Why We Baptized Both Our Infants: Part 3

Photo by Bonnie Hoffman.

Over the past few days, I've been sharing from my heart the reasons our family practices infant baptism, despite the fact that I grew up not believing in it.  For the first two posts, click here and here.

Now, for Part 3:
 
Christopher and I baptized our daughter as a baby and will soon baptize our son because we want them to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the faith in their hearts is God's work and not their own.  When they fall into doubts and questions of faith, we don't want them to analyze, "Did I really have ENOUGH faith"?  We want them instead to return to what God did for them when they were baptized.  We want them to remember that when they were helpless as infants, that is just when the Holy Spirit dipped into their hearts and gave them the gift of faith.  God is the subject of the sentence, not us.

We also want them to know that because they are a part of this family, faith is their heritage and birthright.  We are a family who is "in Christ."  We are together being made new.  The way we operate in our family is in constantly seeking the Lord.

I pray almost every day that God will continue to grow faith in my children's hearts.  Nothing in this world is more important than this.

So this is the way we have chosen to pass on our faith to our kids: infant baptism followed by discipleship and teaching.  A lot of my friends think differently.  They feel a conviction that their kids need to say a "Sinner's Prayer" and make a decision for Jesus.  Either way, the good news is that we are parents who want our kiddos to know and love God.  We want them to experience the blessing of salvation, the freedom of life in Christ, the unmerited favor that God's grace provides.  Some of us will dunk our kids.  Some of us will sprinkle them.  Some of us will encourage a choice for Christ.  Some will emphasize Christ's choice for us.  Either way, we are united in the knowledge that faith comes from the Holy Spirit alone (Ephesians 2:8-9).  

Our human language is so limited in trying to express the truths of Scripture.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't study the Word and try to understand its teaching.  In fact, it is crucial that we do so.  But both Lutheran theology and evangelical theology will fall short at one time or another.  Whatever we call conversion, the Holy Spirit is the One who gives faith and whenever people come to faith or deepen in their faith, it's worth rejoicing about.  I rejoice when people go forward at altar calls.  I rejoice when parents care enough about their kids to dedicate or baptize them.  If we are all centered on Jesus and on His Word, how can we lose?  My Bible study teacher said once (reflecting on Paul's teaching in Romans) that we should not argue so much in the Church on disputable matters such as all the minutiae about baptism.  She said, "Jesus said we should get baptized, so we should do that and not argue about how and when and all that."  I so appreciated that sentiment and completely agree.  

So, when we baptize our little Mr. Bean in a couple of weeks, this is why we are doing it.  But that baptism day is just the beginning.  From then on, a path of teaching and prayer remains.  Hold us in prayer as we teach our little ones just what faith in Jesus is all about.  Nothing is more important.

3 John 4: "I  have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth" (NIV).

Why We Baptized Both Our Infants: Part 2

Photo by Allen Sorbo.

Yesterday, I began a series on infant baptism and my faith story.  In a couple of weeks, we will be baptizing our little Mr. Bean.  In this series of three posts, I explain how I came to believe in and practice infant baptism.  I'd like to share our family's perspective with friends and family, and I also hope this series will be something Mr. Bean and Burrito will treasure when they get old enough to read it. 

When last we left our story, my evangelical family had begun to attend a Lutheran church as I began my young adult years.  Through my acquaintance with this church and the dedicated, faithful, and balanced pastors in it, I began to get really interested in Lutheran teaching and to study God's Word with it in mind.  I also began to study more about Martin Luther and to see myself in his story.  His story of faith was so much like my own.  He was in bondage to attempting to follow God perfectly.  As I had begun growing into my teenage years, I had fallen into bondage to this as well.  I tried desperately to follow God perfectly but always failed.  I was becoming more and more wretched.

Martin Luther's world changed when he encountered the truth that "the just shall live by faith" in Habakkuk.  He came to see that the only righteousness that counts for anything is the righteousness that Christ gives us.  Christ takes on Himself all of our sin and brokenness and in exchange, He gives us His righteousness, goodness, hope and life.  Luther was set free by this truth and little by little, it began to set me free too.  My local Lutheran church did powerful good for me socially as well.  My anxiety and depression had made me quite socially awkward.  Through my church, I had opportunities to serve and grow.  It was awesome.

And so, when my pastor suggested I attend Lutheran seminary, I initially was shocked.  But later I decided to follow through on his advice and go.  I think there were times in seminary I operated with a little too much "freedom in Christ."  But I did receive good teaching on church history and Lutheran history and theology.  I came to understand the reason behind the practice known as infant baptism.  I attended worship class where I learned how to conduct a Lutheran baptism (we practiced on a stuffed animal duck).  

I learned that much of the teaching I received as I grew up focused on something called "decision theology."  Decision theology is the idea that while we are saved through Christ alone, we also have a part to play in the conversion process.  This part is simply to say, "yes" or "no" to God's free offer of salvation.  There are definitely Biblical passages that can be used to support this idea.  But I also came to see that sometimes decision theology can lean too hard on our human involvement and exalt us more than God.  

One of my professors in seminary, Dr. Paulson, taught that we can only say no to God.  We are dead in sin before Christ comes into our lives (Romans 6).  A dead person cannot raise themselves.  They cannot make a decision for Christ.  They can only be raised by Someone from outside of  themselves.  A baby is kind of like a dead person (except that they can scream louder!).  A baby can do absolutely nothing for him or herself.  They cannot change a diaper or feed themselves or bathe themselves.  They often cannot even get themselves to sleep.  No, they need a mother and a father to perform these crucial acts for them.  Their parents help to give them physical life and the baby completely relies on their parents from day to day.  We baptize babies, in part, because they remind us of how completely helpless we all are and how reliant we all are on God for salvation, life, and every other thing.

We also baptize babies because in the New Testament, when a family would come to faith in Christ, the whole family would get baptized.  In fact, not only would children and babies get baptized as a sign of the whole family's conversion, but even slaves who were part of the household would be baptized.  In American culture in particular, we think of ourselves so individualistically, but in the world of the New Testament, it wasn't so much that just an individual converted to faith (although that certainly did happen) but families converted as well (see Acts 10:44-48, 16:15, 16:31-33, 18:8).  Think too of Joshua, who said, "But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15, NIV).  As parents, we have a profound influence on the faith of our children.  God doesn't want us to segment our faith from our children or to "let them decide what they believe when they get older."  He wants us to instill the faith which the Holy Spirit has placed in our hearts in our children as well.  

I don't want to convey the idea that there aren't times when I feel conflicted about infant baptism, however.  As a young pastor, I did several baptisms of babies and while there were spiritually engaged parents who clearly planned to raise their children in the faith as they promised during the baptism service, there were also parents who my gut told me were baptizing their babies more to please an older relative.  I exhorted them strongly that they needed to keep the promises they made to God in the baptism service.  In baptism the Holy Spirit brings faith into a person's heart.  He makes alive that which was dead.  But if the child who is baptized is not taught the riches that they have been given, those riches go to waste.  Sometimes I felt very conflicted about these infant baptisms.  But I also had to stop and remind myself that faith is not dependent on human effort--not even on mom and dad's.  It is dependent on God.  I didn't want to penalize little children from the touch of God's grace on their lives just because mom and dad were not whole-heartedly following God.  Also, the whole church promises to uphold and welcome the child in faith.  It is primarily mom and dad's responsibility to help them grow, but it is not only mom and dad's responsibility.  These things help me as I think about infant baptism.  Still, given the chance in the future, I might require more of the parents than I did in the past.  

I am also reminded that even in decision theology, sometimes people come forward for altar calls and later fall away.  People are caught up in the moment and yet don't take it seriously.  Or perhaps no one follows up with them and helps them grow in faith.  In all segments of the church, we can do more to shepherd and disciple those who are coming into the family of faith.  It's all too easy to get caught up in the mountaintop moment and then not endure to be there for a new faithling when the going gets tough.  

Stay tuned for the final part of the series, coming tomorrow!

Why We Baptized Both Our Infants: Part 1

Photo by Allen Sorbo.

In a couple of weeks, we will be baptizing our little Mr. Bean.  In this series of three posts, I explain how I came to believe in and practice infant baptism.  I'd like to share our family's perspective with friends and family, and I also hope this series will be something Mr. Bean and Burrito will treasure when they get old enough to read it.

I grew up evangelical and Pentecostal.  As time has gone by, I've grown into a mixture of the riches of that upbringing combined with Lutheran theology (Lutheran teaching about God, faith, and the Bible).

The spiritual riches of my upbringing meant that my mom made sure I had a devotion every day.  I learned to read through the entire Bible and did so multiple times.  Mom (and Dad, to a certain extent) made sure that God was a daily part of life.  We didn't just pray at bedtime, but we prayed throughout the day.  We memorized Scripture.  We were given access to the stories of great Christians from history, particularly missionaries.  These missionaries were our heroes.  Mom was always looking for opportunities to teach my brother and I about faith.  She firmly believed the words of Deuteronomy 6, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates" (NIV).  She believed that talk about God should not be relegated to the church building or to bedtime prayers.  She believed we should talk about God all day, in the most natural way possible.  Every interaction was an opportunity to teach about God.  I recently told her that she taught me so well about God that there is no way I can get away from faith.  I don't hold onto faith.  Faith holds onto me.  Or, to be more precise: God holds onto me.  

I can only hope to do as good a job as Mom did instilling faith in both my brother and I.  

But I also find myself coming to new conclusions about faith, conclusions that were not taught to me as I grew up.  I grew up believing that every person must have a definite "moment of decision" where they ask Jesus into their heart.  Then they must ask to be baptized and they must decide to do this.  Baptism was viewed as an act of obedience and discipleship whereby we show that we have turned from the darkness of sin and turned ourselves towards Christ.  My mother's baptism and conversion were counted on the same day, as she was an adult convert.  Though she had been baptized as a baby in the Methodist church, she had not continued to be discipled and taught.  Her mother had been a strong Christian but had died at a young age and my mother was always searching to connect with her mother's faith.  When she came to a saving knowledge of Christ herself, she was baptized again and she counts that as the day she became a Christian.

For me, I asked Jesus into my heart when I was on the changing table (what better place, as we know that Jesus does indeed take out the poop of sin from our lives!).  I was very young--younger than 2, I believe.  In an interesting twist, my mother got lots of doubt from other evangelicals, including her pastor at the time.  They told her, "No, she can't get saved at that age!  She hasn't reached the age of accountability!"  Nevertheless, my mother wrote the story in a journal that she kept of happenings in my young life.  She believed fervently that the faith I had expressed was real.  And she believed it was the work of God in my heart.  

It was a couple more years before I was baptized, at my request.  I had one false start before that.  I remember being toddler or preschool-aged and asking to be baptized.  But when I went to visit the deep pool that was used for baptisms at our church, I was terrified and didn't go through with it.  A while later, my dad ended up baptizing me in a lake on the 4th of July.  

(An aside: In recent times, I've come to wonder why conversion and baptism are so often separated in evangelical churches.  I can understand the Biblical case that can be made for making a decision for Christ but not the separation of baptism from conversion.  This summer, I visited a wonderful evangelical church.  Several people were being baptized that weekend, but a number of them had been previously converted to faith but now were being baptized much later.  In Scripture, baptism comes at the time of conversion.  It shows that conversion has happened.  I am still struggling to understand how this practice came about in evangelical churches.)

Moving on with my story: As I grew into my teenage years, I began to grow into a very anxious, depressive young woman.  Much of my anxiety was framed around matters of faith.  I remember going to a Lutheran church on Christmas one year during this time.  That Christmas morning, a precious little baby was being baptized.  Having grown up believing that infant baptism was absolutely wrong and fearing that this child was going to go to hell, I felt a strong urge to stand up and tell everyone what a horrible thing they were doing.  I wonder what the me of the time would have thought if you had told me that I would one day baptize both of my children as infants!

A little later, we dipped our toe into the Lutheran church again.  A different local Lutheran church was having a weekly service by the lake in Clear Lake, IA.  To be honest, we had been going to dysfunctional Pentecostal churches for a while and I think we were getting fed up with the extremes that we encountered there.  We started attending this church because we liked the service by the lake.  We kept attending because the pastors that we encountered there were balanced and trustworthy.  They were careful students of Scripture.  Little did I know it at the time, but beginning to attend that church was to be a turning point in my life in so many ways...


Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of the series, "Why We Baptized Both Our Infants"!

THE book for when your kids are making you nuts!

So since Mr. Bean's birth, I have to admit that Burrito and I have been clashing heads a bit.  I must admit that a large part of it is my fault.  During my pregnancy, I truly felt horrible most of the time, so I spent a lot of time in bed and gave in to what she wanted a lot of the time (loads of TV, anyone?).  I am feeling much, much better since having the baby but of course now he needs lots of attention.  And there are certainly times when baby coos are a more attractive option than preschooler tantrums (are you with me, anyone?)!  I was finding myself losing my temper with Burrito more and more often.  I was falling into the pattern of reacting instead of responding to poor preschooler behavior.  I was starting to forget that I am actually the parent around here!  We've all been there, right?

I was ready for a shot in the arm.  Months ago, my husband bought me the book, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days. I had read portions of the book but was finally ready to really sit down and focus on it now.  Dr. Kevin Leman's advice is simple but not easy.  What makes his book unique is the humor with which his advice is given.  When your kids are on your last nerve, you need to laugh.  You need to remember (with Bill Cosby) that "these people" (your kiddos) are crazy and that part of getting through the challenges of parenting is knowing how to laugh.

One of the best pieces of advice Leman gives in the book is this: "Say it once.  Turn your back.  Walk away."  All too often, we as parents forget that we are the God-ordained leaders of our home.  Though we are to be kind and loving leaders, we are to be leaders.  And the kiddos need to learn respect towards authority.  They need to learn that when we say to do something, we mean business.  They need to learn to listen to rather than ignore our voice when we speak.  Today's parents rightly are trying to correct parenting lacks in some previous eras by focusing on the relationship with our children, but it's certainly possible to take that course correction too far.  I realized while reading Leman's book that I was overly concerned with my daughter liking me.  This was a shocking realization, but I think tiredness and longing for some of the closeness we had in her younger years was getting to me.  All the rest that I had to take while I was pregnant and now all of the attention I was giving the baby were making me feel guilty.  So I was focusing too much on wanting to please her, or alternatively getting frustrated when she just wouldn't cooperate.  Amazingly, I'm rediscovering that when I remember I'm the mom and she's the kid, when I give her freedom to make decisions without taking it as an indictment on me, when her decisions have natural consequences, I feel that I can relax and enjoy her more.  It's almost counter-intuitive how good, calm, loving discipline frees parents to love and enjoy their kids just as they are.  But it does.  Kids are gonna misbehave and do dumb stuff.  We all did when we were kids.  But it's how we respond to them that matters. 

Dr. Leman encourages parents to carefully differentiate between "mountains" and "molehills."  Which issues are central issues which need to be dealt with and which issues are minor quirks of kid-hood?  It's important that we're not constantly on our kids' case.  Paul advises us, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, NIV).

Leman also advises that when a child does something serious like disrespect her parents, the parent simply calmly wait until the next time the child wants something (which he jokes will be in about 5 minutes since there are so many things little people can't reach!) and then calmly tell them, "No, you aren't going to do that today."  He advises that, rather than get into a power struggle over the consequence, the parent let the child work at thinking about what they did wrong so that they can grow in maturity and attentiveness to their parents.  Once they do apologize for what they did wrong, he suggests the parent forgive them but not lift the consequence.  He says what the parent is trying to do is create a teachable moment in which they have the child's full attention.  The teachable moment helps create an environment where the child will think twice the next time before he or she sasses mom or dad.

Leman suggests that the best consequences are natural consequences.  He says, "let nature take its course.  And when nature doesn't take care of the problem, you help nature along.  Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility."  For example, if your kiddo wastes time instead of getting a project done for school, don't stay up late trying to help them do it the night before.  Natural consequences.  They might get a bad grade, but they will learn a valuable lesson for life.

There is loads more good, wise advice in the pages of this easily readable book.  After reading it, I felt empowered and much more positive about my role as a parent.  I felt like, "Ok, I can do this!"  Leman writes, "Today's children need guidance.  They need accountability.  They need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions (or their inaction).  Otherwise their lives will run amok."  We aren't being mean parents to have a high standard for our kids.  We're helping to prepare them for life in the real world.  This will sometimes mean that they are upset with us, but that's ok.  If we keep the big picture in mind, we can weather the storms of parenthood.  C'mon, parents.  We can do this thing!

4.5 stars. Highly Recommended.

cloth diapering love

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I LOVE cloth diapering! 

When Burrito was born, I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I had never even changed a diaper and that I knew so little about caring for babies (I was still sure I would break one if I held him or her) that there was no way I was venturing into the confusing and messy unknown of cloth diapering.  I also didn't know how much cloth diapering had changed over the years or how user-friendly it had become.  I was aware how bad disposable diapers are for the planet: terribly difficult to break down and decompose, piling up in landfills, and such.  But for a new mom, disposable diapers were a necessary evil.  They are just so easy.

When Burrito was practically out of diapers, I went to visit a friend who had just had a new baby and she showed me how much cloth diapering had changed and how easy it was now.  No more pail of soaking poopy diapers (gross...I mean, no matter how environmentally sound it would be, I don't think you could pay me to deal with that).  No more slushing that diaper up and down in the toilet.  No more pre-folds with diaper pins (unless you want to!).  Now there were All-in-Ones (AIOs), pocket diapers, and covers with inserts.  Now there was a sprayer you could install on your toilet to spray all that nasty diaper business down the drain without a single slush in the toilet bowl.  I have to admit, my friend made me curious.  Maybe I would be able to do cloth diapering if I ever had another child.

When I got pregnant with Mr. Bean, I began to toss the idea around more.  Not only was there the environmental consideration but there was also the money we would save!  We had two incomes when Burrito was born but now we just have one.  I calculated the thousands of dollars we would end up spending on disposables versus the few hundred on cloth.  There might be something to this!

I began to talk to lots of friends who had done cloth diapering and asked lots of questions.  From the sound of it, getting a laundry routine down seemed to be the toughest part.  The different brands and types of diapers were a bit dizzying and confusing as were the range of options for laundry soap.  I found the most clarity when I visited my local natural baby store, Blooming Bellies, where I was able to inspect different types of diapers myself and ask questions.  The store owner, Jessica, provides excellent customer service and is always willing to help with questions or concerns.  She put up with my several reconnaissance visits to the store as I tried to decide whether I was really going to give cloth a go. She knows a lot about cloth diapers and shares that knowledge very generously.  She steered us toward a more affordable powder laundry soap than even the ones she sells.  She provided a discount when we finally took the plunge and bought a bunch of cloth diapering items.  It's that spirit of service that brings me back to her store again and again.

After looking over some cloth diapers in person, I decided that the GroVia Hybrid diapers, which feature brightly colored diaper shells (covers) with snap-in soaker pads, would be the best choice for our family.  What I love about these diapers is that you do not necessarily have to have a fresh diaper shell each time you change diapers.  If only the soaker pad becomes soiled, you can re-use the shell on the next diaper change.  Sometimes the shells do become soiled or wet, but this option helps reduce the cost of building up the diaper stash and extends the use of those shells a little further.

Nobody is paying me (yet) to endorse GroVia, but they really should because I will give you a whole-hearted vote of confidence.  Not only are they the cutest diapers ever, but they are also incredibly user-friendly and functional.  One of the best features of these diapers is that they come in one size.  The diaper has a series of rise snaps that enable it to be adjusted to be used for newborns all the way up to a potty-trained child, if you also buy the side-flex panels that turn the diaper into a Pull-Up.

Washing the GroVia diapers is really easy too, especially now that Mr. Bean is just on Momma milk.  I wash my diapers daily but hope to build up a big enough stash soon that I can do it every other day.  I'm almost there.  When I change diapers, I just deposit the used liners and shells in a trashcan lined with a Planet Wise pail liner.  These liners are washable, so I have two: one to wash and one to use.  I just dump my soiled diapers straight out of the liner into the washer and then throw the liner in.  I wash on warm with an extra rinse cycle, using Country Save powder detergent.  The shells are hung to dry and dry in a couple of hours.  The soaker pads go in the dryer but I have never gotten them all the way dry there; they are too thick.  Hubby installed a retractable clothes line in the bathroom and we hang the shells and half-dry soaker pads there.  We are lucky to have a window right there too and when I get some pretty bad stains, I have been opening the window to let the UV rays hit the diapers.  Even though it is only indirect sunshine, I have already gotten some amazing results on getting rid of stains.  I can't wait to hang them outside when the weather is better; that will probably really knock out the stains.  (You can't use bleach with these cloth diapers.)

We are only a few weeks into cloth diapering and I do remain humble before this new (to me) method of diapering.  But I will say this: so far, so good.  I am feeling more confident about it each day.  As I've improved the fit of the diapers on Mr. Bean and as he grows, we are getting less blow-outs (which are a reality of life even with disposables).  We will see how things go when we hit the yucky solid poops phase of diapering.  But as of now, I am feeling great about the money we are saving, the cuteness of Mr. Bean's diapered bum, and the lower impact we are having on the environment.

Yep.  I said it.  I love cloth diapering.

taking a mommy break

I was fairly apprehensive about the prospect of taking care of two kiddos at home alone once hubby returned to work.  Could I handle all the work that entailed...especially on less sleep?  How would I deal with a preschooler who was used to demanding all my time and attention while attending to the constant dependency and needs of a new baby?

I have to say, however, that things are going better than I expected.  This is why I generally follow the life principle, "Expect the worst and that way, you may be pleasantly surprised!"  (I wish I were more of an optimist but unfortunately I'm usually not.)  Anyway, although Burrito has had some bouts of jealousy and such, overall she is proving to be an excellent and helpful big sister who says multiple times a day, "Ohhhh, he's just the CUTEST baby!"  I have come to greatly appreciate the little things she does all day to help out.  She hands me things when I'm nursing and can't reach them.  She keeps an eye on her little brother while I clean up after a diaper change.  She offers to throw away a dirty diaper.  She sings to her crying brother.  She really is a blessing.

And taking care of Bean is going better than expected as well.  He is a ravenous eater so that has taken some getting used to.  I was prepared to feed him every two hours--but not every hour or hour and a half!  But he's a pretty good sleeper at night and has been since he was born, for the most part.  Even though I am not getting as much sleep as I would like, I am getting way more than I expected, so life is good.

Nevertheless, there are times each day when the walls begin to close in, when I wonder if I will ever again have a life outside of nursing and changing diapers 24/7, when I wonder if there is a world outside my little nest, when I begin to feel that even my body does not belong to myself right now.  Although I rarely left the house the first few weeks postpartum, I am learning that there is some real value in making mini "Mommy escapes" once Daddy gets home from work.  I am so blessed to live in a town where this is possible.  I can venture out for an hour or less and refresh my spirit so many ways in our town.

Sometimes it's just a trip to the grocery store or drug store and a reminder that there are other grown-ups in the world.  (I remember when Burrito was a little baby, how I would find reasons to visit our tiny grocery store in North Dakota almost daily.)  But my favorite little Mommy escape last week was an hour spent visiting the library and tramping down the street in gorgeous 40 degree temps to visit one of my favorite bakeries in town, Great Northern Foods.  I got a great big piece of their amazing chocolate torte, a treat for Burrito, and some wonderful multigrain rolls.  Books and good food...my spirits were refreshed when I returned home to a son who was ready to eat...again!  (Perhaps he is to be a foodie as well?)  I'm so grateful to live in a place where I don't have to drive a hour away to shop or do something fun...just another reason I love living in the Flathead Valley.

What about you?  What is your favorite Mommy escape?

10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby--Part 2

Yesterday, I started a post on 10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby. Here is the rest of that post:

7. Don't expect life to carry on as before, just with a cute baby in tow.  Expect life to change forever.  Before I had my daughter, I had this crazy idea that I would do my job with a cute baby in tow.  I guess I thought she would be happy and content all the time and I would just cart her around and there would be no inconvenience whatsoever.  I pictured her napping quietly in my office while I visited with people or typed away at a sermon.  Yeah.  Right.  I did try to work from home or with her in tow a lot, but it wasn't anything like I pictured.  Babies need attention.  A lot of attention.  Unrelenting attention.  They cry, poop, scream and everything in between all day long, at inconvenient times.  If you're going to take baby along to work or work from home, you're going to have to adjust your hours, hire a nanny, live near a grandparent or something.  You're not going to be able to be Supermom and do it all.  Maybe this is why Hillary Clinton once wrote a book reminding us of the African proverb that "it takes a village to raise a child."  We all need a little help.  Even stay-at-home moms (as I am now) need some help...somebody to rock the baby or entertain the preschooler while we start supper or clean the floors.  If we believed before that we could do it all, having a baby will forever humble us and deprive us of that notion.  With my second baby, as I've come to accept that I need help sometimes, I've found a lot more peace.  And I've also found a lot of gratitude for the friends and family God has put into my life. 

8. (This is a biggee.)  It's not your fault if the baby won't stop crying.  Oh the anxiety that arises when baby won't stop crying.  Especially with my daughter, I would get twisted into knots trying to figure out the crying, trying to stop it, wondering why I couldn't.  With my son, I'm at least a bit more easy-going.  I'm older and wiser (although I sometimes do still freak out...I'll be honest).  I've mostly come to realize though that babies just cry.  A LOT.  They are acclimating to the world outside the womb.  Their little brains are still developing.  You and they are still getting to know each other.  They literally feel like they are starving a lot of the time as they go through rapid growth spurts.  As their digestive system develops, they have frequent painful gas.  It's tough to be a baby.

But it's also tough to be a new mommy or daddy.  You feel like you should be able to know how to calm the baby down.  But when you have fed them, burped them, changed them, rocked them, checked for anything causing pain, swaddled them, and you still don't know why the baby is crying, it's helpful to set them carefully in their crib, take a step away and take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's not your fault if the baby won't stop crying.  Sometimes you just won't know why they are crying.  Maybe they're just in a bad mood.  Maybe they are missing the womb.  Who knows?  Go easy on yourself.  You're a good mom...a good dad.  You'll get through this.  Do the best you can and accept that you will not always be able to calm baby.

9. Trust your gut.  Ok, this is one that I was told, but it's important enough I still want to include it.  My Mom told me this when my daughter was born.  She told me that God had chosen me to be my baby's mom and hubby to be my baby's dad.  She said we should trust that God would give us the wisdom and the resources to make wise decisions for our baby.  We would receive lots of conflicting advice from people.  Some of them would be adamant in what we should do.  But we just needed to pray about decisions, talk together and come to our own decisions on what was best for our baby.  I have clung to this advice all through parenting.  And I have tried to also apply it to a gracious attitude towards others' parenting styles and methods.  Every baby and family is different.  Every kid is different.  What works for one kid may not work for another.  So much of parenting is trial and error anyway.  So, have confidence in your parenting abilities.  Don't feel like a failure if you do things differently from everybody else.  God chose you to be your child's parent.

10. Having kids may be tougher than you could imagine, but it is also infinitely more wonderful than you could imagine!  I was really apprehensive about having kids.  My husband wanted to have kids...and I did too, but he was willing to push me to make that leap of faith.  I grew up in a broken family and had a lot of worries about repeating past patterns.  I worried if I would even be a good mother.  I thought I wasn't maternal.  And yet...when those little munchkins were born, something happened to me.  I was pulled out of myself, out of my own navel-gazing into a love that was so much bigger than I was.  I'm not that touchy-feely of a person.  But these little people have changed me...for the better.  They've widened my heart, helped me to be more mellow, taught me more about service, given me confidence that I can care for children and do it well.  They've been so much more of a blessing in my life than I ever could have anticipated.  Having kids is hard and demanding and all the rest of it.  But it's also really wonderful and I'm so glad that I didn't miss out on experiencing parenthood.

So...that's my list...What about the rest of you parents out there?  What do you wish you had known before you became a parent?

10 Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby--Part 1

When my first baby was born, I probably could have written a book on the number of things I didn't know about baby care, postnatal recovery, etc.  With the birth of baby number two, there is a much less steep learning curve, but, particularly since one is a girl and one is a boy, there have still been some things that I wish someone had explained to me ahead of time even now.  There's nothing like on-the-job training but I'd also like to spare any moms-to-be the rude awakening of at least some of these unrealistic expectations if I can.  I am a firm believer that we all do better when we have realistic expectations.  Realistic expectations help us avoid perfectionism, reduce depression and have coping strategies in place when tough times come.

So, without further ado, here is my top 10 list of Things I Wish I Had Known about Having a Baby before I had said baby.  Some are from my first baby and some are from my second.

1. Regular childbirth is much much much (did I mention MUCH?) easier to recover from than a c-section.  I did know this one, but I think I focused so much on the natural aspect of childbirth (no medication!) with my first child that I didn't leave myself as open to the fact that I might need some medical help and that the chief objective of having a vaginal delivery is much more important than doing it hospital or drug free.  With my second baby, I was blessed to have a team of doctors who understood how best to help women have VBACs and although they certainly would have recommended a c-section if it became medically necessary, they would never do it to get to their golf game.  They had so many strategies up their sleeve to help women succeed if at all possible.  I did use some medication with baby number two.  The pain was to a point that it was unmanageable but the rest the medication gave me ultimately helped me succeed at getting a VBAC.  The recovery period has been rapid following normal childbirth, whereas with a c-section, my recovery took a full 8 weeks.  I also have been better able to bond with the baby, have regained energy and strength faster, and have managed to avoid the deeper depression and exhaustion that characterized my first postpartum period.  I was tempted in the midst of the exhaustion and pain of the pushing stage to just tell the doctor to give me a c-section so I could be done.  I'm so glad I didn't and I'm so glad she didn't rush to that option.

2. With that said, you can't control birth and it doesn't really ultimately matter how your baby is born.  You will love them no matter what.  Yes, vaginal delivery is better for most women's bodies and for their postpartum period, but at the same time, we are not God and this never becomes clearer to us than when we go into labor.  My first delivery was everything I hoped it would not be...nightmarishly long followed by a c-section...but even though I had a rough start, I fell in love with my daughter.  All of the pain and discomfort to have her were worth it.  Some women are unable to have vaginal deliveries, for various health reasons.  And all births are different and unpredictable.

After my daughter's birth, I had to come to a place of accepting how things had gone and that even though I had a "birth plan," birth does not really go according to plan.  It's best to know all your options, plan loosely and focus on the the fact that you are about to receive a tremendous gift...one way or another.  Knowing all your options enables you to have a "tool kit" to reach into.  The wise old nurse who did our childbirth classes this time told us, "If your pain gets out of control, that's when it's time to think about changing something."  That's when to reach into the tool kit and pick out a new tool...a new position, a new pain coping mechanism, a medication, maybe even a c-section if necessary.  Being too rigid in birth can only set you up for disappointment--or even depression.

3. Be prepared for some weird postpartum bodily stuff.  Everybody tells you about the baby blues and postpartum depression, so you probably won't be too surprised if you burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  But no one had told me about the world's longest period (lasting 4-6 weeks postpartum), the night sweats, or the rapid and sudden weight loss that can occur within a few days after birth (especially if you are nursing). Nursing and night sweats take the weight and fluid off fast.  If you gained a little extra during pregnancy, it won't completely restore you to pre-pregnancy weight, but you could lost 20-25 pounds in the matter of days.  With my first pregnancy, this scared me to death.  I thought perhaps something was wrong with me!  Be prepared for some potential anxiety, shakiness, and feeling pretty weird with that kind of rapid weight loss.  Be prepared to eat plenty of protein and calories if this happens; you will need them!  Your system should stabilize in a few days to a couple of weeks.

4. Nursing can be painful at first--sometimes very painful--even if you are doing everything correctly (take that, Le Leche!:-)).  Some women are just more sensitive than others and it does take a little time to toughen up.  It bothers me a lot when Le Leche members tell people that nursing should not hurt if you are doing everything right and if baby has a proper latch.  This is true a month or two down the road once you have toughened up and acclimated to nursing.  But it might hurt a bit or a lot at first, even if you are trying your darndest to get baby latched properly.  The pain is typically when the baby first latches on but if you have gotten blisters, it can last throughout the nursing session.  So, yes, address the baby's latch, but be patient with yourself and with the pain and soreness.  If nursing is important to you (and there are a ton of benefits to health and bonding), try giving nursing 4-6 weeks.  Generally, problems resolve by then, baby learns to suck properly, soreness begins to ease, and skin toughens up.  Also, make use of a lactation consultant if you can, use cloth nursing pads (much less abrasive than the disposable ones), and try lanolin or natural nipple cream.  Finally, if you experiencing cracking or blisters, soaking the affected area in warm salt water after nursing is soothing and helpful in promoting healing.  This was a life-saver for me the first time around!

5. Be prepared for the amount of time you will spend nursing--at least 8-12 times per day for at least 30 minutes each time.  Baby will eventually get more efficient at nursing.  He or she will fall asleep less and get more focused.  And your body will adjust to providing baby the proper amount of milk.  But initially it is a huge time commitment.  Not only that but your little baby liposuction machine will be sucking fat out of your body so fast that you will have never been so hungry or thirsty in your entire life.  Drink a full glass of water as often as you can and get multiple high-energy snacks throughout the day (trail mix, yogurt, cheese sticks, granola bars, cookies, apples and peanut butter, bagels and cream cheese, etc.).  A depleted mom is not a happy mom.  Early on, I find myself looking at my job as two-fold: feed baby all day and feed myself all day.

Although baby will eventually become more efficient at nursing and will drop feedings little by little, for as long as you are nursing, it is still a big commitment of time and energy.  I was totally unprepared for this with my first baby. Nursing is a supply and demand game, so a person has to do it regularly to ensure enough milk supply.  This means feedings can very rarely be put off without consequences.  Yes, you can have a dinner date with hubby and leave a bottle for the sitter.  But if you don't nurse or pump every few hours, one way or another, your supply is going to start dropping.  Finding a way to combine nursing or pumping with work schedules is one of the most challenging things a modern mom has to do.  And in our culture, there are many times it's well nigh impossible.  It was a huge challenge for me to nurse and work with my first daughter--and I had a very flexible schedule.  I can't imagine how women with more rigid schedules manage to do it!  Still, if you can do it, it's worth doing.  My daughter had almost no sickness in the 17 months I nursed her.  My newborn did not catch the colds that we had in the house right after he was born.  And the benefit to bonding is outstanding.

If you can't manage nursing, though, no guilt!  We all have to think and decide what is best for our families and if it is killing you to nurse, it might be time to stop.  Again, a depleted mom is not a happy mom.  Being depleted affects the baby too.  No child care decisions are perfect and we all do the best we can.  The best thing we can do for other women is support them in the difficult choices they make about such a wide range of baby-care decisions.  Being a mom is tough and all of us need more encouragement, not more criticism.

6. Baby boys eat more.  A lot more.  After my son was born a month ago, I was shocked at the constant feeding he wanted to do!  I mentioned to my friends that he wanted to eat every hour, oftentimes.  Their response was, "Oh, that's boys!"  Apparently, everyone else was aware that boys eat a ton more than girls and often go into marathon nursing sessions.  Nobody bothered to tell me though!  I was prepared for the more regular every 2-3 hours feedings my daughter did.  Nope.  Most of the moms of boys that I've talked to since Bean was born have said their sons did the same marathon nursing sessions.  Now I know!

To be continued tomorrow....

adventures in pregnancy: mr. bean

Pregnancy has not been good for blogging.  I thought it might be.  I mean, I could whine and moan about the discomforts of pregnancy for NINE WHOLE MONTHS, right?  Ample material!  But...I also started to think of how SICK of my whining my friends and readers would get...and how sad my friends who struggle with conceiving might feel...and how STINKIN' TIRED I would be--so tired that even spending time whining and moaning seemed as though it might take too much energy.  I remember after my first trimester how I knew I was beginning to feel a bit better because the idea of watching a TV show downstairs on the couch was not so overwhelmingly exhausting (I'd been crashing in bed many hours a day).  LAYING ON THE COUCH was exhausting!  I mean, seriously!  Who can blog?

Not to mention that my blog definitely takes a food slant and just try writing about food when you can't stomach food.  Just, ew.  Gross.

I have barely cooked for my family in months.  Yep, that's right.  Me.  Flathead Mama.  Foodie.  More often than not, I find myself getting take-out or making a big salad for dinner.  Or a sandwich.  Mmmmmm....  Garlic has become persona non grata, which eliminates basically all of my recipes except dessert (although if I had found a way to add garlic to dessert, that probably would be part of my repertoire too!).  The first trimester, I couldn't cook or even stand cooking smells in the house.  I was craving chili one day and I made my husband cook it on the barbecue grill.  A few friends brought me casseroles.  BLESS THEM.  Because of them, my family could actually eat a few home-cooked meals!  And Sweet Peaks...Oh, God bless Sweet Peaks...their creamy, homemade ice cream was one of the few things that tasted really good.  Hence, my visits about three times a week.  No exaggeration.

And then...just as the afternoon sickness of nausea began to abate, I got a bad sinus infection that turned into a cough that made me throw up (which, strangely enough, I had never done from pregnancy nausea...in either pregnancy!).  And then I got food poisoning and had diarrhea for 4 days.  I was reminded of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."  Haha.  In a way, it was good.  I had gained a little weight before getting pregnant.  This equaled me out a little bit.  Look on the positive side, I guess.  I wouldn't recommend 4 days of diarrhea as the best diet ever though.  Don't try this at home.

I got so depleted, I started having what almost felt like contractions.  So I had to get checked out at labor and delivery.  There was enough instability that they ordered an ultrasound.  But ultimately, baby was found to be staying put.  I went home, rested, stayed in bed (some more) while my husband did basically everything (some more).  BLESS HIM.  Without him, I probably couldn't have gotten well.  But I did.

The last week or so has been good.  We have done more fun things in the last week than in practically the whole pregnancy combined.  (Arts Festival!  Swimming at the lake!  Farmer's Market!  Thursday Fest in Kalispell!  Movie with the hubby!)  I'm tired and sore these days (and suffering from more allergies than usual), but functional.  And we found out this week that our baby Bean is a boy, so we have taken to calling him Mr. Bean.  I'm feeling him move more and more and so grateful to have gotten this far.  So grateful for the husband, daughter, family, and friends who have helped me through the hormones and sickness and difficulties of the first trimester (and part of the second).  So grateful to God for sustaining me even through an all-too-frequent negative attitude.  So grateful for the good and replenishing activities I've been able to do this week.

I hope with some renewed health and energy, I will be able to post a little more often.  But however things work out, know that I plan to be with this blog long-term.  Because, well, writing is awesome.  And so are my readers.

thankfulness in pregnancy

My head is tired but my heart is full.  God has been so good to me and to our family. 

I admit that I find it hard to feel thankful when the tears are a-comin' and the nausea is a-buildin'.  I forget my blessings and languish.  I become convinced that I will feel this way forever.  I gaze in dismay at the mounds of laundry, the scattered toys, the dirty floors.  I forget.

But God's mercies do not stop.  He brings me a husband who takes every chance he can to watch our daughter so that I can rest and yield to the solitude for which my soul and body are crying out.

He gifts me with the precious prayers of friends, who hold up my hands like Aaron and Hur holding the weary hands of Moses above the melee of the battle.

He blesses me with a daughter who (despite her bad days such as today) is really trying to be understanding of how tired and sick her mother feels.  Just last week, I was lying in bed with Burrito watching cartoons beside me.  She had not napped and now she wanted a snack!  I was near tears in exhaustion and self-pity.  Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone?  I got her graham crackers and snapped, "I wish someone would fix me a snack!"  Had I said that to my husband or to any man for that matter, they may have missed the request.  But my daughter is a woman in the making.  She gets hints!  (Hooray!)   "I can fix you a snack!" she said.  I requested yogurt and she went right down and got it for me.  And then I teared up again...she did care about me, the sweet girl!  It was just yogurt but it meant a lot more to me.

God has blessed me with friends who listen to me as I struggle through this first trimester, listen graciously, with compassion, and with the knowing that comes with having already walked this path.  Even my most negative feelings find a sympathetic ear.  These women understand.  They've been there.  And how precious to talk to them in flesh and blood.  Not on the computer.  Not on the phone.  They are with me.  They have time for me.  I am so grateful, for it has not always been this way.

God has blessed me with those who have offered to help.  Friends have offered to help me clean house, to watch Burrito, and one even brought me dinner (the first home-cooked meal I'd had in quite some time).  To ease my nausea, she cooked it at her house first so I didn't have to smell food cooking.  And that night the nausea began to abate.

God has blessed me so much.  I am grateful too that my friends have seen me when I was not such a basket case!  But nevertheless, they have loved me right where I am.  So has my husband.  So has my daughter.  I am blessed. 

be careful that you do not forget...

I got my fresh start in the Flathead Valley over a year ago now.  I moved here in late December of 2010, exhausted, depleted, disheartened, sad, and lonely.  Since then, so many wonderful things have happened.  I returned to my writing roots (which I had had almost no time to devote to during my time in ministry).  I started my blog.  I started doing some copywriting and copyediting.  I got to stay home with my daughter and enjoy making countless wonderful memories with her.  I made friends--wonderful, honest, authentic, welcoming, caring, Jesus-centered friends.  I had great opportunities to use my spiritual gift of teaching through MOPS and Bible studies at church.  I got to connect with members of my church who are just as excited about Jesus' mission on earth as I am and brainstorm ways to live that mission out.  I got to enjoy the beauty of this area--snow-covered mountains and tamaracks and sparkling lakes.  I felt myself coming alive again.  I started to heal from some hurts of the past.

But it's amazing how a person starts to get used to God's blessings.  I think that I do this with my husband as well.  I so easily forget how lonely I was as a single person, how I prayed on my knees with tears, asking God to send me a husband.  I so easily forget worrying that I would die alone.  I so easily forget wondering if I was destined to be single forever.  And now I have a tremendously wonderful husband, who consistently shows me God's love, who is compassionate and kind, who helps me in so many ways around the house, who listens to me without judgment, who understands me better than perhaps anyone...and I easily forget how that is not a normal thing.  That this is a given thing.  That this is a gift.  I so easily pass him by and think he gives me my due.  But in truth, he gives me much more than I deserve.  I pass him by so often like a woman who's gotten used to living by the Grand Canyon.

I get used to God's other blessings too.  God wants me to stop, pay attention, and remember what tremendous gifts He has given me in my life.  Rather than get annoyed with the ways my daughter gets in the way of my plans, God wants me to stop and contemplate the mystery that is an entire human being that one day was not and then one day was.  God wants me to be reverent and joyful and watch as He continues to fashion her, His masterpiece.  I am on the cusp of the flower unfolding.

I have my husband, my daughter, Montana, my friends.  There was a time when I did not have any of these things.  I am thankful.  I am thankful for what I have been given. 

"When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you--a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant--then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."--Deuteronomy 6:10-12 (NIV)

only my daughter

Things to categorize under "Only My Daughter":
--Only my daughter would get up from sleeping in bed after making a messy to CHANGE HER OWN DIAPER WITHOUT CALLING MOM
--Only my daughter would make such a mess of it that when I finally heard her crashing around her room and went upstairs, the messy was smeared into the floor...leaving me wondering CAN THIS BE CLEANED UP?  (It could)
--Only my daughter would empty half of her bath soap in the tub in an effort to clean herself and then giggle at her luck at getting a bubble bath in the middle of the night
--Only my daughter would crack me up with post-bath acrobatics
--Only my daughter would leave me with a tender heart after having been down on my hands and knees scrubbing up the most disgusting mess ever
--Only my daughter makes such gag-worthy tasks an act of love
--Only my daughter...fills my heart with love...

I don't know how it can be that we had such tender moments after this diaper cataclysm.  But we did.

You couldn't have explained this to me at all before I had kids.  It defies explanation.

I love that little stinker.

fun winter day activity: molasses-on-snow candy

Molasses drizzled on fresh, clean snow.

Burrito and I have been trying to come up with fun winter's day activities.  We have been reading the wonderful series of children's picture books based on the original Little House Books by Laura Ingalls Wilder (for example: A Little Prairie House (Little House)).  The pictures are beautiful and the stories are just the way I remember.  It's been wonderful to share those memories with her.  We recently read Christmas in the Big Woods (Little House) and Burrito was fascinated by the molasses-on-snow candy that Laura and Mary made.  When it snowed heavy and thick this week, she suggested that we make the candy.  So, I dug out The Little House Cookbook and looked up the recipe.  It's very simple: 1 cup of molasses, plus 1/2 cup of brown sugar.  You prepare pans of snow and set them outside to be ready when the mixture gets hot.  You mix and heat the molasses and brown sugar until it boils and then turn it down to medium heat.  You heat the mixtures until it is 245 degrees, stirring frequently to be sure not to burn it.  Then, you bring in your pans of snow, drizzle the mixture across the top (I used a measuring cup with a pour spout so that Burrito could pour too), and let the candy harden.  When it has cooled and hardened, you break the candy into bite-sized pieces.

The finished product!

A couple of tips: if you drip the molasses mixture anywhere, it will make a terrible mess!  Be prepared to use some elbow grease and some vinegar to scrub it off.  Secondly, if you keep the candy in too warm a place, it will slowly melt back down to liquid.  So, eat what you want and eat it fast!:-)  Delish!

dispatches from the potty training edge

This past week, we began attempting potty training again, after a several month break.  I have written before  about the difficulty of potty training.  Despite many assurances from family and friends that Burrito would not be wearing diapers at her high school graduation, I was skeptical.  She seemed to not understand what it was all about.  And if she did understand, she was pretty unwilling to try.  So, I tried pushing it hard.  I tried backing off.  I tried a few days with her mostly in big girl underwear.  To no avail.  Even promises of rewards did nothing.  Some people told me she should be potty trained by now.  Some said, don't even bother to try if she's not ready.  The doctor said it was ok that she wasn't there yet (to my relief!).  Some people said take away the Pull-ups.  Some didn't.  There's a lot of advice out there and it can be confusing and fill you with self-doubt when you try to potty train your child.

But I am here to announce that FOR THE FIRST TIME...Houston, we have MAJOR progress!  I seriously am currently feeling like a rockstar Mommy.

So, about a week ago, I decided it was time to try again.  I gave her some choices: did she want stickers on a chart or on her shirt?  For some reason, she was super interested in a potty chart.  I found one here that she really liked.  I liked how it emphasized both the need to keep diaper dry (and avoid a frown face) and go on the potty (and get a smiley face sticker).  I also added the reward of chocolate chips.  This was the reward that she picked last time we tried.  She almost never got any that time though, because she didn't earn them.  It was so frustrating for her, and her lack of success made her want to try even less.  I felt bad for her.  I knew she really wanted the chocolate chips but simply couldn't seem to pull off pottying.

Well, this time it has been clicking for her.  One thing I didn't emphasize before was the need to keep the diaper dry and I think getting that concept in her head has made a difference.  We started reading It's Potty Time-Girls (Time To...).  I really liked how the book emphasized the need to stay clean and dry.  She really liked how the book had a button that made a flushing sound, followed by a little girl giggling...and giggling.

Another book that was a big hit was How to Potty Train Your Monster.  It is fully of amusing little jokes for both parents and kids.  Burrito's favorites were when the monster likes to eat a book on the potty and when he eats his bedtime story...and, of course, the closing line that says the best part about potty training is "MONSTER UNDERWEAR!"  My favorite was the reassuring joke that although most monsters are ready to be potty trained by age 200 or 300, some particularly stubborn monsters don't learn until 400!  Whew!  She has been loving having this book read to her on the potty and sometimes has had us read several it times a day.  Kind of exhausting for Mom and Dad, but at least it is a silly and fun read, even if we have it almost memorized now.  And honestly, does the line, "MONSTER UNDERWEAR!" ever get old?

So, anyway, she began to do it!  We still have a ways to go with the more difficult of the bodily functions, but it is tremendous how much progress she has made.  She started out going at least once a day.  As she discovered that she kept earning chocolate chips, stickers and lots of praise, she began to start going multiple times a day.  And then 5, 6, or 8 times a day!  And today, for the first time, she kept her diaper dry ALL DAY!  Did I mention I feel like a rock star Mommy?!

I am so proud of her, of her independence, of her learning.  And so glad that on her graduation day I'm not gonna have to worry about a diaper change!  Honestly, I'm gonna be too busy wiping tears...because I'm gonna miss her so much...

where love comes from

This week's episode of House was entitled "The Confession."  In it, a man named Bob Harris is given a community service award but within hours engages in adultery and collapses in medical distress while with his mistress.  His wife and community are unaware of his dalliance, but he becomes guilt-stricken.  As the episode progresses, it appears that Bob needs a liver transplant from a living donor (a risky surgery at best).  Because he is well-loved in the community, scores of people show up to get tested and see if they are a donor match.  But Bob is filled with shame and decides he must confess to them his misdeeds before they donate an organ to him.  He feels it is not fair to ask this sacrifice of them unless they know the true nature of the scoundrel to whom they are donating.

So, he publicly confesses not only his affair, but also other misdeeds.  Cheating people.  Stealing.  Gambling.  All but two people walk away, disgusted.  And the two who remain are not matches. 

There's more to the episode, of course, but this episode called to mind the question that is hidden deep down at the bottom of our psyche: "If someone really knew me, inside and out, including all of my sins and my ugly thoughts and everything about me that I am ashamed of, would they truly love me?"  And beyond that, there is the niggling question, "If they don't know all of these things about me, can their love be genuine?"

In reality, it would be impossible to show someone every ugly thing about us that lies deep within.  Absolute confession and honesty are impossible, because they can also be relationship-destroying and personality-destroying.  Although we try to be as authentic and honest as possible, at the end of the day we cannot fully know another person's soul.  We can get only so close, only so intimate.  There is a part of us always hidden from the world's view and such is the alienation of being a sinful being.

But in answer to that first question, if it is possible to be fully known and still fully loved, the answer is yes.  There is One Being who knows us completely and loves us entirely. 

I remember the first time I realized that I Corinthians 13 is not first and foremost a description of the state of absolute love into which we are to work ourselves as human beings.  No, it is first and foremost that state of being in which God exists.  Have you ever read this chapter and replaced the word "love" with the word "Jesus"?  It's transformative.  You will never look at this chapter the same again.  Rather than being a litany of my failings, I Corinthians 13 becomes a powerful poem of how this Jesus loves me.  "We love because He first loved us."

How quickly I forget this truth.  I search the Scriptures, I search my mind for the answers of how to whip myself up into a state of absolute love.  As a sinful being, I cannot do this.  I fall down in shame, realizing how loveless I am.  I despair.  And then God's love hits me between the eyes.  "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

It hit me between the eyes this morning.  I was despairing over my so often loveless state today.  I wanted to read my Bible to find some answers, some moral motivation.  And as she is wont to do, my daughter called out to me from her bedroom.  I sighed and gathered up my Bible, hoping to read at least a few verses in her room while she lazily prepared to get up for the day. 

Burrito noticed my face, that it was sad.  "Don't be sad," she said.  "I'm sad when I think of all my sin,"I replied.  In a momentary step away from good theology (but give her a pass; she is three, after all), she told me, "Sin is not bad" (this being an attempt to explain away the problem and make me feel better).  I told her, "Sin is bad because it's those bad things in our hearts that turn us away from God, remember?" 

She replied, "Jesus died on the cross and He loves ya!"  

Oh those simple words.  I teared up.  It sounds silly to say, but I felt absolved, forgiven.  I felt God speaking to me through this little child.  I felt changed by this love.  My heart, in the words of Wesley, was strangely warmed.

In the end, all of the theologizing and moral attempts to be better fall flat before this most simple of Gospel preachings: "Jesus died on the cross and He loves ya!"  Jesus knows all of my failings.  He knows me inside and out.  There is no other person who has ever known my every thought, my every feeling, my every sin.  And there is no other person who has loved me enough to die for me.

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

I still need the Gospel.  I need it every day.  I need the simple Gospel, spoken through a child.

the best fix i know for tantrums

Burrito has been having more tantrums now that she is getting older.  And initially, I will admit, the sight of my child throwing herself down on the floor in rage intimidated me.  What would I do to tame this tiny hurricane of emotion?  Then I started to learn some things.

(Caveat: If I am tired or not feeling well, I go straight into reactionary mode and sometimes throw all of the suggestions I am going to give you out the window!  I'm human too!) 

First of all, I am learning that her tantrums are just her way to express her emotions.  Feeling angry is not bad; it's just what you do with it.  After all, being a child is difficult.  When I get frustrated with her, I try to empathize with how little control she has over her life.  I try to stoop down and look at the world through her perspective.  She feels frustrated and she doesn't know what to do with that emotion.  She is also self-differentiating from me (as Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend points out).  It's my job to teach her more resources to use to express her emotions (but this is better done when she is not throwing a fit...can YOU really listen to constructive advice when you're really, really upset?). 

The one training technique I DO use when she is throwing a fit is essentially to acknowledge the emotion and stay calm, but let her know that I'll engage with her again when she's done throwing a fit.  The fit is not going to get her anything, including attention.  I empathize with her feelings and I respect her need to express them, but I don't accept that that is a valid way to interact with Mom.  Also, I've found that if I try to reason with her or desperately try to get her to STOP THROWING A FIT, it will only prolong the fit, because she is getting attention and power out of it. 

You will not believe how well this works!  She stamps her feet, screams and throws herself on the floor.  I say to her, "Are you gonna throw a fit now?  Ok, let me know when you're done!"  Then I stay completely calm and ignore her.  Inevitably, the fit is very, very short and she says, "Ok, I'm done.":-)  It amazes me every time!  She doesn't feel controlled. She doesn't get undue control out of the tantrum.  Her emotions are respected but I am expecting respect for myself too.  She calms down!  It's AMAZING!

In calmer moments, I compliment her for positive expressing of emotion.  Like when I tell her "no" she can't have candy and she says a quiet, "Awww!" instead of launching into a fit.  I tell her that I appreciated she didn't throw a fit and she just expressed her emotions.  (I think it's very important for her to know and understand her emotions, by the way.  This will help her a great deal later in life.  She just needs to learn to express them appropriately, in a way that is respectful to other people.)  I also discuss with her what went wrong when she has a really bad response (like pulling hair, hurting Mom or Dad, throwing something, etc.).  I explain why this is hurtful and unkind and remind her that she wouldn't like this done to her. 

I hope these tips are helpful to you.  You may have to try a few times if you've been interacting with your child's tantrums for a while.  But I bet with some practice you can get some great results with your child as well!

Now, if I could just find as good a fix for whining!

if only magic would work!

Today, I went to buy some new clothes.  And as I tried them on in the fitting room, I came to see through the multi-mirror view that I now have shall we say "cute baby chubs" despite my not being the aforementioned cute baby.  Since I have always been a very slim girl with a high metabolism who could eat almost anything I wanted (yes, I know...hate me!), it came as a bit of a shock.  I have been eating a lot of butter lately and not exercising much, so I guess it shouldn't be much of a surprise, but I've not had much trouble in the past with the same scenario.  I guess you can blame the famous slowed-down metabolism of aging!  I came out and asked my husband why he didn't tell me that I had these not so adorable rolls.  He claimed not to have noticed (bless the man!).  I was discussing this with him while Burrito was eating dinner tonight and upon finding out that I was upset that I had these "chubs" going on, she promptly got out her pretend wand a la Fairy Godmother, shook it over me, and said, "Bibbidi Bobbodi Boo!"  If only....If only...:-)

self-care for moms

I think that one of the toughest challenges for us as Moms is make sure that we give ourselves good care.  We tend to put ourselves last on the list and then after we neglect ourselves over and over again, we eventually get to the point where we get so resentful of not having our needs met that we explode!  Well, at least that's how it works for me sometimes. 

There are some ways in which I'm great at self-care and some ways in which I seriously stink.  Have you ever heard the HALT acronym?  It tells us to never let ourselves get too "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired."  Trouble will result when we allow that to happen.  I routinely let myself get in these states, however.  One of my biggest offenses is letting myself get too hungry.  This was particularly true when Burrito was a baby.  It seemed that I never got enough to eat or drink and I would get ravenously hungry and then I would start getting angry.  Sigh.  I'm trying to learn to remember to eat enough.  Unfortunately, now that I'm remembering and Burrito isn't nursing anymore, I find I am gaining a little bit of weight.  Not an insane amount, but still.  Now, I must remember not just to eat, but to eat more vegetables and fruit!

Here are the top 5 self-care practices that I find important to making sure my "cup" is filled.  Unless I am filled up, I find I don't have a lot to give out.

After you read my list, please share your list!  What are your top 5 self-care practices?

1. Reading the Bible.  My husband and I generally read the Bible at night together before going to bed.  We tend to read through whole books.  Right now, we are in the Gospel of Luke.  We read a small portion, discuss it and say our prayers.  I'm searching for a better way to do a personal time of Bible reading, however.  After all, we are pretty tired when we read the Word at night.  Still, I'm glad that we do.  I find it even more helpful to attend a regular Bible study in town.  I gather with some other moms who are in the same stage of life and there is free child care.  I get a lot out of this undistracted time of studying God's Word.

2. Sleep.  I think I've written before about my battles with insomnia.  Until I went through this trial a couple of years ago, I don't think I realized how precious sleep is.  I know I definitely appreciated it much more now.  I usually get around 8 hours of sleep at night.  And it feels good!

3. Community.  I find that I get a little weird when I'm not in community.  I need people around me, friends to talk with, to joke with, to share my heart with.  If I don't have people with whom I regularly share my life, people in the flesh, then I start getting really in-drawn and depressed.  But I feel most whole when I have people to talk to.

4. Eating.  Like, whole grains, protein, veggies and fruit.  It's so easy to forget to eat this stuff but it's amazing how some apples dipped in peanut butter or a piece of cheese will pick me up.  If I'm getting grouchy, I need to remind myself to eat something healthy. 

5. Doing things I love.  That means, reading for fun!  I have a huge list of books I hope to check out from the library all the time.  I love to read...especially dramatic plots and books that open my world up to understand things differently.  I love how reading makes me a better writer.  And so writing is also a very important part of self-care for me.  Writing is like my third arm.  It's been a part of me since I was a little girl and I am not whole without it.  And in the category of things I love is also the enjoyment of good movies and TV shows.  There's something very relaxing for me as an introvert in curling up on the couch and enjoying a favorite show.  It's great to have that down time when nothing is required of me. 

So, those are my 5.  What are yours?

your mommy "sweet spot"

There are many times as a mother when I feel that I am not good enough.  For example, I stand in awe of "crafty moms."  They know how to do things with beads and buttons and glue guns that I can't even envision.  Granted, having Burrito has made me a little more open to crafty things.  We color and paint and I haven't really done that since I was a kid.  But sometimes I look at other moms who can really come up with all kinds of creative, adorable projects and sew their kids' clothes and I just feel, well, inadequate. 

But I'm coming to realize that there are strengths I have that other moms don't.  For example, a lot of moms don't like to cook.  They don't feel confident in it and haven't had their moms teach them to do it.  They may be great at teaching their kid to horseback ride or dance, however.  They may be fantastic at coming up with kid games.  They just have other strengths.

Well, for me, cooking is one of my very favorite things to do with Burrito.  She's getting to the stage where she loves to stand on a chair next to me while I cook and either help me or ask about every step of the process.  I suppose this might annoy some moms.  And the constant questions annoy me in other tasks.  But not with cooking.  I feel pretty confident with cooking.  Most of the time, I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.  And I think I'm pretty good at teaching cooking too.  Burrito knows by now that we spoon out the flour and smooth it over with a knife.  She knows why we put bay leaves in the flour container  (to keep the weevils out!).  She has been taught why we put the pie crust in the fridge before rolling it out.  She knows that yeast and time make bread rise.  It's so much fun for me to teach her, too.  I love her eager, open mind and her enthusiasm for cooking.  I like to think that she gains some of that enthusiasm from my delight in cooking.  It brings me joy to share one of my favorite activities with her and to know that she is gaining a life skill that will serve her well down the road.

My second sweet spot as a mom is in taking Burrito to the library.  She has already caught Mommy's attitude toward this most wonderful place on earth and always comes home with lots of books.  No matter how many books either of us have, we always want more.  She often spends lots of time in her room, before sleeping or when she wakes up, sitting and paging through books quietly.  I love her enthusiasm for books.  And she's already recognizing most of her letters (thank you, Super Why!) and even an occasional word.  I love her love of words, stories and beautiful pictures.

My third sweet spot as a mom is taking Burrito to interesting cultural and artistic experiences.  In our town, we have an art museum and every time there is a new exhibit, we stop by to look at it.  Some of them interest her more than others, but sometimes she requests to stop by, rather than just me suggesting it.  I think she is getting something out of it and I love the opportunity to expose her to the arts and beautiful things.  We also have great theater in our area, including Children's Theater.  I love taking her to see plays (which she, amazingly, mostly sits still for).  And then there are fun experiences like food festivals, farmer's markets, museums, and live music.  And soon, I hope to take her to her first ballet.  I love being able to share a rich cultural experience with my daughter and I love seeing her enthusiasm for the arts.  It's beautiful seeing it through her eyes and we almost always make a great memory together.

No, I can't do great arts and crafts.  I can't sew.  I'm not the best home decorator.  But I'm pretty darn good at cooking with my kid, reading with her, and exposing her to great cultural experiences.  I'm learning that every mom has strengths and weaknesses.  Every kid will miss out on some stuff.  Every kid will have some special experiences.  And kids catch your enthusiasm for what you love. 

So, I'm curious...what is your mommy "sweet spot"?  Please share! 

what i tell myself on the difficult days

Let's be honest.  Being a mother is not a piece of cake.  There are days (like this week) when Burrito spits up all over the car seat. Gross.  (I remember spitting up all over the car too when I was a kid.  Mom, how did you ever get that smell out?)  There are days when Burrito nags me constantly...she wants a snack...she wants me to play with her...she wants to watch a show...she dramatically throws herself on the floor if she doesn't get her way.  She won't let me accomplish simple tasks.  I get exasperated.  I miss the days when I could curl up with a book anytime during the day and no one would bug me.  I miss owning my own time.

There are days when she has sleep disturbances or refuses to go to sleep.  There are days when I am exhausted and have trouble finding the energy for her.

But on those days, I try very hard to remind myself of one simple fact.  I try to remind myself that one days I will long for these days.  And one kiss of those pudgy cheeks, one sweet, "You're my precious Mommy," one cuddle over a story time and it all comes back to me.  These days are so fleeting.  They will be over and done before I can catch my breath.  All older parents say this.  They say they just wish they had slowed down and enjoyed the little kid days.  They say they can't believe how fast it went.  They warn me.  "You will long for these days one day."  I say to it myself over and over again.

Yes, I try to listen.  And I listen not only because life goes fast but because it is fragile.  With grief, I hear of the heartbreaking journeys of mothers and fathers in Somalia, journeys to get their many children to food and water.  I read of how some parents have had to leave dying children by the side of the road in order to save others.  I shudder.  I can't imagine such a world.  A world in which parents have to make such choices.  My heart goes out to them as they are haunted by their decisions.

In recent days, as I think of the fragility of life, as I mourn for the lost children of Somalia, as I pray for the children and their parents, as I organize a fundraiser to help them, Burrito has become even more precious to me.  I hold her close.  I sit and play with her.  I read her stories.  And I drink in the precious life that is given to me in her.  I don't know why God allows the mothers of Somalia to suffer so with their children and why mine is healthy and strong.  I want their children to be healthy too.  I want their children to thrive too.  I don't know why, but I give thanks and I seek to cherish my child, to remember what a gift she is.

Life is fast and life is fragile.  May we treasure our children, our families, our time.