thought it might be.  I mean, I could whine and moan about the discomforts of pregnancy for NINE WHOLE MONTHS, right?  Ample material!  But...I also started to think of how SICK of my whining my friends and readers would get...and how sad my friends who struggle with conceiving might feel...and how STINKIN' TIRED I would be--so tired that even spending time whining and moaning seemed as though it might take too much energy.  I remember after my first trimester how I knew I was beginning to feel a bit better because the idea of watching a TV show downstairs on the couch was not so overwhelmingly exhausting (I'd been crashing in bed many hours a day).  LAYING ON THE COUCH was exhausting!  I mean, seriously!  Who can blog?

Not to mention that my blog definitely takes a food slant and just try writing about food when you can't stomach food.  Just, ew.  Gross.

I have barely cooked for my family in months.  Yep, that's right.  Me.  Flathead Mama.  Foodie.  More often than not, I find myself getting take-out or making a big salad for dinner.  Or a sandwich.  Mmmmmm....  Garlic has become persona non grata, which eliminates basically all of my recipes except dessert (although if I had found a way to add garlic to dessert, that probably would be part of my repertoire too!).  The first trimester, I couldn't cook or even stand cooking smells in the house.  I was craving chili one day and I made my husband cook it on the barbecue grill.  A few friends brought me casseroles.  BLESS THEM.  Because of them, my family could actually eat a few home-cooked meals!  And Sweet Peaks...Oh, God bless Sweet Peaks...their creamy, homemade ice cream was one of the few things that tasted really good.  Hence, my visits about three times a week.  No exaggeration.

And then...just as the afternoon sickness of nausea began to abate, I got a bad sinus infection that turned into a cough that made me throw up (which, strangely enough, I had never done from pregnancy nausea...in either pregnancy!).  And then I got food poisoning and had diarrhea for 4 days.  I was reminded of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."  Haha.  In a way, it was good.  I had gained a little weight before getting pregnant.  This equaled me out a little bit.  Look on the positive side, I guess.  I wouldn't recommend 4 days of diarrhea as the best diet ever though.  Don't try this at home.

I got so depleted, I started having what almost felt like contractions.  So I had to get checked out at labor and delivery.  There was enough instability that they ordered an ultrasound.  But ultimately, baby was found to be staying put.  I went home, rested, stayed in bed (some more) while my husband did basically everything (some more).  BLESS HIM.  Without him, I probably couldn't have gotten well.  But I did.

The last week or so has been good.  We have done more fun things in the last week than in practically the whole pregnancy combined.  (Arts Festival!  Swimming at the lake!  Farmer's Market!  Thursday Fest in Kalispell!  Movie with the hubby!)  I'm tired and sore these days (and suffering from more allergies than usual), but functional.  And we found out this week that our baby Bean is a boy, so we have taken to calling him Mr. Bean.  I'm feeling him move more and more and so grateful to have gotten this far.  So grateful for the husband, daughter, family, and friends who have helped me through the hormones and sickness and difficulties of the first trimester (and part of the second).  So grateful to God for sustaining me even through an all-too-frequent negative attitude.  So grateful for the good and replenishing activities I've been able to do this week.

I hope with some renewed health and energy, I will be able to post a little more often.  But however things work out, know that I plan to be with this blog long-term.  Because, well, writing is awesome.  And so are my readers.

why i'm so glad i told people earlier this time

In my first pregnancy, I had no idea what to expect.  At that time, I was in Christian ministry in a small town and was one of the most high profile people in the community.  Privacy was not readily available anyway and so this very personal experience of my first pregnancy was a secret I guarded and held close to the chest.  I waited until the end of the first trimester to tell most people.  I didn't know how my body would respond to pregnancy and was not ready to be public about something so personal.  I also closely guarded my ultimate birth plan to have a home birth, wanting to guard against negativity (since I knew I tend toward anxiety anyway).

In retrospect, I probably was right to hold those secrets close to the chest, but even so I am so glad and grateful to not be so controlling of the experience this time.  Heck, not only am I telling pretty much everyone I know, I'm also blogging about the ups and downs of this pregnancy.  I didn't wait until the end of the first trimester to tell, but only until 8 weeks in.

I have discovered that one of the most key times when a pregnant woman needs support is in her first trimester.  This is the most difficult part of pregnancy, complete with mono-like tiredness and debilitating nausea.  Hormones are high and tearfulness is common.  And yet, we so closely guard what we are going through from others.  It has been such a relief to open up and tell my friends and my church about what is going on.  No, I don't dump on everyone, but my closest friends and family know that I'm going through a pretty tough time right now.  We all know that "this too shall pass," but I also know that I need prayer, encouragement and offers of help right now.  I need to take a walk with a friend and pour out the good, the bad and the ugly.  I need to be able to write about what I am going through and process it in a way that carries me through.  I need my Bible study to be praying for me.  I need people with whom I can cry, even though I am not normally a crier.

Will all of this be worth it when the baby comes?  Of course it will!  Am I glad to be having this baby?  Of course I am (though the gladness is more intellectual right now)!  I feel for all of my friends who have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss and mean no disrespect to their experiences.  Clearly, a child is a blessing from God.  But it also takes travail to bring a child into the world.  It takes suffering.  I feel tender, overwhelmed and in need of Christian community right now.

And so, Jesus shows me how He carries me when I cannot carry myself (which all of the time, but even more clear right now).  Jesus gives me grace when my house looks like a tornado hit it.  Jesus shows me love through my husband who is picking up so much of the slack at home.  Jesus is in a friend's listening ear.  He is the offer of help watching my daughter.  He is even in my absolute need to rest and be, instead of do.  I am not alone.  And this too shall pass.

i can finally talk about it: expecting baby number two!

Last month, Christopher and I found out that we are expecting our second baby in December.  I haven't been able to blog much for two reasons: 1) Extreme exhaustion and 2) I couldn't write about what was really going on!

It's amazing how in just weeks, your body COMPLETELY CHANGES as a pregnant lady.  Circulation is affected.  Suddenly, taking a load of clothes out of the washer completely winds me.  I've been sick as a dog when it comes to morning sickness (which in my case should be called evening sickness!). 

I'll be honest...I've been struggling a lot with "receiving with thanksgiving" this first stage of pregnancy.  The exhaustion and nausea have been all-consuming and of course pregnancy brings up all kinds of self-doubt and worry as well.  And I worry about all that I am placing on my husband's shoulders (despite his gracious willingness to shoulder the burden).  I've been looking for resources online to help my attitude improve.  I've been asking for prayers for my attitude to improve.  I know that this too shall pass and I know that ultimately I am struggling with what is a difficult part of a very happy thing (a new baby), but it has been hard.  For those of you with experience in the art of weathering the first trimester, I'd love any advice and encouragement you can offer.  I will share insights I am learning as I go through as well, but for now I am not the expert.  I need to learn and grow.  (And perhaps accept the suffering that comes?)

I did begin to really embrace the joy of this pregnancy when we told Burrito the big secret on Sunday.  I'm sure she thinks that an alien has taken over Mom's body (partially true) since I've been acting so weird.  She was absolutely delighted and has been helping me get Bean's (our nickname for the baby) room organized.  She loves to hear every detail about the pregnancy and how Bean will grow and develop.  She is delighted by it all and it delights me to share with her.  It seems like throughout this time, we have gotten closer as mother and daughter.  She wants to snuggle and talk more (which I always used to wish she would do).  She wants to help.  She's even been acting a little more grown-up as we call her "big sister."  I'm so proud of the new parts of her I see emerging.

My experience with Burrito has taught me a lot.  I had many fears and worries before she was born too.  I was truly worried if I would be a good mother.  But despite some difficulties along the way, Burrito has shown me that there is truly nothing to fear.  My life is so much richer for having her in my life.  I am trying to trust in faith--believing without seeing--that the same will be true of Bean.

I'm also going to buy Creating with God: The Holy Confusing Blessedness of Pregnancy.
The author's argument?  Pregnancy is a way in which God works in us, even when it may be hard to detect His work.  The suffering we go through is not a waste but can train us in the practices of faith.  I think it will be just what the doctor ordered.

P.S. So much for the weight loss plan!

only my daughter

Things to categorize under "Only My Daughter":
--Only my daughter would get up from sleeping in bed after making a messy to CHANGE HER OWN DIAPER WITHOUT CALLING MOM
--Only my daughter would make such a mess of it that when I finally heard her crashing around her room and went upstairs, the messy was smeared into the floor...leaving me wondering CAN THIS BE CLEANED UP?  (It could)
--Only my daughter would empty half of her bath soap in the tub in an effort to clean herself and then giggle at her luck at getting a bubble bath in the middle of the night
--Only my daughter would crack me up with post-bath acrobatics
--Only my daughter would leave me with a tender heart after having been down on my hands and knees scrubbing up the most disgusting mess ever
--Only my daughter makes such gag-worthy tasks an act of love
--Only my daughter...fills my heart with love...

I don't know how it can be that we had such tender moments after this diaper cataclysm.  But we did.

You couldn't have explained this to me at all before I had kids.  It defies explanation.

I love that little stinker.

happy galentine's day!

Christopher and I are fans of the NBC comedy, Parks and Recreation.  In the sweet episode from last week, Leslie celebrates "Galentine's Day" (the day before Valentine's Day) by celebrating her female friends and attempting to find a love match for her best friend, Ann.

Well, I'm not going to try to find any of my single friends a husband; matchmaking has never been my forte!  But I do want to take this invented holiday to reflect with thankfulness on the wonderful gift of female friends in my life.

I'm afraid that for many of my single years, I didn't appreciate female friends as much as I should have.  My focus was so fully on finding a husband to love that I placed less value on female relationships.  Plus, I thought I had more in common with male friends.  How little I knew!

But the beginnings of marriage and motherhood have shown me that while a wonderful, loving husband is a gift of God, there are some parts of life that only a woman friend can understand--because your experience is her experience too!

Only a woman can understand the crazy ups and downs affecting our emotions and bodies each month.

Only a woman understands how physically connected we feel to our children, in such a way that we would kill or be killed if only to protect them

Only a woman understands the wonder of feeling a tiny baby growing within your womb.

Only a woman understands how draining it is to have birthed a new baby.

Only a woman understands the guilty feelings as she is pulled between work and home, always feeling she is letting someone down.

Only a woman understands postpartum depression.

Only a woman knows what it is like to feed another human being from her body.

Only a woman understands the anxiety of each stage of motherhood, as we struggle to figure out what is best for our children.

So....for all of my female friends who I am blessed to have in my life...thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for your kind, loving words.  Thank you for your Facebook messages and emails when I need a word of encouragement or advice.  Thank you for your phone calls.  Thank you for cooking for me when I was torn in body and spirit from the pains of labor.  Thank you for making time for me.  Thank you for encouraging me in faith.  Thank you for being a sisterhood to me.

Happy Galentine's Day, ladies!  I love you!

a love letter to my messy house

Dear Messy House,

I know I grouch and complain about you more often than I should...and I take you for granted more times than I could number.  I shout, "I CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ONE. MORE. MINUTE!!!"  I'm sorry...please forgive me.  I want to take this opportunity to tell you thank you for all you do.

Thank you for the dirty socks and discarded newspapers by the bed.

Thank you for the pile of books beneath my daughter's bookcase.

Thank you for the stickers that are, well, everywhere: stuck to my daughter's toy kitchen, washed and dried into my sweatshirts, piled on the kitchen table, strewn on the floor.

Thank you for the cluttery scattered art projects that seem to be collect dust and disintegrate everywhere.

Thank you for my husband's teetering pile of books and papers on the table by his Lazy-boy.

Thank you for the mountain of smelly laundry collecting in the hamper.

Thank you for the pine needles that are trampled in again the moment I vacuum the floor.

Thank you for the water-splashed bathroom counter.

Thank you for the Mr. Potato Head arm, the blankey, the duck umbrella, the box of markers, the toy grocery cart, the toy dishes, the single toddler slipper...that manage to find their way around the house.  Thank you for all the trips I make through the house picking up single items and restoring them to their places.

Thank you that my house is never fully clean, that it is always in a state of upheaval and clutter.

Thank you...because this means that tiny feet tramp here and there...that a squeaky musical voice is heard through this house...that a strong and loving husband absent-mindedly drops papers here and there...Thank you for your daily cluttery signs that this house, this life of mine is peopled, is inhabited, is filled with light and love.  Forgive me for my exasperation and frustration.  Yes, we need order and cleanliness, but neither will be perfect, not as long as the strong steps and the flitting tip-toes of the ones I love most are found here.  And so I will take your clutter...I will receive your dust bunnies...I will give thanks for your scattered toys.  For I once was alone and I prayed on my knees, with tears, for these people to come.  I must not forget to give thanks that they are here at last.

Thank you, messy house.

Love,
A Grateful Wife and Mother

"God sets the lonely in families..."--Psalm 68:6

This post is linked up with the Practices of Parenting Blog Carnival over at Emerging Mummy.

teaching your kids about God: devotions together

A couple of weeks ago, I began a series of occasional posts on that most important of responsibilities we have been given as a parent: teaching our kids about God.  The first post focused on how play-acting can be a helpful teaching technique with kids.  Today, I want to talk about the benefits having devotion time together, side by side.

Years ago, I remember reading a wonderful article in Discipleship Journal about how we go through seasons of life in relation to our devotional times.  The time a single college student has to spend in the Word, prayer, and worship is different from the time a young mom or dad with small children has to spend.  There are so many seasons and stages of life and we ought not hold ourselves to the standard of a previous stage of life.  The important thing is simply to be in the Bible to the best of our ability in the stage of life we are in.

Some of my mommy friends and I were recently discussing that we all struggle to even start having a devotion time because we feel we cannot get into it with the depth that we would like, the depth that we have had in the past.  The feeling that easily arises is, "Why start?"  But what we fail to recognize is that consistency is the key, not perfection.  To be in the Word regularly, even if all we can manage is a few minutes, is better than a once-monthly, stressed-out cram session.  After all, we can always add to a consistent routine.  There is room to grow, but at least there is a foundation.

What does this have to do with teaching our kids about faith, you ask?  Well, when I was growing up, my mom made a point of having me see her read God's Word.  I think, remembering that from a child's perspective, I held her up to a high standard that said somehow she managed to go in depth in the little kid years.  And so when when I couldn't figure out how to do this, I felt like a failure.  I talked to her recently about this and it seems it was more challenging than I remembered.  I began to realize that what really matters is just that I read God's Word and that my daughter sees me reading and valuing God's Word. 

About a week ago, we started a new routine at our house: Mommy and Burrito devotions together in the morning.  It all started at Burrito's initiation.  I went into her room to get her up and found her in her rocking chair with a children's Bible.  "I'm listening to God's Word," she told me.  My heart was warmed and since I was behind on my Bible reading (again), I ran and grabbed my Bible and study guide, plopped down on the floor and took this God-given opportunity. 

I caught up with my Bible reading that day and the experience was so precious that every day since then I have gone in, gotten her changed and had devotion with her.  I read my Bible.  She pages through a children's Bible of her choice.  Yes, she peppers me with whispered questions.  "Who's this, Mommy?...Is this Jesus?...What are they doing?...Are you all done with your reading?"  Sometimes I try to read the same sentence in my Bible many times before I finish it.  But we are learning a routine together and gaining mutual accountability.  We are valuing God's Word together.  Sometimes we share with each other what we are "reading."  Opportunities for teaching arise right and left.  When I finish my reading, I read her a Bible story or two.  Then we fold our hands and pray together.  We ask God's blessing on the day and we give thanks for the answers to prayer.  It's simple and it's beautiful. 

I think we will be having devotions together for a long time.

teaching your kids about God: play-acting

I may have been brought up in the Church and I may have been to seminary and Bible school, but I still have moments when I tremble before the awesome responsibility of teaching my daughter about God.  It is intimidating to think of the effect it can have in her life if I "get it wrong."  It is scary to think of how to explain faith in a way she can understand.  And it is easy to let faith teaching fall by the wayside in the midst of life's busyness.  I struggle with all those same challenges, just like all of you do.  So, from time to time, I'd like to share with you ideas that have worked for our family and helped us to pass on our faith.

The first idea I'd like to share with you is play-acting!  My daughter is a fairly dramatic young lady.  We regularly act out parts of fairy tales, particularly Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast.  One day, as we were working through Truth in the Tinsel and trying to learn the Christmas story, it occurred to me that we could act it out.  We fell into it so naturally.  I would be the Angel appearing to Mary (my daughter) and saying, "Do not be afraid, Mary!"  Mary would end by saying, "I'll do whatever God wants."  Or I would be Joseph, taking Mary to look for a place to stay in Bethlehem, but finding all the "hotel rooms" full, and then praising Mary for her strength in the midst of adversity.  Or Mary would rock a baby doll Jesus and sing to him.  Or Mary and Joseph would run away from Herod and go to Egypt.  Suddenly, my daughter was really getting into it!  And she was learning the story and learning faith lessons from the characters.  She wasn't having a faith lesson forced on her.  She was learning it organically.  Now, she pleads not only to play Princess, but also to play Mary and Joseph!

So, now we have moved on to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the Fiery Furnace.  It is a great faith lesson for following God and refusing to bow down to idols.  Burrito loves to pretend to be the 3 faithful men and come out of the furnace saying, "I didn't even get smoke on my clothes!"  She loves to proclaim to the King that she "won't sing the Bunny Song" (a la Veggie Tales).

So...want to get started with your own play-acting?  Don't worry...costumes and props are not even needed!  That's the great thing about kids; they can imagine all that stuff.  Just get out your children's Bible and pick a good story.  Read it several times with your child.  Then, start an improv of the story, together with your child.  Use modern day words to get the meaning across.  Let your child choose which character they want to play.  As you act out the story, let lessons emerge naturally.  Let creativity flourish!  Remind yourself that the people of the Bible were real people, like you and me.  I promise you will be inspired!

the blessedness of motherhood

I remember when I was pregnant with Burrito how irksome I found so many of the symptoms.  I felt "urpy" my whole pregnancy, tired most of the time, and Burrito laid on a nerve that ran down into my thigh for months.  I started losing sleep in the last trimester as I couldn't get comfortable and Burrito loved to kick me hard.  I couldn't take any medicine when I was sick or had a headache.  I couldn't take too hot of a shower, eat lunchmeat, or drink a glass of wine.  I got so sick of the deprivation.  I was excited (and scared) about the new life that was on the way, but, sister, 9 months is a long time for deprivation!

And then Burrito was born and it was such a tough delivery, and then a c-section.  Everything was hard at this point.  I got so little sleep.  Nursing hurt really bad (don't believe those Le Leche ladies who say, "If you're doing it right, it won't hurt!  Baloney!").  I felt overwhelmed all the time.  I felt alone.

And I found myself resenting the fact that there were aspects of motherhood that my husband could not share with me.  There was no taking turns in pregnancy and nursing.  There was no taking turns in the deprivations of motherhood.  When we got married, like most modern couples, we had the idea that we would cut our responsibilities down the middle and each take half of the burden.  But in the early, intense days of child-bearing, there is no way to do this.  The burden rests heavily on the mother.  Only she can do certain tasks.

And initially, only the mother is tuned into the child.  After all, she has been connected to the baby for months and has gotten a head-start with bonding.  The father cannot be blamed for this.  When I was pregnant, my husband was very excited but had a disconnect with the reality of the baby growing within my womb.  She scarcely seemed real to him until she was born.  And then I found myself waking instantly when she cried in the night.  Inexplicably, my husband was able to sleep through her cries early on.  I was so biologically connected to Burrito that I couldn't understand this at all.  In time, he caught up with the bonding I had already gotten done.  Now, if Burrito wakes in the night, sometimes he wakes up before me and hears her first.

In the early days, we found ways for Christopher to try to share the burden that I was bearing in the midst of my exhaustion and recovery.  When Burrito woke in need of a feeding as a newborn, he would go and get her, change her diaper and bring her to me.  Then he would sleep while I nursed her and rise to take her back.  This helped assuage the exhaustion a bit, but of course it could only go so far.  He also made me a big fatty, protein-laced breakfast in the mornings (I had no idea how draining nursing could be).  He did a lot of other things to help me.  Still, I found it hard at times not to resent the unequal balance in our parenting.  There was absolutely nothing he could do about it.  He could not give birth to Burrito.  He could not nurse her.  It wasn't his fault, but still I found myself bumping up against my 50/50 idea of parenthood.

I think this resentment over our role as women is the primary reason that even after the advent of the ultrasound machine and advanced scientific knowledge of the womb, women persist in saying that when life begins in the womb is a matter for religion not science.  The statement is clearly illogical.  We now know that a baby's heart begins beating by week 6.  By week 12, a baby has fingernails.  At 18 weeks, the baby can hear.  An ultrasound reveals a clearly real human being, moving about within the mother's womb.  A being who has already been given life.  Simply looking at the matter from a purely scientific, logical stand-point, without religious encumbrances, it is clear that life begins in the womb very early.  The pro-choicer's persistence in pursuing broad abortion rights despite our modern scientific knowledge flies in the face of reason.  It reveals the strong, under-girding resentment that many women (perhaps all of us at one time or another?) feel at having the burden of child-bearing laid on our shoulders.  We say that life begins when we say it does because we want this to be true.  We do not want to have a responsibility so heavy and so strong that we cannot escape it.  Not only this, but not every woman has a loving husband who would take on more of the burden of motherhood if only he could.  No, there are times when the burden of motherhood is forcibly laid on the shoulders of women through rape or perhaps, less traumatically, through the failure of birth control.  We shake our fingers at our state.  It's not fair!  Why should we have to bear this burden?  Why should we have to endure deprivation, pain, exhaustion in a way a man can never understand?  And so, we decide to ignore reality in an attempt to escape our fate.  We decide to pretend that little one in our womb is just a mass of tissues and not a real life.

In the midst of my pregnancy, I happened to read a Christian book that dealt with healthy remedies to be used while with child.  Early in the book, the author talked about the blessing of pregnancy.  I remember having a light bulb moment when I read this passage.  I was eager to have my baby, but I was so deeply frustrated with what I--and I alone--had to endure to get to this point.  The author of the book pointed out that a man can never experience the miraculousness of giving birth.  He can never feel the wonder of a living being moving within him.  He cannot bear life into the world.  And of course, he also cannot experience the wonder of the bonding that comes about through nursing.  He does not experience the strong emotional connection that this produces between mother and child.  He does not know the awe of sustaining life from his own body.

I know I am drawing in broad strokes here and I know that some women cannot--or should not--carry a baby in their womb.  Some women cannot nurse their little one.  I mean no disrespect to these ladies.  God gives us each different calls and theirs is certainly equally important, just as the call of father is equally important to that of mother.  And even when a woman cannot or should not engage in child-bearing, she is still given a unique maternal ability that is different from that of a man.  All that is real.  But, broadly speaking, what I am saying is true of women.  We have the unique burden--and the unique gift--of the connection to our child through child-bearing and nursing.  We can choose to look at it as a hassle, or as a uniquely supreme privilege.

At Christmastime, I think of Mary, who bore the greatest burden when it came to a child: the burden of being and unwed teen mother who everyone would assume was promiscuous.  This was not her choice to be pregnant.  It was thrust upon her, despite her status as a virgin.  It was not even something she tried to be open to.  It simply happened to her.  Not only did she have to experience the pain and frustrations of delivery--not to mention travel on a donkey late in pregnancy, but she had to endure ridicule by her community.  How embarrassing and burdensome her state!  But what did she say?  "Let it be unto to me according to Your will." 

I still struggle with the "inequality" of motherhood as I look into the future and wonder if God will give our family more children.  But I have the choice to focus on either the suffering or the miracle.  I hope if I am ever pregnant again, I will be able to choose the miracle more often when in those early intense days.

dispatches from the potty training edge

This past week, we began attempting potty training again, after a several month break.  I have written before  about the difficulty of potty training.  Despite many assurances from family and friends that Burrito would not be wearing diapers at her high school graduation, I was skeptical.  She seemed to not understand what it was all about.  And if she did understand, she was pretty unwilling to try.  So, I tried pushing it hard.  I tried backing off.  I tried a few days with her mostly in big girl underwear.  To no avail.  Even promises of rewards did nothing.  Some people told me she should be potty trained by now.  Some said, don't even bother to try if she's not ready.  The doctor said it was ok that she wasn't there yet (to my relief!).  Some people said take away the Pull-ups.  Some didn't.  There's a lot of advice out there and it can be confusing and fill you with self-doubt when you try to potty train your child.

But I am here to announce that FOR THE FIRST TIME...Houston, we have MAJOR progress!  I seriously am currently feeling like a rockstar Mommy.

So, about a week ago, I decided it was time to try again.  I gave her some choices: did she want stickers on a chart or on her shirt?  For some reason, she was super interested in a potty chart.  I found one here that she really liked.  I liked how it emphasized both the need to keep diaper dry (and avoid a frown face) and go on the potty (and get a smiley face sticker).  I also added the reward of chocolate chips.  This was the reward that she picked last time we tried.  She almost never got any that time though, because she didn't earn them.  It was so frustrating for her, and her lack of success made her want to try even less.  I felt bad for her.  I knew she really wanted the chocolate chips but simply couldn't seem to pull off pottying.

Well, this time it has been clicking for her.  One thing I didn't emphasize before was the need to keep the diaper dry and I think getting that concept in her head has made a difference.  We started reading It's Potty Time-Girls (Time To...).  I really liked how the book emphasized the need to stay clean and dry.  She really liked how the book had a button that made a flushing sound, followed by a little girl giggling...and giggling.

Another book that was a big hit was How to Potty Train Your Monster.  It is fully of amusing little jokes for both parents and kids.  Burrito's favorites were when the monster likes to eat a book on the potty and when he eats his bedtime story...and, of course, the closing line that says the best part about potty training is "MONSTER UNDERWEAR!"  My favorite was the reassuring joke that although most monsters are ready to be potty trained by age 200 or 300, some particularly stubborn monsters don't learn until 400!  Whew!  She has been loving having this book read to her on the potty and sometimes has had us read several it times a day.  Kind of exhausting for Mom and Dad, but at least it is a silly and fun read, even if we have it almost memorized now.  And honestly, does the line, "MONSTER UNDERWEAR!" ever get old?

So, anyway, she began to do it!  We still have a ways to go with the more difficult of the bodily functions, but it is tremendous how much progress she has made.  She started out going at least once a day.  As she discovered that she kept earning chocolate chips, stickers and lots of praise, she began to start going multiple times a day.  And then 5, 6, or 8 times a day!  And today, for the first time, she kept her diaper dry ALL DAY!  Did I mention I feel like a rock star Mommy?!

I am so proud of her, of her independence, of her learning.  And so glad that on her graduation day I'm not gonna have to worry about a diaper change!  Honestly, I'm gonna be too busy wiping tears...because I'm gonna miss her so much...

the best fix i know for tantrums

Burrito has been having more tantrums now that she is getting older.  And initially, I will admit, the sight of my child throwing herself down on the floor in rage intimidated me.  What would I do to tame this tiny hurricane of emotion?  Then I started to learn some things.

(Caveat: If I am tired or not feeling well, I go straight into reactionary mode and sometimes throw all of the suggestions I am going to give you out the window!  I'm human too!) 

First of all, I am learning that her tantrums are just her way to express her emotions.  Feeling angry is not bad; it's just what you do with it.  After all, being a child is difficult.  When I get frustrated with her, I try to empathize with how little control she has over her life.  I try to stoop down and look at the world through her perspective.  She feels frustrated and she doesn't know what to do with that emotion.  She is also self-differentiating from me (as Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend points out).  It's my job to teach her more resources to use to express her emotions (but this is better done when she is not throwing a fit...can YOU really listen to constructive advice when you're really, really upset?). 

The one training technique I DO use when she is throwing a fit is essentially to acknowledge the emotion and stay calm, but let her know that I'll engage with her again when she's done throwing a fit.  The fit is not going to get her anything, including attention.  I empathize with her feelings and I respect her need to express them, but I don't accept that that is a valid way to interact with Mom.  Also, I've found that if I try to reason with her or desperately try to get her to STOP THROWING A FIT, it will only prolong the fit, because she is getting attention and power out of it. 

You will not believe how well this works!  She stamps her feet, screams and throws herself on the floor.  I say to her, "Are you gonna throw a fit now?  Ok, let me know when you're done!"  Then I stay completely calm and ignore her.  Inevitably, the fit is very, very short and she says, "Ok, I'm done.":-)  It amazes me every time!  She doesn't feel controlled. She doesn't get undue control out of the tantrum.  Her emotions are respected but I am expecting respect for myself too.  She calms down!  It's AMAZING!

In calmer moments, I compliment her for positive expressing of emotion.  Like when I tell her "no" she can't have candy and she says a quiet, "Awww!" instead of launching into a fit.  I tell her that I appreciated she didn't throw a fit and she just expressed her emotions.  (I think it's very important for her to know and understand her emotions, by the way.  This will help her a great deal later in life.  She just needs to learn to express them appropriately, in a way that is respectful to other people.)  I also discuss with her what went wrong when she has a really bad response (like pulling hair, hurting Mom or Dad, throwing something, etc.).  I explain why this is hurtful and unkind and remind her that she wouldn't like this done to her. 

I hope these tips are helpful to you.  You may have to try a few times if you've been interacting with your child's tantrums for a while.  But I bet with some practice you can get some great results with your child as well!

Now, if I could just find as good a fix for whining!