Book Review: What a Son Needs from His Mom

So, I had a baby boy four months ago.  And this happening prompted the reflection: What the heck do I know about boys?!  I knew there were a lot of things I could do wrong.  I just didn't have any idea what the right things were to do as the mother of a little being so entirely different from me.  Yes, love the little bugger.  But how?

Just as I was in the midst of musing over these questions, this book by Cheri Fuller came before me for review.  I immediately snatched up a review copy and read it quickly, underlining a lot.  What a Son Needs from His Mom is a book chock-full of wisdom and good advice for moms who are raising sons.
In this book, Fuller provides wisdom on topics as diverse as faith, confidence, communication, emotions, and school.  She provides a lot of anecdotes from moms of boys, as well as comments and stories from the boys themselves on what their mothers did that was helpful or not helpful for them.  Through her own journey as a mom to boys, Fuller helps moms understand how best to relate to a masculine personality.  

Confidence and formation into a strong young man as the goal is a strong theme in this book.  Fuller advises gradually releasing our sons and trusting them to make the right decision instead of overly controlling their decisions.  Helpful to me was her discussion of how off-putting over-protection due to a mother's fears can be to sons and how it can undermine confidence as they grow and develop.  I know this will be a battlefield for me and that I will need to work hard to combat my own fears and anxieties so that my boy can thrive and be the courageous young man God has created him to be.  

In one illustration, she shares about a friend who had a teenage son with whom she was experiencing friction.  "He was becoming edgy, sharing less, and pulling away."  However, "God showed Peggy that her son was the budding head of a new household.  The season of God's nurturing John through her was coming to an end and a new season was beginning for him.  It was no longer fitting for her to dominate this young man whom God was calling to be the eventual head of a new household."  This was a really helpful insight for me.  Granted, realizing when this stage has come to pass will require some careful discernment.  But eventually my son will begin to take on a role of leadership as a man.  He will probably have some growing pains as he comes into a new stage of life.  But I will need to get out of the way as God begins to form him and to move him into this new stage.

In the area of communication, Fuller provided a wonderful, helpful illustration: boys' "emotions and thoughts are a little like oatmeal.  If you heat up a pot of oatmeal and it gets hotter and closer to a boil, bubbles come to the surface.  In a similar way, as our sons get heated up through doing active things, their thoughts bubble up to the surface."  Generally speaking, while girls may focus a lot on direct relationships and talking, boys focus on doing.  I'll need to understand this major difference between the genders as I parent my son.  In regards to communication, Fuller also recommends lecturing less but instead using stories, strong and succinct quotations, and the like to teach.

In another part of the book, Fuller challenges moms to come up with five to eight core values that she hopes to instill in her son (this would be helpful for daughters as well!).  Then, she encourages moms to look to the long-term plan to teach those values.  It won't happen overnight but with steady effort, your child can come to know those all-important values.

I do have only one real critique of this book.  In the way in which Fuller describes the faith life of children, she seems to lean towards a view that a very young child cannot generally be saved and in possession of their own faith.  I believe even very young children can have a saving knowledge of Christ.  I wouldn't say that Fuller fully discounts this reality, but I think she leans slightly away from it.  I'd like to see her embrace God's saving work in very young children more fully.  However, this is a doctrinal matter that the reader can work through on their own.  

Overall, this is an incredibly wise and beneficial book.  I will be returning to it often as I raise my own little man.

4 stars. Highly Recommended.
  
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received an advance digital copy of this book free from Bethany House.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

THE book for when your kids are making you nuts!

So since Mr. Bean's birth, I have to admit that Burrito and I have been clashing heads a bit.  I must admit that a large part of it is my fault.  During my pregnancy, I truly felt horrible most of the time, so I spent a lot of time in bed and gave in to what she wanted a lot of the time (loads of TV, anyone?).  I am feeling much, much better since having the baby but of course now he needs lots of attention.  And there are certainly times when baby coos are a more attractive option than preschooler tantrums (are you with me, anyone?)!  I was finding myself losing my temper with Burrito more and more often.  I was falling into the pattern of reacting instead of responding to poor preschooler behavior.  I was starting to forget that I am actually the parent around here!  We've all been there, right?

I was ready for a shot in the arm.  Months ago, my husband bought me the book, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days. I had read portions of the book but was finally ready to really sit down and focus on it now.  Dr. Kevin Leman's advice is simple but not easy.  What makes his book unique is the humor with which his advice is given.  When your kids are on your last nerve, you need to laugh.  You need to remember (with Bill Cosby) that "these people" (your kiddos) are crazy and that part of getting through the challenges of parenting is knowing how to laugh.

One of the best pieces of advice Leman gives in the book is this: "Say it once.  Turn your back.  Walk away."  All too often, we as parents forget that we are the God-ordained leaders of our home.  Though we are to be kind and loving leaders, we are to be leaders.  And the kiddos need to learn respect towards authority.  They need to learn that when we say to do something, we mean business.  They need to learn to listen to rather than ignore our voice when we speak.  Today's parents rightly are trying to correct parenting lacks in some previous eras by focusing on the relationship with our children, but it's certainly possible to take that course correction too far.  I realized while reading Leman's book that I was overly concerned with my daughter liking me.  This was a shocking realization, but I think tiredness and longing for some of the closeness we had in her younger years was getting to me.  All the rest that I had to take while I was pregnant and now all of the attention I was giving the baby were making me feel guilty.  So I was focusing too much on wanting to please her, or alternatively getting frustrated when she just wouldn't cooperate.  Amazingly, I'm rediscovering that when I remember I'm the mom and she's the kid, when I give her freedom to make decisions without taking it as an indictment on me, when her decisions have natural consequences, I feel that I can relax and enjoy her more.  It's almost counter-intuitive how good, calm, loving discipline frees parents to love and enjoy their kids just as they are.  But it does.  Kids are gonna misbehave and do dumb stuff.  We all did when we were kids.  But it's how we respond to them that matters. 

Dr. Leman encourages parents to carefully differentiate between "mountains" and "molehills."  Which issues are central issues which need to be dealt with and which issues are minor quirks of kid-hood?  It's important that we're not constantly on our kids' case.  Paul advises us, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, NIV).

Leman also advises that when a child does something serious like disrespect her parents, the parent simply calmly wait until the next time the child wants something (which he jokes will be in about 5 minutes since there are so many things little people can't reach!) and then calmly tell them, "No, you aren't going to do that today."  He advises that, rather than get into a power struggle over the consequence, the parent let the child work at thinking about what they did wrong so that they can grow in maturity and attentiveness to their parents.  Once they do apologize for what they did wrong, he suggests the parent forgive them but not lift the consequence.  He says what the parent is trying to do is create a teachable moment in which they have the child's full attention.  The teachable moment helps create an environment where the child will think twice the next time before he or she sasses mom or dad.

Leman suggests that the best consequences are natural consequences.  He says, "let nature take its course.  And when nature doesn't take care of the problem, you help nature along.  Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility."  For example, if your kiddo wastes time instead of getting a project done for school, don't stay up late trying to help them do it the night before.  Natural consequences.  They might get a bad grade, but they will learn a valuable lesson for life.

There is loads more good, wise advice in the pages of this easily readable book.  After reading it, I felt empowered and much more positive about my role as a parent.  I felt like, "Ok, I can do this!"  Leman writes, "Today's children need guidance.  They need accountability.  They need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions (or their inaction).  Otherwise their lives will run amok."  We aren't being mean parents to have a high standard for our kids.  We're helping to prepare them for life in the real world.  This will sometimes mean that they are upset with us, but that's ok.  If we keep the big picture in mind, we can weather the storms of parenthood.  C'mon, parents.  We can do this thing!

4.5 stars. Highly Recommended.

Book Review Friday: Creating with God by Sarah Jobe

As I have been struggling through the first trimester of this pregnancy (perhaps more than the previous pregnancy?), I was desperate for an uplifting, Biblical perspective on the sufferings I was undergoing.  Certainly, they are not as bad as the suffering of infertility (for my sufferings are short in time and have a good end ahead), chronic illness, or so many other forms of suffering.  But these truths do not negate the difficulties that one does indeed face, going through the nausea, the deep-down exhaustion, the struggle with caring for one's family in the midst of these challenges.  That I am not suffering in the worst possible way does not negate that I am suffering as a pregnant woman, suffering in order to bring life into the world.

The suffering of pregnancy and childbirth is so significant that the Apostle Paul wrote about it in Romans 8 as a metaphor for the Christian life this side of heaven: "²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies" (NIV).

I have been struggling greatly with my attitude as well.  I've been feeling sorry for myself and in sore need of perspective.  In the midst of this struggle, I found myself searching the Christian pregnancy books on Amazon.com.  The most intriguing title was Sarah Jobe's Creating with God: The Holy Confusing Blessedness of Pregnancy (Paraclete Press).

Jobe had my attention right away when, in the prologue, she described her best friend, Holly, who couldn't wait to get her maternity clothes out of storage for yet another pregnancy.  Holly loved pregnancy.  But Jobe lets us know, "I love Holly.  But I think you should know, right from the start, that I'm not that type of pregnant woman....I won't say that I hated pregnancy.  But I can't say that I loved it either.  Pregnancy was the most difficult endeavor I have ever undertaken."  Jobe says this in spite of two uncomplicated pregnancies.  It was simply the mundane miseries of being pregnant that were so difficult for her.  I read this and thought, "Here is someone I can relate to!"  Jobe has the added benefit of serving as a Baptist minister; I can also relate to her on the level of a woman in ministry (but her book would be beneficial for any Christian woman).

This book provided numerous insights from the Scriptures on how to deal with the indignities and sufferings of pregnancy.  Jobe writes, "This book is about naming.  But it's not about naming our babies.  It's more about naming ourselves.  In this book, I will muster up the courage of Eve, the courage that motherhood has given me, to make some bold and joyous proclamations.  I will name the work of pregnancy as the work of God.  I will name the pregnant women around me as the image of Christ.  I will call the pains of pregnancy 'spiritual disciplines.'"  So often the nausea, pain, tears, and exhaustion seem so pointless--especially before you can feel the baby move.  The pregnancy seems theoretical; though you know you are growing a child in your womb, you have nothing but negative symptoms to tell you this.  How good it is to know that it is not for nothing!  God is seeking to bring spiritual growth in our lives in this time, in addition to the physical growth of our babies.

One of the most important areas of spiritual growth is learning to rest in God.  Rather than frenetically doing and going, a pregnant woman must rest.  Jobe writes, "We can try to work even when our bodies cry for us to do otherwise.  Or we can rest like God does in Genesis.  We can learn a  Sabbath rest that God calls blessed and holy."  Viewed this way, even the exhaustion of pregnancy is an opportunity, not a burden.

One of my favorite insights from the book was Jobe's point that the way a mother feeds her baby, both while the child is in the womb and through breastfeeding is a powerful metaphor for how Christ feeds us spiritually through communion.  Just as Jesus said to us that His body is real food and His blood is real drink, so our bodies too become food and drink for our babies.  This provides a very human connection point to understand one of the most challenging doctrines of the church and to understand it experientially. 

There are many other powerful insights in this book.  I found it extremely helpful in weathering the physical challenges of pregnancy and finding meaning in them.  I also appreciated Jobe's conversational tone that was very accessible to any young mother.  If there is any caution I would offer, it would be to be aware that there are female metaphors for God in this book.  I did not, however, find them objectionable because each one was well supported from Scripture.  There are times when Jobe uses female pronouns for God, which is not my preference, but because she was dealing with female-oriented metaphors each time she did this, I was able to follow her.  She does not exclusively use female pronouns for God, which I found important.  I hope this aspect will not keep women away from this book, however.  There are so many insights Jobe provides that it is worth weathering a difference in terminology.  I also trust Jobe's writing because it is solidly based in Scripture.

4.5 stars. Highly Recommended.

Book Review Friday: What I Did by Christopher Wakling

What if a stranger called social services on you?  What if it was all a big misunderstanding that just kept escalating until you were in serious danger of losing your child?  What if the only way to keep your child were to stay calm under the pressure of suspicion concerning your parenting?  Would you be able to stay calm?  Would you avoid the temptation to explode in anger?

These are the troubling questions evoked by this week's book review pick: What I Did: A Novel by Christopher Wakling (to be released on July 17, 2012).  This is a short, fairly fast-paced novel told in the voice of a six year old boy, Billy.  Billy is energetic and imaginative.  His family, who dearly loves him, is also often exasperated by the impulsive and foolish things his energy (which Billy describes as "the electricity" in him) lead him to do.  In the opening of the book, Billy tells us that this story "is about a terrible thing which happens to me.  But watch out because the thing you think is the terrible thing isn't really it."  He also tells us, "I...have to warn you that nobody is bad or good here, or rather everyone is a bit bad and a bit good and the bad and good moluscules get mixed up with each other and produce terrible chemical reactions."

Sure enough, one day Billy wakes up way too early, so his father takes him for a walk to try to use up that early morning energy.  They end up at a city park and Billy decides to take off running away from his father...straight into traffic.  He is not hit by a car (miraculously), but he terrifies his father who gives him a firm spanking right then and there.  A stranger sees the spanking, gives the father a tongue-lashing, follows him home to find out his address, and calls social services.

And so begins a confusing saga in which all of the adults try to figure out "what's best for Billy," but in which Billy and the adults involved all might as well be speaking foreign languages to one another.  Billy is convinced everyone is mad at him and that his father, after forgiving him for running into the street, is breaking his promise and continuing to tell everyone about the naughty thing Billy did.  He also does not understand how the social workers who come to visit (who he calls "Butterfly" and "Giraffe") will misconstrue his report of what happened and will hear him describing child abuse when he is describing no such thing.  Nobody asks enough questions or the right questions.  Nobody really knows what is going on.

Using the voice of a child for a popular piece of fiction was done incredibly well by Emma Donoghue, author of Room: A Novel (a novel as powerful and haunting as I ever read); for this reason, I regard Donoghue's novel as the gold standard for children's voices in adult fiction.  Wakling does not quite rise to Donoghue's expertise in using the voice effectively, but what he does do is show us how we may think children understand what is going on, while they are seeing reality entirely differently.  I felt that reading this book gave more empathy for my daughter and a desire to help her understand reality better.  Billy's voice also gives us countless amusing "mis-hearings" of words we use as adults, such as this gem: "A very long time is called a neon."  Also, Billy's thoughts frequently include his father's words to him, as if they were his own thoughts.  Children are so very integrated with their parents at this young age and do not really think for themselves in may ways.  This was an effective way to convey that Billy's father is inside his head, both chiding him and united with him through a bond of love.

My main critique of this book is one that will really only be relevant to Christian readers.  I disliked the frequent use of profanity (taking the Lord's name in vain) by the father.  Still, this is not a Christian book and so I suppose it may not be fair to expect the omission of profanity.  Without it, however, I would have found the book a more pleasant read.

This book will stay with me for a long time.  It is ultimately about the love between a parent and child and the fierce bond between them.  It is about how parents and children unintentionally misunderstand each other.  You will have to read it for yourself to see how it ends!

4 stars.  Recommended.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received an advance digital copy of this book free from William Morrow.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday: Born to Run by Christopher McDougall (Guest Review)

Note from Rebecca: One thing I have learned about my husband over the years is that he doesn't read many books.  A joke around our house is that if Martin Luther didn't write it, he doesn't want to read it!  But Christopher has a lot of passion for running, so I gambled and bought him Born to Run for his birthday.  I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM DEVOUR A BOOK LIKE HE DID THIS ONE!  Yes, that does need to be in all caps.  In Born to Run, he encountered a great story, well told, and it inspired him in running and life as well.  Because of all of this, I asked him to do a guest review for Book Review Friday this week.  Enjoy!

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When I was growing up, I hated to run.  I’d breathe hard, I’d get all sweaty, and just generally have a bad time. Over the last six years, though, I have developed quite the love for running.  I run many races over the course of a year, a highlight of my day is my mid-day three miles, and I feel like I’m a better pastor when I run.  It has gotten to the point where one of my favorite presents for my birthday this year was Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen (Vintage), written by Christopher McDougall.

Born to Run starts out innocently enough, in the lobby of an isolated hotel in an isolated town in an isolated part of Mexico known as the Copper Canyons.  McDougall has been brought to this place by many factors, primary among them a nagging pain in his knee from years of running.  Because he works as a columnist for Runner's World magazine, running is pretty much his whole life.  Yet, no matter what he tries, the pain won’t go away.  Then he begins to hear stories of the Tarahumara, a native tribe from the Copper Canyons who separate themselves from the world. There are really only two things known about them: they can put away the corn beer, and they can run.  And when they run, it’s not just a jaunt around the block.  The Tarahumara compete in races where groups kick a ball along as they run, and these races are routinely 50 miles long.  They run these races without the benefit of $100 running shoes, sponsor contracts, television contracts, or paydays.  They run because that is what they do.

These stories bring McDougall to this isolated corner of the world.  McDougall is in this hotel lobby in the Copper Canyons looking for someone a little different, however.  He is in search of Caballo Blanco, the White Horse.  Caballo is not a Tarahumara; in fact, some of the Tarahumara that McDougall talks with believe Caballo to be a ghost when they first see him.  McDougall does eventually find Caballo in this dingy hotel lobby, and that’s when the book takes off.

The story is built along the main path of Caballo’s attempts to get some of America’s best ultra-marathoners (those who run races of 50 or 100 miles) to journey into the Copper Canyons to race against the Tarahumara on their home turf, the narrow, winding, steep paths that can lead to death for the inexperienced traveler.  What I found most interesting, however, were the side trails that McDougall takes us down.  There are a few chapters on an ultra-marathon in Leadville, WY to which a man named Rick Fisher brought some Tarahumara, showing them the worst of American hubris in the process.  There are stories of American ultra-marathoners who get caught up in Caballo’s search for the ultimate ultra-marathon.  One, Scott Jurek, is from Proctor, MN, very close to where I grew up.  Another is known as “Barefoot Ted”, a runner who never found relief from his back pain until he started running without shoes.  There are even stories of men known as “persistence hunters” who hunt their meat and kill it by running it down.

The passion for running that McDougall, Caballo, Jurek, and the others have deep down in their souls comes pouring off of the pages.  If you are a runner, this book will stir up your passion again, and may even make you want to throw your gear on and go for a quick three miles immediately.  If you have ever watched a race and wondered what makes long-distance runners tick, this book will give you more insight than you ever wanted.  If you have never wanted to run, and never will run, this book will still give you the motivation to do whatever it is that stirs your passion.  Caballo gives all of us a good lesson when he is teaching McDougall about running in the Copper Canyons:

“Think easy, light, smooth, and fast.  You start with easy, because if that’s all you get, that’s not so bad.  Then work on light.  Make it effortless, like you don’t give a [darn] how high the hill is or how far you’ve got to go.  When you’ve practiced that so long that you forget you’re practicing, you work on making it smooooooth.  You won’t have to worry about the last one – you get those three, and you’ll be fast.”

No matter what race we run, we were all born to run.

Highly recommended.  5 stars out of 5.

Book Review Friday: Townie by Andre Dubus III

Well into his memoir of life in a rough-and-tumble mill town in Massachusetts, Andre Dubus III offers up this gem of writing wisdom discovered through observing a master, "[he wrote] in a simple, naked style that drew the reader's eye not to him, but to them [the characters in the book]."  Although there are parts of this narrative that don't work at all, I will take this line away with me for a very long time.  It is tempting as a writer to be an ultimate egotist, to draw unceasing attention to myself.  I once knew a lady who proclaimed that "everyone loved to hear her read" at church.  And I sometimes think of this as I write.  Am I writing as an egotist who believes that "everyone loves to hear me talk"?  Or do I have a wider, more important mission than myself?  Do I have a mission that is for others and for God?

For Dubus, the author of this week's featured book, Townie: A Memoir (W. W. Norton & Company), writing was almost a spiritual salvation experience, a deliverance from his wild efforts to prove himself through muscle and brawn in the hardscrabble life of a hard-living townie in Haverhill and Newburyport, Massachusetts.  It is ultimately a book about a young man's efforts to find himself and become a man in the absence of strong fatherly guidance.  It is a book that brings to mind the oft-repeated line from The Incredible Hulk, "I don't know if we can control it, but we can aim it."

Dubus's father was a celebrated author and he grew up in that shadow.  His father also left his mother for another woman when he was a child, leaving Dubus without much male guidance, in poverty, with a family facing great obstacles such as hunger and the eventual rape of his sister.  Dubus suffered greatly at the hands of town bullies and developed a goal in life of never being beaten up or dominated by another.  He idolized body builders and paid homage to their photos in magazines.  He worked long and hard to build himself up as an indomitable neighborhood warrior.  The first 3/4 of this book detail fight after fight after fight in which Dubus was engaged.  This is not a book for those offended by strong language; the language is some of the most fierce I have ever read.  There are also times when I felt Dubus was abandoning his stated mission to let us see the characters in his world, instead yielding to the temptation to prove to us all how very hardcore he was "back in the day."  There was also nearly constant foreshadowing of doom, but there was not always doom in store.  Perhaps this reflects Dubus' mood in life in general, but I felt it told me more about him than about his story.

There were other times I felt like I was sitting at a MFA workshop table with the material in this book.  Dubus drops into scenes without letting us really know where we are until pages later.  He does this again and again, leading to a bit of disorientation.  Rather than paring away extraneous details, he subjects us to an overly detailed account of his fights and developing sexuality as a teen.  I appreciate the fact that he wanted to show us how driven by brawn and the frontal lobe of the brain he was as a young man, thereby giving us a hard-won transformation that we would appreciate all the more for the journey.  I think some of the hard-edged content is warranted but I would appreciate a lot more of it being summarized.  There is a feeling amongst writers that in order for writing to be good, one must be entirely vulnerable and reveal every little embarrassing detail; I disagree with this notion and feel that it simply leads to ego-centered writing in which the writer battles to be seen.  We're all prone to this as writers--in one way or another--but it's still a failing when it happens.

All that said, Dubus comes into real strength in the final 1/4 of his book.  Having tried to prove himself as a man through his fists and through never running away from a fight, one day he simply picks up a pen as if fate has led him to it.  He begins to write, at first badly, and then better and better.  He begins to find success.  And when it dawns on him that he needs to see people and not seek to be seen, it transforms his life.  He becomes empathetic towards the criminals that he supervises in a halfway house and even, in a penultimate scene close to the end of the book, becomes empathetic toward bullies who try to intimidate a group of children on a train which leads to the defusing of the situation (much to his surprise).  This scene takes place shortly after Dubus on a sleepless, anxiety-filled night picks up his girlfriend's Bible and reads the words, "Love one another."  Through love instead of violence (the latter of which he points out only begets more violence), Dubus begins to find a way to make a positive impact on his world.

Can I be too impatient with Dubus for engaging in some of the ego-centric writing that he is trying to avoid?  No, I can't because he is simply a person in transition, striving to become a better man though handicapped through an upbringing that included much abandonment and poverty.  I appreciate what he has overcome and that he is trying to walk a better way.  I appreciated his words of wisdom and insight about writing and underlined many of them.  I appreciated his attempts, at times, to engage a bit with faith.  Most of all, I appreciate his effort to lay aside his violent impulses and take up a more intentional and empathetic style of living.  This could be a useful corrective to the thousands and thousands of young men (I could add "women," but this is ultimately a book about manhood) who are chained to the harsh taskmaster of anger and rage.  There is a way out. 

With all this said, however, it was a difficult ride through the first 3/4 of this book and I can only recommend it with hesitancy to the most mature of readers.  You will have to slog through a lot of messy humanity before you find a ray of light. 

3.5 stars

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from W.W. Norton & Company.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday: The Maid of Fairbourne Hall

Down about the wait for Downton Abbey's third season?  Well, today's featured book review title, The Maid of Fairbourne Hall by Julie Klassen, will help to fill the gap.

I first became aware of Julie Klassen when I read her first book, Lady of Milkweed Manor, a captivating Regency tale about a young woman's fall from and restoration to grace.  There are twists and turns reminiscent of Charlotte Bronte, and some fascinating historical detail about nursing and caring for the babies of unwed mothers from this period in history.  This was an area of history of which I had absolutely no knowledge and I found it captivating.  I also appreciated that our heroine was no saint.  She was a very real sinner who was able to find her way back in the end.  I am often frustrated with Christian novels in their unreality, goopy sentimentality, and poor form, but Klassen impressed me enough with this novel--and helped to restore my love of reading for pleasure--so much that I have continued to look with anticipation toward each new release that she has published (these include The Apothecary's Daughter, The Silent Governess, and The Girl in the Gatehouse--the latter two of which are currently available in print editions for only $6 currently at Amazon.com).  I never felt that any of the other books lived up to the unique subject matter and impressiveness of Lady of Milkweed Manor, but each one had interesting historical detail about certain cultural elements of Regency England.  In addition, each book is a solid read, if sometimes a bit derivative from Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte (not always a bad thing for those of us who are lovers of Austen and Bronte).  Whereas, I would give the first book 4.5 stars, I would give all of the successive books 3 or 4 stars. 

The Maid of Fairbourne Hall is a book I also would rate well.  It tells the tale of Margaret Macy, a wealthy and beautiful young woman who escapes her stepfather's evil intentions to marry her off to a morally degenerate nephew.  She escapes with her maid, takes on a disguise, and goes to a service "job fair" of sorts where she is hired to be a maid in a household that, unbeknownst to her, is run by two of her former suitors, brothers named Lewis and Nathaniel Upchurch.  In keeping with a theme that I have frequently found in Julie Klassen's books, a prideful young woman thus experiences a humbling.  Margaret comes to realize that she was not very appreciative of the efforts of her own servants but sometimes was prideful and treated their efforts dismissively.  She also comes to see that some of her taste in young men was not always best directed and that perhaps in one particular example, she has sorely underestimated the character and desirability of a certain suitor.

The intricacies of servant life recorded during Margaret's time at Fairbourne Hall easily called to mind Downton Abbey for me, and I felt more prepared to read this book for having watched the series.  I did find myself taking a bit of time to get into the book, but about midway through, I found myself really becoming engaged with the characters and with some intriguing mysteries along the way.  This book is shot through with compassion; there are even parallel attempts to humanize the struggles of both servants and slaves in this time in history.  In addition, Klassen does not beat the reader over the head with spiritual lessons; rather, they seem a bit more organic to the story.  This is another aspect of Klassen's writing that I have really come to appreciate.  Nothing is more predictable that every Christian novel ending with a "sinner's prayer."  Yes, Klassen's characters do always go through a transformation that is at least partially spiritual, but it is a somewhat journey-oriented transformation, by which I mean that they get well on their way to a new life with more distance yet to cover.

All-in-all, The Maid of Fairbourne Hall is a solid pick for lovers of Christian fiction and/or Regency England.  Recommended.  3.5 stars out of 5.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Bethany House Publishers.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday: God Gave Us Love and Ballet Stars

God Gave Us Love by Lisa Tawn Bergren, with pictures by Laura J. Bryant (WaterBrook Press) is a solid pick in children's literature.  The artwork is outstanding and captivating for little ones.  The story focuses around a fishing trip taken by Little Cub and his Grampa.  Little Cub finds himself annoyed by the playful otters who scare away the good fish.  Grampa uses this experience as a jumping off point for teaching Little Cub about how God wants us to show love even to those who do things that annoy us.  Grampa explains the difference between the kinds of love that moms and dads have for each other and other kinds of love too.  Most of all, he explains that love is a gift of God.  The story uses simple, easy-to-understand words to explain love.  However, I found the pictures to be a bit more concrete than the story itself.  Although the story is told in dialogue, I found myself wanting there to be a little more action in the story (not just in the pictures).  I think that more action-oriented stories tend to draw the attention of little ones a little better.

For some reason, I've found it hard to find good Christian picture books.  This one is a solid pick, with excellent illustrations.  I liked the sturdy board book format as well.  Recommended.  3 stars out of 5.

 Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group .  I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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Ballet Stars (Step into Reading) by Joan Holub, with illustrations by Shelagh McNicholas (Random House Books for Young Readers) is sure to be a hit with the 3-6 age range of little girls.  The book releases in June of this year, but I had a chance to preview it as a book blogger.  I was delighted with the beautiful pictures of a typical ballet class (something every girl I know in this age range is dying to get into, including my daughter).  The text utilizes rhyming beautifully and even adds some unexpectedly creative lines ("Twirl like snowflakes.  Sway like trees") to describe the movements of ballet.  This one is a definite winner that your little girl will enjoy again and again.  Great for early readers as well.  Highly recommended.  4 stars out of 5.

 Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Random House Books for Young Readers.  I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday: When Work and Family Collide by Andy Stanley

When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family by Andy Stanley (Multnomah Books) is like a modern-day book of Proverbs, speaking to the workaholic spouse and parent and providing direct and wise counsel on how to stop the madness and reclaim the most key priorities of life.

Andy Stanley is the founder of a megachurch, North Point Ministries in Atlanta.  As any ministry family knows, the Church can be a very demanding profession.  One has spiritual reasons for neglecting one's family.  The needs of congregation members never end and one can easily gift their loved ones the short shrift.  Yet, Stanley has steadfastly sought to prioritize his family members, despite the intense demands of starting and running a new congregation.  He is a valuable role model for the over-stressed, over-worked typical American.

Stanley's running idea throughout the book is that there are only so many resources to go around and we will necessarily let someone down.  In this way, we will either "cheat" our families or our workplace.  Stanley says we ought to rather "cheat" our workplaces before we "cheat" our families.  He points out that employers often do not value our loyalty and efforts, but that our families absolutely require it.  He says that the workaholic's prayer is, "Dear God, you do what only I can do while I go do what many other could do just as well or better."

When I first started reading this book, I struggled with Stanley's use of the word "cheat."  When I struggled so much as a young pastor, wife and mother, always feeling as if I was letting someone down, this was precisely my worry.  I often thought to myself that I was being paid by my employer and I could not dare to let them down because that would be like cheating or stealing.  Yet, for my family responsibilities, I was not paid.  It would not be stealing to let them down, but it did tear my heart out.  As I progressed further in the book, Stanley made it clear that he is not saying that Christians should defraud their employers of their due by sneaking out the door or just letting things go.  Rather, he advises directness with one's employer.  He holds up Daniel 1 as an example of how to appeal a rule that is forcing one to go against their convictions.  His insights about presenting the issue to the employer directly, listening to their concerns, and seeking to come up with a solution that meets both parties' needs seemed to me wise and practical.  (However, I always did struggle as a young pastor with figuring out who my boss was: God?  The church council--who changed every year and who each had different expectations?  The average member?  The bishop?  Still, conversations such as these would have been helpful to have had with the council, even if the revolving door of people entering council positions introduced some difficulties.)

This is a very helpful, readable book with a lot of wisdom, helpful stories and illustrations, and strong conviction.  It holds up the importance of our family relationships as the most important commitments in our lives.  It also includes a very helpful 4-week study guide for groups to use in discussion.  Recommended.  3 1/2 stars.

Disclaimer: I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.  I was not required to write a positive review and the opinions included are my own.

To read the first chapter of When Work and Family Collide, go here.

Enter to Win: Healing Your Church Hurt by Stephen Mansfield

If you read my review of Healing Your Church Hurt: What To Do When You Still Love God But Have Been Wounded by His People by Stephen Mansfield, you know that I think it is a book that every Christian who has been hurt by another brother or sister in Christ should read.

Tyndale has provided me an opportunity to give one of you a free copy of this book.  To enter the contest, just answer the following question in the comments below by Wednesday, February 15 (MST).  If you win, I will post your name here on the blog on Thursday and get in touch with you.  One entry per person, but multiple members of a family may enter.

Here's the question for you to answer: What is one lesson that you learned in your experience of church hurts or church conflicts?

Book Review Friday: Healing Your Church Hurt by Stephen Mansfield

When I signed up to be a book review blogger last month, one of the books I was most excited to read was this week's featured title: Healing Your Church Hurt: What To Do When You Still Love God But Have Been Wounded by His People by Stephen Mansfield.  (The first version of this book was titled ReChurch.)  I was excited to read this book because, frankly, I needed it.  I still need it.  The last year of our time as pastors in North Dakota was fraught with conflict that exhausted me and wore me down.  I came to Montana wanting to be very slow about getting involved in church.  I would support Christopher is his role as pastor and be a positive presence at church, but I felt just very, very tired of the pain that churches cause.  I was bleeding inside and I was pretty angry.

God has slowly been bringing me back from that battle-weary state.  He has been so very good to me this year, surrounding me with trustworthy friends with whom I can be real and deepen my faith.  He has blessed me with an incredible Bible study where I get to be a participant instead of the leader.  There is still healing left to do, but I have begun to feel the cynicism and anger recede and a softness of spirit develop in me.

Healing Your Church Hurt is a book to help people whose hearts have been broken by the Church.  Stephen Mansfield writes from the perspective of a man who has been deeply hurt by the Church.  He writes of his experience: "For nearly a decade, I had been the pastor of a growing and influential church.  It had been a glorious experience and I had loved the life that we shared and the history that we made as this nearly four thousand-member congregation pursued the things of God.  But then, for reasons that don't need airing here, it all came to an end amidst conflict and uproar.  Oh, it was a classic--complete with a conspiring church board and gossip packaged as 'sharing' in prayer meetings and accusations flying fast and loose.  Demons danced and angels wept, and I should say quickly that I sinned too."

Sound familiar?  I know that it did to me.  Mansfield goes on to write that he was becoming broken and bitter, cynical and angry.  He went over the whole horrible story over and over again in his mind, even after he had left the congregation where the wounding occurred.  He began to develop hatred for those who had attacked and hurt him.  He describes his soul as a "toxic bog" at this point.

Mansfield says that at this point in his descent, God sent him a group of "bold and unapologetic" pastors who took him to task, strongly confronted him, and forced him to face what he needed to so that he could find healing.  They were his coaches, helping him to not only heal but begin to live out a hopeful future.  But it was hard, strenuous emotional and spiritual work.  Since that time, Mansfield found that God was constantly bringing him into contact with people who had been wounded by the Church.  He began to realize that inherent in these encounters was a call.  This book was written to help fulfill that call.  Mansfield now writes to every Christian who is in the position he was in.  He writes as if he is now one of the bold, confronting pastors, challenging us as readers to be all God calls us to be.

Throughout the course of the book, I appreciated Mansfield's direct voice.  He doesn't tiptoe around the truth but states it baldly and strongly.  He does so with compassion and love, but he speaks the truth that sets us free.

One of the chapters that I most appreciated in the book was "The Sea Breeze of the Centuries," in which Mansfield tells the story of several prominent Christians in church history who suffered terrible pain at the hands of other Christians.  I don't know why I had never thought of this before, but it never occurred to me that some of the worst pain the heroes of the faith endured was at the hands of other Christians.  Mansfield tells of how George Whitefield had rotten eggs and pieces of dead cats thrown at him when he preached, of how he had drummers try to drown out his preaching, of how he once had someone try to urinate on him while he preached.  (As someone who once had a prominent congregation member stand up after a sermon I gave and publicly reprimand me for it, I began to feel, reading this, that perhaps I had not had it so bad after all!)  Even worse, Whitfield was attacked on theological grounds by his good friend, John Wesley, in a very public way.  This wound was perhaps the worst of all.  But Mansfield shows how Whitfield worked his way through the pain and found healing.  He also tells the stories of St. Patrick, Jonathan Edwards and Bono, and ways that they also encountered wounding at the hands of the Church.  But of how they did not stay in that broken place, but went on to healing.  These stories were powerful to me and I will likely return to them again and again.

In the remainder of the book, Mansfield continues to speak truth in a direct way to those of us who have been wounded by the Church.  He reminds us that we should expect that other sinners are indeed capable of evil, though they are believers; we ought not be sentimental about the people of the Church, but should face the facts as they are.  This truth resonated with the Lutheran teaching that believers are fully saint and fully sinner.  This does not mean that we cannot grow in character, but it does mean that we will always be flawed and broken and sinful until God takes us home to heaven.  And so, we should not be shocked when a Christian wounds us for he or she is still a person in process, a broken person, just like us.

In "The Throne Room of Your Mind," Mansfield provides a powerful image for what to do with the sins committed against us.  This single image is worth the price of the book and much more besides; I think it has changed my life.  This chapter helped me so much because I have always felt in attempting to forgive someone that I simply don't know what to do with the very real presence of their sin.  And so I rehash it again and again.  Now, I have a place to put it.

This is a deeply wise, challenging book that every Christian who has been hurt by other Christians should read.  It is chock-full of truths that can change your life and transform you from a broken person to whole person.  It is also immensely readable.  Highly recommended.

5 out of 5 stars

To learn more about this book, visit the Tyndale website here.  In addition, you can read a free excerpt by going here.  To learn more about Stephen Mansfield, you can visit his personal website as well.  Finally, watch this blog for your chance to enter your name in a drawing for a copy of this powerful book.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday: White Bread by Aaron Bobrow-Strain

White Bread: A Social History of the Store-Bought Loaf by Aaron Bobrow-Strain (Beacon Press) is due to be released March 6.  After wading through it this past week, I have to say that this book comes across as a well-documented term paper, but as a literary work that ultimately fails to satisfy, engage or provide meaningful solutions to the problems it lays out.

White Bread seeks to explore the efforts Americans have made throughout the past century to eat well and the impact these efforts have had on society, both intended and unintended.  Bobrow-Strain says that the intent of his book is to tell the history of those who "thought that getting Americans to eat the right bread (or avoid the wrong bread--could save the world--or at least restore the country's moral, physical, and social fabric."  The book lays out the different Utopian dreams that American society had for the "proper" bread, which was defined differently depending on the era.  In particular, Bobrow-Strain documents the rise of sliced white bread and what American's embrace of it says about us and about our view of the world.

Where I found myself most connecting to the book was in Bobrow-Strain's self-criticism of the dream of a foodie.  He points out that high ideals about food that are meant to increase a democratic people's approach to eating actually often end up dividing people and leaving more people hungry.  I have often though about this as a person who generally does not shop at Wal-mart on principle (I don't like what they pay their employees or how they treat them).  Despite my attempts to resist the "man," I sometimes forget that while Wal-mart doesn't pay its employees much, it does provide really low prices for staple items, including food, which lower income people need.  Is this really so evil?

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I consider myself a foodie, I'm interested in ideals like trying to eat locally (though I'm not at all obsessive about it), and I love artisan foods.  But I also have often thought of how middle-class concerns about organic, local-grown, and artisan are completely irrelevant to someone in poverty.  I posted to Twitter this week two tweets that I thought made the point: "Is my arugula organic? #FirstWorldProblems"  "Is there food on my plate? #ThirdWorldProblems"

So, I appreciated this self-analysis from an idealistic foodie point of view.  We middle-class foodies need to be careful not to be so self-involved with obtaining supposed perfect food that we ignore the stomach-gnawing pains of the hungry.  To be more socially conscious as we pursue good food, to think about how we can share bounty with the world, would be a great place to start.

Although one cannot fault the depth of research conducted by Bobrow-Strain, what this book ultimately suffers from is a lack of narrative.  One could argue that this is a science book or a sociology of food book.  But books that hope to engage the masses can include both a successful treatment of niche science/sociology and story.  Story is what keeps the reader engaged and connected to the sometimes technical material.  A book that effectively engages this dynamic is The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which tells a very scientific story of cells and medicine, but does it in a narrative fashion. Bobrow-Strain could have accomplished this through a different narrative in each chapter or he could have found a way to bring a running narrative through the entire book.  Either method would have greatly improved what unfortunately turns out to be a well-documented listing of relevant quotes and facts.

Bobrow-Strain did succeed in convincing me that our Utopian goals for bread and for food in general often lead to more exclusion and more hunger in the world.  But he didn't successfully leave me with a take-away understanding of what I should do to change this.  His book is a cautionary tale, but it could easily leave me afraid to try to change the food situation in the world for the better for fear I will impact the world in a wrong way.  He doesn't actually say not to try; in fact, he argues for the contrary.  But even his own efforts to try on a food worldview of "fermentation" (a yeast metaphor that is the opposite of the sterile and "pure" worldviews of past food theorists) seems somewhat unconvincing to himself.

I left the book with some positive take-away, but also with a sense that perhaps the author succumbed to over-thinking our relationship with bread.

2 1/2 stars out of 5

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Beacon Press.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday, Part 2: Life, In Spite of Me

I picked up Life, In Spite of Me: Extraordinary Hope After a Fatal Choice by Kristen Jane Anderson because stories of people who have overcome serious depression resonate with me.  I have battled depression and anxiety at least since my teenage years and greatly appreciate stories of those who have survived and even triumphed through these illnesses.

Kristen Anderson suffered a series of deep emotional wounds and losses as a teenager.  She had several family and friend deaths occur, including the loss of a friend to suicide.  Shortly thereafter, she attended a party with a boy she liked and was raped.  No one knew that this had happened.  Her despair began to deepen and deepen, until one night she went for a walk and impulsively threw herself on the train tracks, intending to kill herself and end the pain.  Instead, the train ran her over and severed both of her legs.  She was profoundly wounded.  She shouldn’t have survived, but she did.  Thus began a long journey back through physical and emotional rehab, spiritual transformation, and deep inner healing. 

Kristen believes that God had a plan in all of the pain that she experienced.  According to her account, she was only a nominal Christian prior to the accident.  This crisis became a moment of reckoning, forcing her to re-evaluate everything and come to a personal relationship with Christ.  As a Lutheran Christian, I frequently found myself questioning the way the theology was articulated (did she really have no faith, or did her faith simply deepen with the accident?), but I had to remind myself that God clearly has done a work in this young woman’s life, a work that led to the healing of her broken soul, a deepened faith in Jesus, and a ministry of encouragement to others who are without hope.  I appreciated her vulnerability in sharing her story and the clear transformation God made in her life. 

For those without hope and those who are tempted to end it all, this book could be just the encouragement they need to keep going.

3 stars out of 5

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group .  I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday, Part 1: Heaven is for Real for Kids

This week, I have two book reviews for you.  Be on the lookout for the second one tomorrow.

You can hardly be a mommy or a member of a church without having heard of the book Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back.  Countless numbers of my friends have told me “it was AWESOME” or “I couldn’t put it down.”  I still have the adult version of the book in my “to read” stack (which is a bit of a skyscraper, truth be told).  But this week, I at least got to read the picture book version, Heaven is for Real for Kids: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back by Todd and Sonja Burpo. 

I read the Kindle version of this book.  My Kindle is admittedly not the best to use for picture books, due to its black and white screen.  However, the pictures were still beautiful and detailed. 

In case you have been living under a rock, the story details how Colton Burpo had a vision of heaven (or visited heaven?) at the age of four during a serious illness which hospitalized him.  I appreciated that the book didn’t go into whether Colton died or not, thereby avoiding a can of worms for a parent to explain.  The book is careful to avoid scary parts of the story and instead focuses on the hope that Christians have.  It expresses this in simple words that are easy for a child to understand.  I really appreciated that the book also included a Bible passage on every page as Colton recounts his vision of heaven.

For people who are looking for big revelations about heaven that they’ve never heard before, this book may be a bit of a disappointment.  There is nothing really new here (and that’s probably a good thing).  All—or virtually all—of Colton’s vision is Biblical.  As the book points out in the Q and A section, a few people in the Bible also got to see (or visit?) heaven, so it is not outrageous for a believer today to have such an experience.  From what I’ve heard about the expanded adult version of the book, Colton had never been told much of the things he saw prior to his vision.  So, maybe the fact that there is nothing new here is simply a testament to the truth of the hope that we have in Christ.  There was a part of me (always the skeptic!) that felt it was a little too convenient how closely the book clung to interpretations of Biblical passages.  Was this truly all new to Colton or had he heard it somewhere?

Either way, we are all encouraged to have the faith of a child and Colton demonstrates that for us.  This book is a helpful resource to teach your children about heaven, with good pictures and not too many words per page.  Many of the Bible verses included would be good memory verses. 

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review Friday: Why Men Hate Going to Church

A female friend of mine summarized Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow this way: “Love to hate that book.”  Having just read the revised 2011 version, I think this perfectly encapsulates what it is like as a woman to read this book.  There is no question that its message is deeply needed in the Christian church, where in nearly every congregation women outnumber men, where men (particularly younger, masculine men) look at church as irrelevant and boring, and where the undeniable feminizing influence on the church (and even on the perception of Jesus) has been felt for decades—maybe even a couple centuries.  As Murrow points out, statistically fathers have the largest influence on whether or not their children will continue in the Christian faith in which they were raised.  So, in the need for the message of this book, I love it.  However, it is difficult to hear (as a woman) that the way I have been doing ministry is sometimes counter-productive to men’s growth in faith, and therefore to the growth of the whole church. 

Murrow does not criticize women in leadership per se (although he does suggest that too many women up front in a church communicates to men that there is no place for them).  I did appreciate that in his final chapter, he gives a great example of how a female pastor has created a church culture that reaches men perhaps better than any other church he has witnessed.  Women can do this, but it takes more effort and it takes sometimes being willing to step out of the spot-light in order that a brother in Christ may have the opportunity to grow in leadership and as a role model to other men.

In college, I took an intensely interesting class in cultural anthropology in which I studied how a group or culture operates as a holistic system.  Reading this book reminded me of that class.  Like it or not, the way Murrow describes how men think and act is reality.  Can men be challenged in many areas?  Yes, of course they can, just as women can.  But you have to start with where they are.  This is no different really from the growth of seeker-sensitive ministries that seek to “become all things to all men that they might in all ways save some.”  Still, just as seeker-sensitive ministries can do, I found myself wondering if orienting ourselves to the way men think and act simply because it is reality can at times sacrifice some of the message.  For example, if a church focuses overly on numbers, achievement, power, glory as oftentimes appeals to men, then where is the word of the Apostle Paul, who reminds us that Christ’s power is present in our weakness?  Where is the power of the cross?  Where is the surrender of self that the Lordship of Christ to which we are called?

Still, with that said, sensitivity to and understanding of the culture of men is important.  Only if we understand how a man thinks and operates can we decide intentionally when to depart from their culture.  Instead of departing from a man’s culture by default and concluding that Christianity is fundamentally feminine, we can analyze our assumptions and better communicate with the men for whom Christ also died.

Murrow begins his book with this insight:

One Sunday I was sitting in church, half-listening to the sermon, when my wandering mind recalled a quote from a business guru: “Your system is perfectly designed to give you the results you’re getting.”

Like the business guru, Murrow contends that the Church has been setting itself up for failure in its attempts to reach men.  It covers its walls with quilting and its tables with doilies, sings emotional songs, puts women up front, emphasizes touchy-feely stuff and academics (skills in which women excel) instead of doing (in which men excel), wastes time, fails to take risks, doesn’t get things accomplished.  It is set up to be a field of frustration for men.  Murrow goes on to say,

Men don’t hate God or Christ or the Bible or Christianity.  They hate a system that’s perfectly designed to reach someone else.  A system that makes them feel unneeded.  A system that exalts the gifts they simply do not possess.

One of the most helpful insights in the book for me related to the language used of our relationship with Jesus.  Murrow helpfully points out that terms like “personal relationship with Jesus,” “Jesus, I’m so in love with you,” “passion for Christ,” “passion for other men,” and the like are squirm-worthy for men.  They enter church convinced that it is a feminine place anyway and then we (unintentionally) throw homo-erotic imagery at them.  Murrow rightly states that this language is not in fact Biblical.  It is a construct that we place on the Scriptures.  We are nowhere told to fall in love with Jesus.  Yes, the Church is called the Bride of Christ, but this is as a whole, not in terms of individuals.  Murrow rightly criticizes the “Jesus is my Boyfriend” praise songs that have been circulating throughout the Church for years.  He points out that men are often more drawn to hymns with a driving, marching beat.  And he adds that while women may be drawn to the immanence of God, men are more often drawn to the transcendence of God. 

Also helpful was Murrow’s contrasting of Lion-Jesus with Lamb-Jesus.  He says the latter image has become dominant in the church of today, but that in Scripture “Lion-Jesus isn’t the exception; he’s the rule.”  Murrow also helpfully distinguishes from the terminology Jesus used for believers—Kingdom of God—and the default language the Church has taken on—Family of God.  He points out that once the dominant and only image we use for the Church is Family, we become hesitant to risk, confront or change.  Instead of God’s will and mission being the goal, harmony at all cost becomes the goal.  Finally, very helpful were Murrow’s suggestions for how to make small changes in the worship service in order that it might communicate better with men (such as using humor or remembering that men are visual learners).

In summary, this is a really important book and I think every person in ministry (including lay leaders) should read it.  Will I accept every statement the author makes wholesale?  No, but he has given me a lot to think about and digest.  He has changed my perspective on what it is like to be a man in the Church.  And because of that, I highly recommend this book.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”